Thursday, December 30, 2010

Oh Fuck The Cunts That Plague My Dreams

After typing out the name of every girl I have ever felt inferior to in regards to the guy who has loved her before he's loved me, or has loved her and never loved me, I realized I might have some kind of psychosis. One that makes me feel like I am forgettable and not worthwhile.

And because of this, instead of ever feeling sorry for myself again, I will think of how to one person, I represent total choas, and another person has 3 pictures by their bed, of their best friend, their favorite teacher, and me. And right now I am loved by a guy who will go out in the cold to bring me Orange Juice and Emergen-C when I am coughing up a lung.

Nyquil gives me dreams that make me wake up feeling sorry for myself. What's that about?

Monday, December 13, 2010

Everyone makes mistakes, right?

This dude was a mistake I made.

So yesterday, when I was lurking the tumblr of some guy I used to know, I saw this: "if mal doesn’t start warming up to me soon, i’m going to have to rethink this. i need a cat that loves me as much as i love him. i’ve had too many one-sided relationships in my life." (Mal is his new 6 month old kitten that he has not even had for 2 weeks.)

I was so upset when I read that that I literally yelled at him through my computer, verbally before typing it out. He claims he was just ranting, but that it a shitty fucking rant to have. This dude is a fucking nightmare, and the fact that I ever, at any point, called him my boyfriend, makes me feel like throwing up a little. I mean, he has posted before that he is always trying to hold it when he goes to bed but that the cat tries to escape but he holds on tighter. It's terrifying. Anyhow: You could say that I had a reaction...

(from my tumblr)



I’m sorry, people who adopt a homeless animal and then give it away again because it’s not exactly what they wanted or thought it would be, belong in the lowest circle of hell."

I haven't typed something like that in all caps since I was like, 14. I was bitching about it all day yesterday. The stupidity is unfathomable to me.

Monday, December 6, 2010

Heatbroken, I Resign

He is right. Rockstars aren't famous for hanging out with their girlfriends.

I need to man up.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Lunch, Coffee, and Denim Couch Memories

We met at the Golden Angel. He showed up. I was expecting him to be a stranger, but his face and his voice were very familiar. I haven't seen him for more than 2 minutes in 3 years. We had a really nice time. He told me about a stack of mix CDs that I had made for him, that he found when he moved back home. We went back to his place so I could see his mom(who wasn't there), and I took pictures of all those CDs, because they were really pretty. I really had an eye for that shit, and I haven't been as good as making those kinds of things, since.

I can report happily, though, that my wounds are all healed. We talked about "us" a little. I told him about how I tend to romanticize our relationship, and he told me that he mostly romanticizes me, as an idea; For him I was wild, and chaos incarnate. He said that I was the alpha-indie kid. That I was doing it before anyone, and while I don't think that's true, for him to say that made me feel good.

It was fine and new and nice to talk but when we went to his house we went to the basement for a brief tour and there they were, the denim couch and love seat where we would sleep for hours. That was my only moment of ache for what we used to have. So all in all, I had a really lovely afternoon.

The only weird that was that I kept saying "Eli" when I meant to say "Spenser" but I think that mostly had to do with the fact that Eli was right in front of me, and I was probably more than a little frazzled.

Anyway, there was absolutely no disappointment. I'm glad it went well.

Also, I haven't had coffee in a while and wham bam it makes me talk fast!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Deactivated My Facebook

I need to get away for a while.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Dear Nip/Tuck,

I have watched 3 1/2 seasons of you so far. It's 10:44 AM, and I need to sleep now. I am considering not watching anymore, seeing as I have a pretty good feeling you're done with Peter Dinklage, and let's be honest, I only watched this far because I wanted to get to the part with him. He was probably the best actor you've so far featured.

I just don't think it's working, Nip/Tuck. You make me feel crazy. I have never wanted plastic surgery in my life and now I look at my minimal chub and think a little "micro-lipo" couldn't hurt... Not that I would EVER act on it, but you just make it look so simple. Also, Sean's temper is too annoying and predictable. Why not let him make a rational decision every once in a while? Furthermore, if ANYONE ELSE gets so mad at another character that they have to make out, I am done for good.

Look, I really think we can work this out, I mean, I love Gina the nympho, and even Matt is coming around- kind of, but if I have to look at Christian Troy's preposterously groomed eyebrows without any better plot than what you are giving me, I just don't know what I'll do. Bring back Brooke Shields, that plot development was terrifying and exciting.

Your friend,

Friday, November 26, 2010


Anger turns into apathy, and push comes to shove and it's time to move on.

I am thankful for a good boyfriend, with whom I sometimes bicker. I am thankful that he stayed here, with me, in lieu of going home to see his family. I am thankful for the ability we had to purchase and cook a LOT of food. I am also deeply thankful for the incredible gift of getting on with things, and not dwelling on people who made me feel as though I was never good enough.

I am so lucky, and so tired of feeling like I am not.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Home From Work

When I get home from work, especially at night, my kitten is wildly affectionate.

Sometimes, when life enters 3D, it can be off putting, but it's a nice reminder that behind words and pictures there are always people.

Real, live people who work, and eat, and have to stand for too many hours at a time.

I like the Garlicious Breast with extra goat cheese, and a side of cheese fries with ranch. (or mashed potatoes if I am feeling healthy.)

Thursday, November 11, 2010


is gnawing me into sickness and sadness

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Pizza Then Clean Then Bed

My goal it to be bedded by 4. I can't keep staying up until 10 AM.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Things I Plan To Do and Say:

Whatever the fuck I want, wherever the fuck I want, whenever the fuck I want.

I'm respectful of those worthy of my respect, not classless, two-faced, vapid, lying, self-righteous children.

I just wanted to make myself very clear.


I'm annoyed with the amount of time I feel depressed and angry.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Dear Internets,

I've been elsewhere. I've been escaping shitty social situations and makin' real good of myself, or so I thought. I got called a bully twice in a week, which besides being truly remarkable for the fact that I don't pick on people, is amazing because I got called a bully by two people that disrespected me in one way or another. It's totally fair to say that I may have crossed the bully line with one of those people, but to think I had bullied the other is laughable, which is probably why I laughed.

Having a backbone, and an opinion can really become your downfall in a community of people who thrive on being liked. Some girls learn how to please, and others learn how to use their middle fingers. Perhaps you can guess which path I took?

I've been called a icy, venomous bitch, and I have been called a peach without a pit, sweet and soft all the way through, and I know I can be both. I can be bitter after years of rejection, and I can be distrustful of someone who lies.

I find a lot of my problems with people stem from honesty, in that, I value honesty, and other people do not. I tend to be honest to a fault, while other people lie, and cheat, OR refuse to accept honesty, and would likely prefer the lies.

The annoying cliche that has been pounding throughout me is "You don't know me." I'm sensitive, and the kind of friend that will fight like hell for you; I'm not a good person to have as an enemy, because I toe the line of vicious.

In short, Internets, honesty is the best policy, so I am welcoming the remarkable new things that are coming my way, and I am ineffably glad to be rid of the trash that has dragged me down for over a year.

Also, remember this.

Love, Corey

Thursday, September 23, 2010

I don't need to have read Catcher in the Rye to know you're a bunch of a fucking phonies.

I forgive your inconsideration, but I won't fall for your feigned kindness again.

I don't carry anger as much as I carry disappointment.

I'm done thinking about it. My life is rife with good things and opportunities right now.

That's how I am choosing to think of it. I have a friend who should think this way, too. With the end of a broken relationship, can come new beginnings. Literally, there is nothing you can't do, now. I will have a new job soon, and when I make money, I am going back to Minneapolis, because it's not fair that Alex had to pay for everything. Then I am making Spenser come with me to visit Seattle.

My boyfriend needs a vacation more than anyone. Alright. I got shit to do.

I love yellow flowers.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

w(h)ine blog

so whatever fuck i will drink this glass of wine and fucking blog and not use punctuation or anything

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Away We Go

By "we" I mean me.

I am going to Minnesota, to Minneapolis, to visit my friend Alex.

Spenser bought me a book about drugs, to read on the plane. He bought me Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. I commend his efforts on trying to get me to open up to the idea that not all drugs are horrible.

Also, I am semi-officially a cocktail waitress.

Exile is good for me.

Monday, September 13, 2010

A List of Things I Need (ASAP)

1. A lot of wire
2. Various knick-knacks
3. Picture frames
4. Wood (and tools)
5. Taylor Swift's new CD

I've got art burning in my arms.

"You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter. You are the best thing that's ever been mine."

Sunday, September 12, 2010


I allowed myself, for a moment only, to feel hurt by knowing she is still relevant to him. I think it may be the last time I allow myself a moment like that, because truly, no longer is it any of my business, and also, why should I care who falls for it?

I am someone worth falling for, as it happens. So there. Take that, bruised ego, take that compliment and frame it on the wall where it belongs.

The end.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Accept Loss Forever

My friend has this quote tattooed to her leg. It has always been one of my favorite tattoos I have ever seen, and I am not even really into Kerouac.

I have lost a lot, lately. But luckily bad things come in threes, and the third thing just happened, so I am free of it, at least.

New, and good things abound.

Spenser and I drove to Milwaukee on a whim. Last night we watched Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, and baked Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies. So that has been bringing me out of my funk. He is defensive of me, which is nice.

Also, old friends are good to see again.

It's sad to me, though, how quickly some people will burn bridges. Alas, alack. I'm not embarrassed, or ashamed to admit that I feel a little betrayed by people that painted themselves as one thing, but are obviously, and ferociously not. I see my own faults, and mistakes, I admit them, I'd admit them before being confronted with them, but to be shunned by people who I have done so much for, is really unfortunate. To be cast out is not something I would wish on anyone, especially to be cast out by people you trusted.

Eh. What's done is done is done.

I'm done thinking about it.

The cookies are perfect. My boyfriend is a good person. He can be irritating, and we may argue, but he would never be malicious toward me, or toward anyone. He is respectful, and caring, and I am grateful. I like being soft, I would choose every time to be soft, and compassionate, even if it means I am socially awkward.

It took some turmoil and loss to me to see myself and like what I saw.

I like this a ton and a bunch.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Fuck All That Mess, a purge

Trust, and relationships get ruined.

It's for the better.

I won't lie though, it stings.

Fuck you very much.

Monday, September 6, 2010

Your High Horse Ain't Worth Reachin' For

Intuition is a funny thing, and so is getting face fucked for trying to be helpful, and a good person.
I've been in a lot of bad places lately, and they keys of my macbook, much like my bathtub, are becoming good and pink.
I've been thinking a lot about you, and you.
You in my dream life, and you with my ex-boyfriend.
You are both sour, shrill and exhausting.
God, I don't even know either of you.
I prefer it that way.
Anxiety gives me muscle spasms.
I'm tired, nauseous and achy.
I've needed to purge your shit anyway.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Death Sentences

Not mine, yours.

I hardly know you, but you're dying, and it's breaking my heart.

I think we're all sick, a lot of the time.

Right now it me, I am sick.

and You are dying.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Sickness and Health

I got my fawn tattoo. It's traditional style, on the front of my upper left thigh. I got a great deal and I want to go back to the same artist to get the lamb on the front of my upper right thigh, symmetry, eh?

All sorts of sickness is annihilating me.

I hate my fucking neighbors.

I feel very lonely, mostly, and tired, and sad.

Company would be nice. I want to play apples to apples, or scrabble, or cards, and just be quiet and not alone for a while.

So, for now, I am a sad sack, blogging about misery. Whatever.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Unknown - and other things

Tattoos I want:

- Modern Times ending

- a fawn and a lamb

- Maybe some William Blake something or other? I like William Blake.

I have some unknown illness which has been causing me great distress but lately I feel not terrible. Last night I held down a kit-kat and some other food. I haven't been gross all day, but I also haven't consumed much.

I want to see Scott Pilgrim vs. The World tonight, and I am putting big money on nothing being able to stop me. I want to go with John but I just may go alone. I like going to the movies alone, but this looks action-packed and funny, and I like to see those kinds of movies with people. Perhaps, though, my new tradition is to see Michael Cera movies alone. I saw Youth in Revolt alone and LOVED it... Maybe I will call Joe...

Monday, August 2, 2010

No Doubt

No Doubt songs remind me of John.

Some girls are plagues.

My motto lately, is "Make good choices."

I'm leaving in 58 hours for Nebraska with Spenser.

Don't worry, I'm bringing Small Hugs Sheep.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Takin it back

I have tomorrow off, so I can caffinate myself all night and sleep alll day tomorrow.

Work this morning was wonderful, once I got going.

I got a 20 dollar tip from a regular who doesn't usually tip because I changed the Pandora station from James Taylor, which was playing a lot of Billy Joel, to Simon and garfunkel, which played no billy joel, thank goodness.

I am seeing my favorite band later, that played their first show at the Metro on the day I was born, june 24, 1989.

I got a good boyfriend.

I'm washing my favorite dress, and then my hair, and then getting some food, and then setting out for the night i have dreamed of forever, SP with a dreamy boy.

Also, fuck, my hair is getting long.

I have so much hair!

Also, I realized the extent to which Spenser looks like a Disney Prince, which is adorable.

I love my job.

But honestly, I do not understand why someone else gets a day off, when I asked for the day off, and she makes me work first thing in the morning.

I don't. Get it.

So I am a little cynical this morning, but smashing pumpkins tonight.


Sunday, July 25, 2010

I don't even care that he smokes.

That's a lie.

I care a little.

But today I didn't care.

Taste of Lincoln Ave. weekend is one of the hardest weekends at work. It sucks. It's horrible. It's nothing but drunk people and everyone at work is really tense and stressed, especially me.

But after one of my longer shifts ever, he came over.

I was sitting in the living room, watching Food Network, and he asked me what my plans were for Tuesday night... uh, I don't know... None?

Then he asked if I wanted to see the Pumpkins at the Metro...

What? No way.

He said he was serious, and I did not believe him, and then he showed me the e-mail that said he won 2 tickets in the last minute raffle for Smashing Pumpkin's tickets at the Metro. He won. 2 tickets. Smashing Pumpkins. They have been my absolute favorite since I was 12. They were one of the first things he and I bonded over.

I shrieked for about 15 minutes. I couldn't believe it. This boy, this dreamboy was taking me to see my favorite band, on TUESDAY. My heart was pounding. Several tears were shed. I am still humming.

He is good to me, very good to me. And sometimes we fight, and we disagree and have misunderstandings, things that never happened with John. But being with John was easy because there was nothing at stake. Spenser is someone I want to keep.

Not just for the things he does for me, either, but because he is so appreciative of the things I do for him, and he acknowledges them, and me, consistently.

This is this morning. I was elated when I took this picture, and this was before my hard day, and before my tickets. This is just everything I ever wanted, asleep in my bed.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Sing Song Bloggity Bored

I have been working in the morning. 8 AM. Those hours are unheard of to me. I hate it, mostly. But then I have so much day light. It is confusing to me.

I am writing a song for the first time in a while. It feels good to sing sometimes.

I am feeling deeply fatigued, and will probably take a nap in a minute.

As it happens, I have likely become very lactose-intolerant which means that everything I love to eat I can no longer eat. No milk, cheese, ice cream, it's hell. It's complete and total hell. I am going to take a fucking Lactaid because I want some fucking cheese fries later.

Also, for all the ladies:

The shaving cream that this company makes, is literally a dream come true. It is like nothing I have ever used before and I will probably never use anything else again. It costs about as much as any brand shaving cream, but is completely glorious. I am obsessed with it.

This heat is oppressive. So I am going to go take a bath and shave my legs.

I'm going to go dancing some night sooner than later, when Spenser works late. I am curious, and I need exercise.

12 days until Spenser and I leave on the Amtrak for Nebraska.


Monday, July 12, 2010

Monday, Monday


Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Dear Oh My God, Are You Kidding Me?

Calling me over an hour in the morning (early, unforgiving morning) before my shift starts to find out where something went, on a day I didn't work, is horrible.

How the shit should I know? Call the fucking idiot n00b, who is probably at fault.

I am so very tired.

Monday, July 5, 2010

girls, girls, girls, haunting me

Not you, though. You don't haunt me anymore. I don't know if you ever did, really, but it was a fun feud while it lasted. He said we had a lot in common, which always scared me because I never wanted to end up how you did, with him. But it also made me wonder how many of my ex's were dating girls that I have a lot in common with, and if we could have ever been friends, sort of. I don't know. One of the many problems I encounter is how different I am from my peer group. My friends, my true, good friends, are all usually a minimum of 3 years older than me. The girls I find in my grade or within a year of me, with VERY few exceptions, are all so false, and hip, and cool, and they are collectors. Maybe it's the community I am in. I don't like the girls that feed on being liked. I just want to meet real people. I need to get away from this city for a while.

You, though, a different you, you haunt me. The amount of times a week I say that I hope you die young makes me feel like a horrible person.

A girl that I have encountered recently, in the context of a situation where I have to deal with her, aka, a co-worker, literally makes me want to scrape my face off. She acts so indignant when I try to correct her, but the fact is, I have been working at the shop for 3 years, she has been working for 3 months, and I know what the fuck I am doing.

I can finally listen to songs and watch movies with the name Molly without getting sick at my stomach, and I can thank Spenser for that. My loathing for one of yous no longer stems from the same place, but now it is just a point of how false you are. Spenser is real.

I don't appreciate being lied to, which is another reason you, not a girl, make me not want to be around you. Your enthusiasm is suspicious and I not only doubt it, entirely, but it also makes me think I have no idea who you are, which doesn't bother me, I don't think.

John and I saw Twilight last night, as we have seen the other 2. I think for him it is so much for the laugh of the teenage melodrama, and for me it starts that way, but I get so into it and by the end I am gasping and near tears. It makes me feel so young, and so stupid. But I will be damned if people try to deny how fucking gorgeous Jacob is, I mean seriously, those shoulders? Yum.

John will always be important to me. I always used to fear resenting the person who took me away from him, but I began to fear I would resent John if I didn't take this chance with Spenser, who is so different from anyone.

We are having lunch with my best friend today. It will be nice, I think.

Anyways, this is mostly to say, "sorry" for all the shit and all the nonsense, to the first you. I hope your birthday was a truly spectacular as mine, and that this year for you as looking as good as mine.

I am taking my first trip with a significant other, in august. We leave in less than a month, taking the train. I feel like an adult. Maybe I am. I don't know.

bloggity blog. cryptic you's, Maybe I am not an adult after all.

Friday, July 2, 2010


i want to delete my facebook.

i just need a break.

Monday, June 28, 2010

fire and abandonment

are things i am desperately afraid of.

Friday, June 25, 2010

I woke up on my birthday at 7 AM, because my body wasn't going to stay asleep. I dozed until around 8:30 when I had to wake up for work. I planned out everything I was going to wear, and I did my hair and I looked pretty snazzy by work standards.

I walked into work, where, by the way, I was actually excited to be on my birthday, and I saw balloons, and flowers, and an old co-worker who I adore but had moved away. My boss gave me a bag with presents, and I only had to work a shortened shift. One of my regulars gave me a ten dollar tip because I said I was going to an expensive martini bar in Andersonville, and I need to remember to write him a thank you card.

When I got home I realized that I had about an hour and a half before having to go to lunch with Spen and my mom and so I took a bath with the luxurious aromatherapy things my boss got me for my birthday, and watched things on John's netflix.

Lunch with Spen and my mom was pretty good. I got cheese fries. After lunch Spen and I went shopping with my birthday money and I got all kinds of shit.

I was really into writing this earlier, then I took a break, and now I have other things on my mind. So, that's all, for now.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


happy birthday to me.


happy birthday to you.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Dear Please-Fuck-Off-But-You-Never-Do, (an open-ish letter)

If you bullshit me to my face one more fucking time, don't expect me to be as nice about it as I have been every other time.

My malice is easily quelled by my frequent honesty. I don't lie to you, so I would appreciate it, if you would kindly do the same.

However, if you find this too much of an imposition, please fuck off and die.

My bullshit tolerance is about ankle high and your superficiality and need-to-please runs you about as high as my neck and I could not be more done with it.

I must politely insist you return to the hole from whence you came.

Always Respectfully,


In other news, I turn 21 on Thursday, and whatwith my total lack of inertia to drink, ever, that will be mostly anti-climactic, except for this great dress I got.

My new boyfriend is a gem, a total gem, and I can't get enough of him.

So, that's what's new.

Saturday, June 12, 2010


i puked today for the first time in 12 years.

it was horrible.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

All 100 of My Heartbeats

1. the soft pull
2. the snicker
3. the smile lines
4. the warmth
5. the rest
6. the early rise
7. the peek
8. the wide eye
9. the new sheets
10. the blank page
11. the loaded gesture
12. the arrival
13. the crawl
14. the chin-up
15. the velvet voice
16. the whisper
17. the bathroom
18. the stillness
19. the electric quiet
20. the dream-come-true
21. the tip-toe
22. the late-night lonely
23. the heavy lid
24. the worry
25. the eyelashes
26. the swell
27. the heavy breath
28. the relief
29. the check-in
30. the rip
31. the good-hair morning
32. the recognition
33. the find
34. the task
35. the post-procrastination success
36. the not-enough sleep
37. the crystal clear stare
38. the pictures by the bed
39. the lost weight
40. the ride
41. the gift
42. the surprise flowers
43. the day in day out
44. the care
45. the 1 Day Fun Pass
46. the putt
47. the money spent
48. the worth-every-penny
49. the foot-taste
50. the monday date
51. the boy
52. the grin
53. the rested-wake up
54. the problem solving
55. the measurement
56. the mac and cheese
57. the hand hold
57. the stale smoke
58. the acoustic rocket
59. the quiet sun stream
60. the heaviness of guilt
61. the no-regrets
62. the Shakespeare
63. the soundtrack
64. the date-night
65. the chilly walk home
66. the blue light wake up kiss
67. the spin
68. the alley
69. the grab
70. the 3rd time not such a charm
71. the stolen, quiet kiss in stained glass
72. the answered question
73. the almost-no-cigarette
74. the soundscape
75. the laugh-in-face of bad day
76. the impending bath
77. the thought of you
78. the no-nag
79. the ton-of-bricks idea
80. the found text
81. the soup
82. the made-it-through
83. the run-in
84. the pretty feeling
85. the sister
86. the alone but not lonely, for a while
87. the nap
88. the text
89. the apple
90. the "ohmygawdiwantastole"
91. the no-cling
92. the always second place
93. the will never be her
94. the acceptance
95. the nice chat
96. the clear blue
97. the light rain
98. the busy
99. the paint stain
100. the completion

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Dr. Worm?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

how you feel

irl, y'all

i am in-a-rela-tion-ship


look at all those hyphens.

i'm giddy.

right now I am just sitting, just, sitting, and i feel like i am on the wave swinger at navy pier, all over again, and it's this, and it's you and it's pretty nice, truth be told.

anyhow, more later, without a doubt.

No doubts.

It won't always be this easy, or this lovely, or this effortless, but the work will be worth it.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Break Broke

I broke up with John.

I have loved him for almost 2 years. I know I'll always love him, always.

But everything about Spenser is worth holding on to. We are good together.

I didn't break up with John because Spenser is a sure thing.

Spenser is a tremendous risk, but I want to do it right this time.

I want to not worry about making someone feel like an other.

It may not have hit me yet, but I don't know if it will. Spenser makes all the jealousy I feel about John and anyone, just stop existing.

Thinking about holding Spenser's hand chases past insecurity away.

I'll always love John, I know I will.

Spenser is good, though. Very good.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

everything is different than it was before

some things change by force

some things just happen

then they are the catalyst for a very new and important change

some people are different than other people

dear is dear, the world over.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

5 minutes 5 facts

1. I love King of the Hill.

2. Taylor Swift is awesome.

3. Sleep is healthy and restorative.

4. Yellow flowers are beautiful.

5. Feelings don't always make sense.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

miss miss

I miss everything. I miss my eyelids. I am going to wear glasses tomorrow.

I miss the quiet king size 14 hours of sleep bed.

I miss cheese tortellini with pesto and fancy parmesan and warm bread over doctor who.

There is literally, nothing I miss more than you, right now.

I'll be okay. Soon.

I need some serious sleep.

I'm sorry.

Monday, April 26, 2010

The Sad Truth

There is no dignified way to eat crispy chicken tacos from chipotle.

No way at all.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I Want to be the Girl with the Most Cake

I love him so much it just turns to hate.

I fake it so real I am beyond fake.

Some day you will ache like I ache.

Some day you will ache like I ache.

Some day you will ache like I ache.

Ohhhh, I get it now, the way we are prioritized out of the schedule.

Some day, I will ache like you ache.

Yeah, I get it now.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

bloggity blog

spicy food = weird dreams

small mountain resorts. you were there, and you, and you, and you. and you kept trying to hang yourself.

Monday, April 19, 2010

Oh, hey emotions

How old are you, like 13?

C'mon, man up.

...I hate everything.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Monday, April 5, 2010

Big Spender

2 one-piece rompers
1 skirt
2 dresses
1 pair of shoelaces
2 necklaces
14 pairs of socks
1 shirt
1 cardigan
1 label-maker
1 yellow sweatshirt
1 dinner for you and me

Monday, March 29, 2010

Excerpts from a 13 year old Corey's blogs

So, I have been reading my old blogs a LOT lately, and I was a serious breed of angsty. Enjoy these tidbits of my brain. These are just highlights. The longer one was edited down.

"people are so weird. i have noticed that. i have grown up in a world much differen than that of which i started. i used to live in a small suburb of atlanta in georgia. then i was here. in this big bad city. all by my lonesome. i guess. i don't hate hannah or graham anymore. i have no right to hate anyone. and no one has a right to hate me. i have never done anything that horrible to anyone. what could i have done? i am just a little girl. i haven't done any of my homework. im going to fail all my classes. and get yelled at. and die. my mother will kill me, if my father doesn't get to me first. i am 13. im not smart. i don't kno everything there is to kno in the world. i can't spell. i cut my hair. i like boys. i like girls. liars go to hell. my four year old half sister told me so. i can walk on gravel with my barefeet. i love to ride horses. i feel like im flying. she is my sister's. but i am the on that loves her. the pony. blondie. she is just like rodeo. my red doberman. she was the most beautiful dog in the world. and she would have- she did everything in the world to make sure i was safe. she bit the cabnit lady. i hate that lady. the horrible wench killed my dog. i should bite her and ask if she would have me put down. i have scars. who am i? just a silly little girl. i am telling you my thoughts and hopes and dreams....what are you thinking? "she must be crazy" i am indeed crazy... all of my friend have at one time talked shit about me behind my back. i am a complainer. i am cold. some of my friend once claimed i didn't exist. i am starting to believe them. whatever happend to amadaues jiminy? or the minkeys? i lost them. in my messy room. can you hear me scream? some one i hold dear to me one said "there is no person worth your tears." i believe that. i am in love with julian drew. i crack my knuckles, i bite my fingernails. i questions things to often. i am a liar. i have alwats lived my life thinking i was inferior to those around me. right now. i am the smartest, sweetest, coolest, most beautiful girl in the world. i can't paint my fingernails. i wish i could be held like a little baby.

my name is corey. i am a girl. i like boys. i like girls. do you have a problem with me? i'm sorry. i am too happy with who i am to care. do you love me? didn't think so...."

Important things to note about that are: my dog bit the woman who designing the kitchen in my dad's new house, because she was very protective of me and my sister and the woman was making my sister shriek because she was tickling her, and so my dog was just being protective. Also, amadeus jiminy and the minkeys were creatures that at 13, I claimed to have lived in my hollowed out right shin. As in, amadeus jiminy was a man that lived in my hollowed out right shin, and the minkeys were like little monkeys that lived with him. Julian Drew was the main character of my favorite book.

Background for this next bit: Danny was my boyfriend, Liz was my best friend and she also like-liked Danny, Graham is my friend. This bit is totally golden.

"no danny today. not even a little. he spent the whole day with liz. graham and i are worried. liz thinks im fucking paranoid. yeah well, i kind of have the right to be if u ask me. i bet danny thinks i don't trust him. well, heres a newsflash for the whole wide world, i trust no one."

I love it. the newsflash "for the whole wide world".

Yes. Win.

Sunday, March 28, 2010


whenever shit like this happened on xanga i moved on to a new blog.

but i am not 14 anymore.

But if you're interested in me at 14:

I was (am) a loser.

The Truth Is

I am moving on from this. Moving away from the indifference and the silence and not-enough-time.

I am young, and being dragged through this heavy mud with my mouth open and I can taste it, like the day Ferris Bueller was playing at Movies in the park and me and Chud and Claire used the Macy's stadium seating pads to slip and slide in the mud and I thought it would be a great idea to go head first and all that happened was mud and goose shit in my mouth. I almost threw up. I was wet and covered in mud, which is really a great way to be.

Not now, however. I'm sure I won't feel this way forever. I'm sure there will again be lightness and silliness and happiness between us, however, probably not the same kind.

I miss Chris, he is far away in the desert and I am here and lonely for him. Not lonely. I am with people and having fun, but I feel lonely without him. I miss the smell of his apartment and him and you know, it's weird.

I am less and less jealous of Paige. I don't give a shit. Whatever. She has huge tits, and they'll sag, and she is wonderful and effortless and sweet and bubbly and popular and that will probably stay the same but I feel fine with myself.

It also might have a lot to do with how the way I am feeling about John is changing.

I saw Eli last night and it was weird. Weird to look at him and think, at one point, I would have done anything for you, but it didn't go both ways and now you are with some little snotty girl. Really, like, the girl he has been with since he got to college is a total nightmare. I met her once at some show, and tried to be warm and friendly, and without saying a single word she PIVOTED on her heel and walked away. I was totally aghast. I would never behave that way to someone.

I guess it takes someone like John to find someone like Chris.

I appreciate him in a way a probably couldn't have if it weren't for John.

I am in no real hurry to eject John from my life, even in his current role, but I feel really bad because I really like Chris. I adore him. Thoroughly.

John doesn't want me. He wants creativity and work and theater and freedom. I am just an interesting piece of furniture in his crazy life, and I was okay with that for awhile, to be a sidekick, a shadow, an extension, but I am finding that with Chris, I don't need to be lesser to be connected.

John never explicitly made me feel lesser, it's just who he is.

I don't know.

I need to clean.

Oh you,

There is such an empty space when you are gone.

Friday, March 26, 2010

inhale exhale arrivals departures

My brother is home.

We'll see what happens there. He is pretty much here the entire time the Doctor is gone. I miss the Doctor, already. It's only been hours. I am exhausted, and I am probably going to bed soon, but I want to be on Briar.

I have spent more time alone in my life than is preferred, and it has caused me to be very touchy sometimes. As in, sometimes, I want to be alone.

When I am hopelessly tired, aching to sleep, all I want is quiet, and stillness, and warmth.

Irritation is not the same as being smothered. I know that now.

You're not that far away yet, yet.

Oh, Doctor.

Oh, Brother.

Tonight I will sleep like a baby.

Friday, March 19, 2010


When I found myself treasuring the transition, and the quiet, that is when I knew it was time to be alone. Time to be quiet for awhile, and alone. I am so tired, and my body needs a break.

We've been working for a while, and enjoying constant company, me and my body, but now we are alone and ready for a break. A nap, a quiet, no talk, all alone-ness.


Wednesday, March 10, 2010

out brain spot feet hurt

Deer Shoe-sock,

You ache and you know me so well.

I might be taking my future into my hands, pretty soon, via a real live man.

I am crushin' pretty hard on someone that isn't John, and is 21, and is funnier than all hell, and makes me feel really pretty, and important. Not that John doesn't make me feel important, because he does, he really does, especially considering all the calls I watch him screen and all the time he spends working, the fact that I see him as often as I do is a Christmas miracle.

But Chris is a different kind of miracle. That may be extreme. It is. He is new, and exciting, and I really want him to stay that way.

I find a lot of the same ease with him as I do with John.

I just love talking to him.

All my cards are on the table.

I don't know what to do.

I have never been so torn. I feel like I am leaning one way, but patterns tell me other things will happen.

I don't want to believe in patterns.

I want to believe in happy things, like this moment, when my heart explodes with light and silliness.

Today was an INCREDIBLE day.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

work til 7, LOST, The Forgotten, Train, Bus, Funny Games

This is my favorite pair of pants, and one of my favorite shirts.

My nails are painted teal with blue and green glitter on top.

I have section by section, straightened my hair.

I need a haircut. Everyone is saying my hair looks long. My hair isn't long, but if it looks it, it means it's too long.

My bed is a shelf, and I need to clean.

I am going to watch the german version of Funny Games tonight. I love the remake, and it's shot for shot, so, that should be interesting.

I don't know what else to say.

If warm-fuzzies were rabbits, mine have turned rabid and bred like...rabbits...


I have to go to work.

Monday, March 1, 2010

New Number

Among many things, having a new cell phone number means that whenever I have to give someone my number, they won't think I'm from Michigan, which is not where I am from, but where my dad got the phone.

Now they'll think I am from Gerogia, which is at least some place I have actually lived.

Instincts, Guts, Heart, It's All The Same, and I Go with Them All

It was not logic, or my sense of reason, or my over-abundance of quarters that got me through the turn style and onto the train that carried me to my crying best friend in the basement of her house when I was 16.

It went like this, I called her, to see what she was doing that night.

Her: (audibly crying*) Hello?
Me: Hey? Are you okay?
Her: (between sobs** and halfheartedly) Yeah...
Her: If you can.

*This is the second time ever, in 10 years at that point, I had ever seen/heard her crying.
**CRYING! She never cried, I cry. My heart was racing.

At that point I put on pants and gathered my quarters and ran to the Diversey Brownline and got on and waited again at Belmont for a redline and as soon as the doors of the redline closed, I burst into tears.

A middle-aged woman: Are you okay, dear?
Me: (through tears, and nearly shouting) MY BEST FRIEND NEEDS ME!

When I got there I found out the trouble had been a fight with her mom, and I think later that night we cut and dyed our hair for the first of what would amount to many times.

I am maternal- not in the way that I am ready for babies, because I am not, at all, ready for babies. I am not with the man I want to be with forever, I am still younger than young and I am not setting any long-term plans.

But I am a hugger. I am a nurturer. Come into my house and you can be assured I will offer you my last slice of pizza, my last sip of pop, anything, for you. I care endlessly, mercilessly. It can be troublesome.

Also, I am mostly levelheaded. I have about zilch will-power, and just this side of none self-control, but I try to be logical, and reasonable. That being said, I am also certifiably boy-crazy.

Right now, it is mostly one boy in particular. I mean, he is more of a guy, and then there is the man that I have been with for 2 years and that's where my guts are confused.

I think it's my guts that wake me up in a fit every morning lately. I shoot up to a sitting position in bed, I am sweating and disoriented. Maybe it's because I have a touch of a cold, or maybe because I am totally smitten with a man more than twice my age, and also feel this strange undeniable spark with someone new, and different, and my age. The age thing doesn't bother me. Neither of the ages. They are just different men.

I feel so childish in my double-standard with my relationship, though. I mean, I feel fine with myself filled with warm-fuzzies for someone I am only starting to get to know, but the idea that John might be even vaguely interested in someone else, chews at my fingertips. Not for long though, because I remember that this is for now. John is what I want, and what I need right now, and he has said that at least now and for the foreseeable not-too-long-term future, he wants to be with me, and that is beyond okay, straight over to ideal. I enjoy John now, as in, the immediate present and in the upcoming months, probably some years, but there is no way he is the person I want to be with forever. He is distant, and his priority is his work, and my forever will not see life that way. John doesn't want a forever with anyone but himself and his work, which I figure is plenty respectable. Plus, if I set my sights on 'til deaths with this man, I know I would be left drowning in his wake.

I actually feel a great security in that we aren't going anywhere. It's easy, it's safe. There are no expectations on either side, and it's made for very little, if any fighting, ever, and pretty much the easiest, most stress-less relationship I have ever been in.

Of course I love him. I am a lover.

And he doesn't need to love me, because that isn't what this is about.

This is about guts, so I have colossally digressed, but I am sitting in his room, in my favorite chair, the chair that he gave me, and he is presumably asleep in bed, and I have a lot on my mind, and my gut is getting smaller.

This is already too long.

I'll hug pretty much anyone who asks, and at 3:43, at this exact moment, in my house dress and barefeet and minor congestion, I almost even want to hug you. I respect your position, and can see in him what can leave behind such devastation that takes a lot of time, if it can at all be repaired. I understand, but I don't think I'll ever know exactly. You will never get what you need or want out of him, and he will never love me, because he is an asshole, and an idiot, this I can see even through the rose colored glasses.

But none the less, for now, I adore him.

And now my gut just wants to curl up in bed, and sleep until Tuesday.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

These are the facts.

I was born in New Hampshire, moved to Georgia before my first birthday, and to the city of Chicago before my sixth.

I am allergic to pot and honey.

I don't smoke, and I don't drink.

I grew up in Lincoln Park, and got picked on by all the private school kids and rebelled by trying to be the exact opposite of them; I am honest, friendly, and I don't pick on people smaller than me.

I have had a green mohawk, shaved my head, and had all sorts of bizarre and horrible haircuts in my life.

I got my nose broken in a mosh pit at the fireside bowl when I was 13.

In high school, I was miserable, all four years.

I might have a chemical addiction to nail polish and tattoo ink.

I got my first tattoos on my 18th birthday.

I have 18 tattoos at this moment.

I have 2 cats, Pouncer and Poppie, and I have a tattoo of my cat that died, Pearl.

I like to read, and watch movies.

I hosted a teen open mic for a number of years in high school, it was my singular salvation. Later I would sing in it, with my one-man-band The Alphabet. At open mic, I would dance alone until other people stopped caring about what people thought and would join me.

I am not into piercings, really. I like really weird ones. I had a dermal anchor in my chest for almost a full year, and a transverse lobe piercing for about 6 months.

I don't claim to be an expert on anything.

I have travelled some, and will likely travel a lot more.

I don't like New York.

I am moving to Seattle.

I mostly listen to 90's grunge, pop, and post-grunge alternative music, and a little bit of bluegrass and country and a lot of 80's new wave.

My favorite song this week:

I love Abraham Lincoln, and american history.

I am not a feminist, because I think the movement is no longer necessary, we got the rights.

I am an optimist, and passifist, but I fight like hell for things I believe in.

I cry a lot.

I laugh even more.

I try not to dwell.

I have to go to work.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Wednesday is a great day.

John had to get up early, but I got to lounge around all day and sleep until 2 in his great big bed.

When I woke up, there was a bagel that he got for me, waiting. It was delicious.

The Carly Simon pandora station is slowly being replaced in my listening habits, with Fleetwood Mac, Cake, Weezer, and Jens Lekman. When the Barry Manilow cover of "Memories" from Cats, got played more than once in one hour, serious rotations needed to be made.

After 2 weeks of reduced portions, eating slower, and walking/exercising more, I am already down just under 10 lbs. I didn't even have to give up grilled cheese sandwiches with bacon.

I am a peanut-butter and jelly fiend, lately.

Also, the new girl at work is wonderful. I have been there for just over 2 years, and new people are exciting. All my new co-workers are awesome, and we seems to have a crop of new regulars, too, which is exciting.

I really feel now, more than ever, that I am a part of my neighborhood. Wellington to Altgeld, and Southport to Halsted. I know people. I know where people live, and work, and when I am walking down the street, to or from work, or anywhere, chances are I can say "Hello" to someone I know.

Also, while I was sad to see Coconuts go all those years ago, the fact that there is a Lover's Lane there right now, amuses me to practically no end. And the building right behind it is this beautiful curved porches, big, glass, fishbowl turrets, and it sucks to know that John could have lived there, when it was still Peter's apartment, but shit, it's a beautiful building, and I have seen a lot of trash go up in this neighborhood over the past 10 years.

I hope they put something as pretty in the lot where Billy Corgan's house used to be. That was a beautiful fucking house.


For now, I am going home, to hang out with my mom. I love her, and have felt, lately, more than probably ever in my life, really glad to have her around. I love talking to her.

Also, I love John Lennon, and this.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Nine Inch Nails SUCKS (get over it, you hags): An Open Letter

I could write a 5,000 word essay on much I loathe Trent Reznor. He is an idiot, and a tool.

The music is melodramatic, it's 7th grade, it's 30+ year old women that pick on "little girls", I haven't thought about you idiots in months. Yes, I said idiots, and that's all you'll ever get out of me, you poor, pathetic children. I am washing you dumb cunts out of my hair. I have bigger fish to fry, and a blog to write, and when you come back, week after week, to read what I write, I hope you titter and giggle, and then I hope you consider your situation. You are grown women, who don't know me, and have made your own questionable choices.

I can't fight childishness, cattiness, and name-calling with logic, it just doesn't work.

I think it's funny that someone who is proud of pictures in ass-less stripper costumes questions my fashion sense.

Burn my effigies, eat me, shut up, move on.

I couldn't be more done with you. You are a joke, your blog is a joke. It's been almost 6 years, if your new beau is so great, move on, please.

I'm almost ashamed I stooped to your level. Almost.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


All in all, this winter has been far superior to last. This winter is racing by, and before I know it, I will probably be in southern Italy with John. I am ready.

Last winter I stayed at home all day and all night and watched Youtube videos. The back catalogs of vloggers, and I loved these people. I admired them all from afar, and my disinterest with my own life, and envelopment with theirs was nothing short of weird.

Spring came, as it does, and I got a bike, and rode it, even though I didn't lose as much weight as the summer before. Hopefully I will shed some serious poundage before I leave for Italy. Now I am going to start counting my chickens, and my calories, and my swim suits, and my heart beats. I need to, or I will end up in Italy all lumpy and insecure.

Now it's time to sleep, and I don't hate anything anymore. I just need a nice bike ride to the beach listening to Ceremony by New Order, and I want to swim.

Tomorrow will be a good day, y'all.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Middle School Wasn't That Long Ago

To you, buck up.

And to you, how many times can it be said? GO AWAY. Why my boyfriend? Why my life? GET OUT.

That's all I got.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Jessica Anne's Chaos

Dear Jessica:

On Sunday, during Sheer Chaos, when you had walked across the stage, and you were standing there, taking everything in, whatever you were doing, I wanted to get out of my chair, throw your birdbones over my shoulder and set you down in a bed, or a couch, or a nice chair, and paint you. All I could think about was wanting the world to see your cheek bones and collar bones and the knuckles of your index fingers. You are delicate lines and I just wanted to wallpaper your house with lace and bones and the kind of hands pianists have. I'd paint you on the ceiling and I'd paint your fingernails.

Do you have any idea how weird it all felt, at once, during that one play?

It was a great play.

Good work.

When I am a neo-futurist, you better still be one too.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


My negativity and anger is easily smothered by new people. Magical radiohead-girls, and awkward nerd-boys.

New people are exciting.

My hopes aren't up.
My hopes aren't up.
My hopes aren't up.

7 minutes until the bus comes.

I miss Fuzzy, so much. I miss him to the end of the earth and back. Maybe I ought to arrange another trip out west. I love that boy.

This is us last February. by the pacific.

Thursday, February 4, 2010


The social "thing" has never come easy for me. I don't know if it's autism, or if I just think too much, or what, but it's a problem.

I feel like I try so hard, and nothing ever comes of it.

I am so eager and willing and I would do anything.

I am no butterfly.

I am mostly quiet, and still, and anxious, and emotional or something.

But you, you filthy, gorgeous, skanky, perfect princess. I hate you. You're nice, and friendly, and prettier than me. You breeze through these situations like they are the air you breathe and I could literally sucker punch you with my sweaty anxious fists.

I wish you would go away.

Please go away.

Maybe it should be me.

I hope I get the part in the play.

I need something to think about other than how I feel so left out among the people I spend the most time with.

I don't fit in. I am a baby. I don't want to get drunk and climb trees. I have never wanted to do that.

I don't belong anywhere

The thing is, every once in a while I think about this:

"i will never be a part/i will always be apart"

as a tattoo. But it's so defeatist and I hate that attitude.

Who am i kidding?

I hate everything.

Monday, February 1, 2010

My Monday Overshare (do not read if you can't handle a good TMI)

So, I just had sex with my magnificent boyfriend and I am going to get a bikini wax in a few hours and I am kind of nervous it will still be all sensitive. Shit.

Also, I hate it when people do shit like this, especially on facebook.

I consider myself a normally classy kind of lady, and I don't like it when people are all over-sharing and up in my brain with things I don't want to hear about.

I could have lived my whole life without even wanting to think of wanting to know if the shocker "actually feels kinda good!".

This has been my Monday Overshare. Don't expect another.

Friday, January 29, 2010

fyoot chur

i have never in my life been so hopeful for spring and summer.

there is a light at the end of this miserable, pimple, winter tunnel.

dry skin.

unless something horrible happens, there is a pretty good chance i will be spending my birthday in italy with john.

italy in june with john.

i am not counting my eggs, or my ducks, or my crayons, or my suitcases, or my swimsuits, or my heartbeats, or anything, not yet.

ooh child, things are gonna get easier.

i have to be at work in about 5 hours.


Monday, January 25, 2010

There Are No Reptiles in the Antarctic

I have amassed a bit of knowledge since my last update, thanks in no small part to a book I picked up at Powell's on the way home from the bank. I had to deposit some money so I wouldn't overdraw after buying guacamole from Garcia's on a whim on Saturday night.

I have also been cleaning my pit of a room, near mercilessly. My mother used to say walking past my room made her want to vomit, and I thought she was insane. But since tidying up a bit, even the stuff on the floor now, makes me kind of claustrophobic.

Every Monday night I watch Hoarders on A&E. It makes me want to clean. It makes me sit the the rubble of my room and throw away the things I haven't touched, looked at, thought about, in months, let alone years. There was honest to God garbage on the floor. Trash. Old paper, empty pop bottles. I have thrown away 2 full, 39 gallon lawn garbage bags, filled with old broken, ruined things. I have 2 boxes filled with clothes, shoes, and things that I need to get to the Salvation Army, somehow.

I see pictures of girl's rooms on tumblr, and they are beautiful, and nothing is on the floor. It makes me crazy. I have so many things. I have so many clothes. I have so much junk, and getting rid of it is so hard. How could it be so hard to just throw away things I don't use?

I could use it tomorrow. That shirt I haven't worn in years? I'll wear it someday. I like the design, I can turn it into a pillow/purse/new shirt. I will never turn it into anything else. It will just be another shirt I never wear.

Rob got me this shirt, almost 5 years ago. I have worn it all of about 3 times. I don't want to give it away. I'll give it to someone I know. But I don't know if I could give it, just, away. I don't know.

I want to be done. I want to throw away the broken things. I don't need them to remember. The things I need are safe in my keepbox.

I am a keeper. Not a hoarder. I am a keeper. Not a hoarder. I am cleaning.

In other news: American Apparel now makes nail polish, which will be death to my finances.

I have an envelope.

I am saving money. I need to. I need to get out of this house. I shouldn't still be living with my mother. It's not that bad, but she's leaving this condo soon, for a smaller apartment, and I will need to go somewhere.

Winter is terrible. Last year around this time I escaped to Northern California, and now I want to go to Hawaii, or someplace. I need to go somewhere warm.

I want to wear shorts.

My feet are so cold.



Sunday, January 17, 2010

Hey Emma,

This is Max's bandthing. Slow Giant.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


I don't drink a lot of coffee, and maybe I have had a little more than normal anxiety in my life. John was gone for a lot of days, I have not been getting as much sleep as usual, I don't know. I was tired, maybe, and caffeine set off the alarm.

I started having extreme shortness of breath, and my heart was palpitating like a motherfucker. I was stuttering really really bad, and I was very light headed, and after 9 hours in the ER, alone for the first 7, it was diagnosed as an extreme anxiety attack, that had been triggered by caffeine. As in, caffeine made my heart race, and then my whole body reacted.

Whatever the case, around the 5th hour, after the blood tests determined I may have a pulmonary embolism, while I was being wheeled in a wheelchair, in a hospital gown, to get a CT scan, I saw a girl on a gurney in front of me, with her boyfriend walking beside her, holding her hand. I just started sobbing. My phone had died, I hadn't talked to someone in hours, and I lost it.

I laid there, on the CT scanner, just sobbing, trying to hold still when told to. The guy who was doing it was really nice to me though.

I waited for the CT scan results forever, and John got there at 11 or so. Two hours later they took the IV out of my arm and told me that there was no pulmonary embolism, that it must have only been a very bad panic attack.

All of that. Right after the IV was put in, I was very amused by the whole situation.

But then it turned to lonely shit. My arm is sore where my IV was. The fluid they pump in to do CT scans was terrifying. I've never had blood drawn before.

They prescribed Xanax. I am not taking any, I'm just going to save it, in case.

I have no plans to become addicted to Xanax. Everyone is all worried that I will get addicted.

It's stupid. I'm way too addicted to living a completely un-medicated (save for a monthly dose of midol) life. I don't drink, and I don't smoke, and I don't want to live in any kind of haze, but maybe it will be good to have around in the event that all of a sudden I panic again.

So. There. That was my Tuesday.

Saturday, January 2, 2010

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Friday, January 1, 2010

A Nap, Finally

I have been tired all week, for the last 10 days, exhausted. So sleepy. So I finally took a nap.

I am ready for John to come back. I couldn't be more ready if I tried.

I miss him so much.