Tuesday, May 26, 2009

"I know"

I am almost 20 years old. Plenty of my peers are in the same boat as me, the same, anxious and waiting to be 21 boat. However, unlike most of my peers, I am not excited to drink alcohol, and gamble, and get into certain strip clubs, etc. I want to be able to hang out with my boyfriend. I want to be able to go dancing, and to the bars he goes to, just to hang out with him and friends. It makes me feel shitty that he has to choose between hanging out with me, where we can go, or going out with his friends at bars or clubs where I can't get in, because I am almost 20, and not 21. I can only hope that 20 goes by as quickly as 19 did. I don't want to drag him away from the places he wants to be, but I want to be able to spend time with him. I want to be able to dance and hang out.

That's the end of my whiny rant about being too young to do what I want, and I have complained a lot about my age here, it's hard.

I got off the bus today, and sat down at the bus stop for the next bus I needed to get on, and then "Come Pick Me Up" by Ryan Adams came up in the shuffle and swelled my heart up real big and I decided to walk. It was gray, but not raining, and if I got tired, I could always stop and wait for a bus.

I have been having bouts of really bad chest pain, heart palpitations. It happened on the bus last night to John's, and then again when I was walking, and then again when I was home. I want to believe it's because I have been so happy lately that my heart just can't handle it, but I think it is more likely caused by anxiety problems. But I am happy.

Anyhow, I made it a hop and a skip past Lawrence before Paula called me and I went to The Grind and got her some coffee and I got a raspberry hot chocolate, which was delicious. Then Paula and I sat around and we played on her dad's wheelchair elevator lifty deal outside. Sara came and we went to Wells Park. That didn't last and we ended up back at Paula's house, where I played with Ringo, who was cuter than cute.

I have been tired all the time.

On Friday Beek is going to pick me up from work on her SCOOTER and we are going to shop in Wicker Park and then go downtown.

I want to be able to wear my swim suit to the beach soon. I love to swim.

I have spring fever, I think that's why I am so lovey-dovey. It's the sun and the birds and the warm breeze, they elate me, and then I wake up, and get kissed on the head.

I am sleepy, but I feel good, and somber, and pensive, and a little sad, maybe.

I don't know.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Lemon Chiffon

Diane is not bad. Not at all, I would go so far as to say Diane is pretty good. There has been plenty of past tension but tonight, I was happy to talk to her, and happy to hear about her sleep deprivation due caused by not wanting to sleep through a moment of hanging out with this new dude in her life. I was sad when I had to go downstairs.

My day at work was perfect. I felt good, and I kept busy, and it even started great because there, at the bottom of the daily log, in big yellow and green letters, it read "GREAT CLOSE COREY!" as in, I had not only cleaned and prepared the store for the next day adequately, but I did great. I was there a long time, and I worked very hard, but rather merrily, because my heart was still buzzing from the spark that was shot through it when Sid had to go. I was on clouds, and I floated over the closing, it was a very sweaty, jerky, jagged floating though, that involved a spontaneously stopping vacuum.

But I got home, and as I kept almost nodding off to sleep, I though about John. I was tired and lonely and wanted to be at his house, in his room, in his bed, falling asleep wrapped in those smells. But I didn't get to see him until the show, but he was so great in the show. He is great. He was charming and handsome, like a prince, and I was totally taken by him. Girl crushes can be fine and good, but when I think about the Johnman, and what he has done for me, in terms of helping me see and feel my potential, I am giddy with adoration. I am proud to be the girl he can call his. I can only hope that he can feel that way about me.

I don't feel like I have accomplished a lot, but I like the niche I have carved for myself in my neighborhood, at the theater, with my friends, with John, but especially that I feel like I live in this city, I know my way around.

I want to move out, and possibly to Lincoln Square.

I want to move out.

I want to move.

Not right now, now, I want to go to a movie.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

soft soft

Long ago, when I was just a wee girl, and I just started speaking, I used to call lip balm of any kind, "soft". I think my long standing addiction to lip balm began there. I have lip balm either on my person, or within 10 feet of me, at all times.

Except for the week that I left it in the car when I got dropped off at camp. Awful.

Anyhow, I like rubbing my lips together and having them be smooth and soft. I like that a lot.

I also like Sid a lot. It goes beyond just regular crush to crush + friend-crush = a general excitement when I talk to her. I like that she knows about things I want to know about, and she has the same excitement that I do for art, probably more even, it's so inspiring to be around her. She's gorgeous, which doesn't hurt either. I could look at those big brown eyes alll day. Three L all. ALLL.

I am hoping that our adventure plans come to fruition. Oh, the adventures!

Oh my.

I was planning to be a little social tonight, but discovered I was tired, and would rather stay home, and relax in my chair, and melt into my bed when I get tired enough to get into it.

I had a good day at work, which I owe in large part to Sid, for keeping me company over a very slow day.

My cat is giving me the eye.

I wanted to meet Sara and Vinny at the Music Box for Army of Darkness, but no such thing happened. Hopefully though, that will allow me to read John's book tonight.

Now though, it is time for mac and cheese, and cleaning up the messes I have made, and reading, and cross word puzzle, and sleep.


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Dear Emma,

Your prom fantasy, specifically, the end of your prom fantasy, made me swoon. She goes alone, but in the end, Duckie is there, and he is wearing a blue suit, and he tells her that he is now, and will forever be, a Duckman, and he is wearing those killer white shoes that he wore the entire movie. I watched a documentary about it and they said the could only find those phenomenal shoes in a size too big and a size too small for him.

Those are great shoes.

I am glad you are going to prom, because if nothing else, the food should be pretty great, and besides the food and the bad music, and the more-than-likely godawful dresses, you, I'm sure, will look magnificent. You don't give yourself enough credit. I have seen the things you have made, and you're great. That being said, please take at least one picture.

I hope to see you at Too Much Light afterwards, you and perhaps some gang in your prom best.

You're almost out, you're almost a real person in the eyes of society.


(this is where the letter to Emma concludes)

That being said, I feel like many people I know are facing turning points. Or maybe just three. Emma is graduating from High School, and going away to college, I am leaving behind my teens, for the official and way older sounding 20's, and a girl I met recently is graduating from college. Oh, the beginnings of endings are upon us, and there is no turning back. I have been so excited to turn twenty, if anything, just for John's sake, like, truly, I feel bad for having a teen at the end of my age; I just feel like it makes me sound so much younger. But TWENTY. That is a good, solid age, and has the fewest letters spelled out since TWELVE.

I love words. I love words and letters, and tattoos and writing, and fish.

I went to the Aquarium, and then a motherfuck of a walk yesterday, with a girl, a pretty cool girl. I am making a list of adventures. I will post it when I am done. Perhaps I will even start a blog about our adventures. Chicago will be ours this summer.

Like Alex G gave this city to me, I will pass it on, or something really cheeseball and corny like that, because she's a hell of a girl.

Saturday, May 16, 2009


Could I be more homosexual when I am around you? I think not.

I have been day-dreaming about domestic fantasies all week. Not all week, but when my thoughts wander, they end up at your imaginary door, where you imaginary live, and where I sometimes imaginary stay with you over night and we have beautiful sexual make-out montages to "Free" by the Martinis. We eat dinner and watch movies, and drink wine. And then it gets nasty, or, on the contrary, not nasty at all, in fact, it get's sweet and cute, like little kittens with the same color fur curled up, where you don't know where one ends and the other begins.

I have been day dreaming those day dreams about a girl. And maybe I shouldn't day dream those things with such a fine and wonderful upstanding man in my life, but fuckit. I am HORMONAL-no, crazed. It's chemical, and this crush must be some kind of reaction.

I haven't liked a girl in a long time, probably not since I was 16. Oh man. I forgot what it felt like to feel so gay. I have long considered myself Straight with exceptions, and you, lady, are an exception. I would accept you anytime. All night long.


And it's not even just physical. I know that I am jonesin' for someone when I want to talk to them, a LOT. As in, I wish I had asked her for her number, so I could call her and tell her that if she wanted, we could go to the Aquarium for free, and we could walk and look at fishes and hold hands a little? Yeah? oh man.

I am so not going to publish this to the internet.

Turns out, I am. Please talk to me again sometime. I promise I'll be cool.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I am (perhaps hopelessly) determined to do creative things tonight. I want to work in the book John gave me, the beautiful glow in the dark book he handmade for me for Christmas.

I don't know how to draw the way I want, though.

I don't want him to look at it some day and think that I could have done better.

Friday, May 1, 2009

I have to pee so bad.

Like, really, really bad.

So bad.

Oh my god.

It hurts.

I have an hour before I have to be at the theater. One. Hour.

Oh my god.

I will probably use the bathroom at in a minit.