New Bike

i bought a bike. it is blue. it belonged to Trent, and now it belongs to me. It is my bike.

i don't know my bike's name yet, i will soon. awesome.

new bikes are cool.

<3

I lowered the seat but it is still kind of tall. Anyway I can make it shorter?

This American Life

Maria Gaspar told me a hundred times to listen to This American Life, and now I am.

Listening, and watching. It's so amazing. Everything is so fucking real. Honesty and real life. I love it. There was a story about a boy who didn't believe in love: this 14 year old boy, who doesn't love and is 100% sure he never will. He doesn't want all that pain and anguish that comes with it. Eli didn't want it either, and I am tempted to ask him whether or not it was worth it, whether it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I still love him so much. I just want him to be happy, no matter what.

But on to newer things:

I like him, this David boy. It's fucking ridiculous. I miss liking Dean, who was so out of my league it was insane. But David, I think, is wonderful, and I can't seem to get enough of him. And then there's Trent. Who I adore, but is leaving soon, and I wish he was more, who he was when I met him.. He shouldn't smoke and drink. If I could see that same enthusiasm that he had the night we met, it'd be so different.. I don't know how to tell him just how much into David I am. I don't want him to hurt. I want to protect him from really terrible things, I want him to be pristine and wonderful and I want to save these gorgeous images and clips of him in my head. Like the first time I saw him, sitting in the neo-futurist office, looking up at me from the computer, and then hearing him say "Because Trent is big." (To my getting him a "Trent-size" towel.) That's what I want to remember. Not a drunk or smoking Trent. David though, is so bright. Absolutely downright jovial at times. I love that about him him. But what weirded me out the most was when he was sad, I would have done absolutely ANYTHING to make him happy again. I feel the same way about Trent, at times. I want them to be happy, all the time, and it scares me that they won't always be.

Happiness. This seems to be a theme of this post...

I am pretty happy right now. After driving around with Matt Insley, and then going cosmic bowling, just the two of us. I know him a little better, and like him a little more. He is a really good person. And we have almost identical bowling skills. That was probably the best part. There we high-fives, at knocking down even only 1 pin, because that became a good number after a few hard core gutter-balls. While bowling, Trent texted me, with a request, or maybe even just a statement, for my presence at his house, but honestly, I was so much happier bowling with Matt than I probably would have been over there. So Matt saved me.

Men have been saving me a lot, lately.

Jay, the grilled cheese and orange soda knight, who brightens long days.
Matt, the bad bowler, amazing company knight, who is good to talk to, very relaxing.
David, the sweet, giving, handsome, silly knight, who always gives me these looks that I can't get out of my head.
Eli, always my knight in shiming armor, who I know still loves me just the same.
Trent is the knight who saved my summer.

Where the hell are all of my girl friends? hmm.

I'm glad I know these men, or boys.

Neo-Futurism changed my life, so many good things can come of it.

Let's be honest. There's no time to lie.

<3 co

Today, was AWESOME

Best parts of the day:

Steph and I made out like bandits in tips. It was like, 23 bucks a piece. Thats 46 dollars we made in drunken tips. YES.

Passing out samples with the help of David. He should be a salesman. I would definitely buy encyclopedias from him. A through Z.

Watching Star Wars with David, leaning over the back of his chair, and having him flip me over onto his lap.

This: (it's a comment from Jay Dawson on my facebook, about a conversation i was kind of having in Hoagie Hut while trying to say goodnight to Jay:

"so those drunk guys you were talking to. the conversation went like this, from what i heard.

Corey-So you didn't eat all that food
Dark skin guy-no, wait yeah we did
white-i'll take you on a date and buy you everything
corey- what?
dark skin guy- he said he'll take you on a date
white- i'll fuck you in the butt
Jay- HAHAHAHAH
corey- what?
Jay-nothing....

thanks so much. i really needed that at that point."

yep. All in all, great day. Absolutely fucking amazing.

YES.

Alone

Maybe if I were normal....


I feel like sleeping and eating and battling tigers.

There is nothing left in me. I am weak, and I wish I knew words. But I don't.

And there is nothing left in me.


...I wouldn't be so fucking alone.

Small

everything can collapse a little, when something happens that one wasn't anticipating. I was most definitely not anticipating certain recent events.

I am an uncomfortable mixture of ashamed and confused. Yuck.

Tomorrow:

I will tell Trent everything I think he needs to know, I will give him a mighty hug, and the biggest apology I can muster. I hope I don't cry.

I am so tired. I think I will update this more often.