Oh Fuck The Cunts That Plague My Dreams

After typing out the name of every girl I have ever felt inferior to in regards to the guy who has loved her before he's loved me, or has loved her and never loved me, I realized I might have some kind of psychosis. One that makes me feel like I am forgettable and not worthwhile.

And because of this, instead of ever feeling sorry for myself again, I will think of how to one person, I represent total choas, and another person has 3 pictures by their bed, of their best friend, their favorite teacher, and me. And right now I am loved by a guy who will go out in the cold to bring me Orange Juice and Emergen-C when I am coughing up a lung.

Nyquil gives me dreams that make me wake up feeling sorry for myself. What's that about?

Everyone makes mistakes, right?

This dude was a mistake I made.

So yesterday, when I was lurking the tumblr of some guy I used to know, I saw this: "if mal doesn’t start warming up to me soon, i’m going to have to rethink this. i need a cat that loves me as much as i love him. i’ve had too many one-sided relationships in my life." (Mal is his new 6 month old kitten that he has not even had for 2 weeks.)

I was so upset when I read that that I literally yelled at him through my computer, verbally before typing it out. He claims he was just ranting, but that it a shitty fucking rant to have. This dude is a fucking nightmare, and the fact that I ever, at any point, called him my boyfriend, makes me feel like throwing up a little. I mean, he has posted before that he is always trying to hold it when he goes to bed but that the cat tries to escape but he holds on tighter. It's terrifying. Anyhow: You could say that I had a reaction...

(from my tumblr)

"WHAT KIND OF PUNK-ASS-CHUMP ADOPTS AN ANIMAL FOR COMPANIONSHIP AND THEN, WHEN IT HASN’T EVEN BEEN A MONTH, STARTS “RETHINKING IT” BECAUSE THE ANIMAL ISN’T WILDLY AFFECTIONATE? A PATHETIC, PIECE OF SHIT KIND OF PUNK-ASS-CHUMP. WELL IF THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN HOLD THAT FUCKING CAT FOR MORE THAN 30 SECONDS IS WRAPPING IT IN A TOWEL SO IT CAN’T ESCAPE, NO WONDER IT DOESN’T FUCKING WANT TO BE NEAR YOU, YOU IDIOT.

IF YOU WANT AN ANIMAL AS NEEDY AND PATHETIC AS YOU ARE, YOU SHOULD HAVE ADOPTED A DOG, YOU MORON.

I’m sorry, people who adopt a homeless animal and then give it away again because it’s not exactly what they wanted or thought it would be, belong in the lowest circle of hell."

I haven't typed something like that in all caps since I was like, 14. I was bitching about it all day yesterday. The stupidity is unfathomable to me.

Heatbroken, I Resign

He is right. Rockstars aren't famous for hanging out with their girlfriends.

I need to man up.

Lunch, Coffee, and Denim Couch Memories

We met at the Golden Angel. He showed up. I was expecting him to be a stranger, but his face and his voice were very familiar. I haven't seen him for more than 2 minutes in 3 years. We had a really nice time. He told me about a stack of mix CDs that I had made for him, that he found when he moved back home. We went back to his place so I could see his mom(who wasn't there), and I took pictures of all those CDs, because they were really pretty. I really had an eye for that shit, and I haven't been as good as making those kinds of things, since.

I can report happily, though, that my wounds are all healed. We talked about "us" a little. I told him about how I tend to romanticize our relationship, and he told me that he mostly romanticizes me, as an idea; For him I was wild, and chaos incarnate. He said that I was the alpha-indie kid. That I was doing it before anyone, and while I don't think that's true, for him to say that made me feel good.

It was fine and new and nice to talk but when we went to his house we went to the basement for a brief tour and there they were, the denim couch and love seat where we would sleep for hours. That was my only moment of ache for what we used to have. So all in all, I had a really lovely afternoon.

The only weird that was that I kept saying "Eli" when I meant to say "Spenser" but I think that mostly had to do with the fact that Eli was right in front of me, and I was probably more than a little frazzled.

Anyway, there was absolutely no disappointment. I'm glad it went well.

Also, I haven't had coffee in a while and wham bam it makes me talk fast!

Deactivated My Facebook

I need to get away for a while.