Thursday, August 30, 2007

My Bike

I love to ride my bike
late late at night
when the streets are empty
and are so much more friendly.

when the boys are in their beds
dreams in their heads
about girls who aren't me
yet still i find peace,

on empty empty streets.


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

2nd post today

So, I figured out my problem, with boys, that is. Ready?

When I meet a boy I think I might have a thing for, or who might have a thing for me, I build this elaborate life we are getting ready to live. We will meet each other at our respective (or shared) work(s), and we will hug and exchange sweet nothings. Then we will meet up with some other folks and go bowling, or play games, something a group of 5 or more can all do together. We then, after an exhausting day of happiness and and each other, curl up together and peacefully chat until we both become incoherent and fall asleep. This, is, of course, wonderful. We are both blissfully happy, and we live in a perfect happy little world. We can go on like this forever, this faceless, nameless, really quite non-existent boy and I. So this doesn't happen every time, but I'd be lying if I said it hasn't happened incredibly recently. I always only find myself let down in the end, but still, I can't help this endless building.

When someone new, and different, and seemingly perfect for me in so many ways comes along, who can resist that dream, the thought that this could be the one. This new one, I'd very much like him to be a one. Maybe not the one but a one. He has a lot of qualities I have been looking for, but haven't found, and a lot of qualities I'd like to have myself. Golly. This isn't nearly as serious as I am making it sound. It is just an entirely innocent crush that I have, on a boy. I'd like him to like me, too. Crushes are painful.

In the same way that break-up songs make you feel worse yet some how better, after a break up, love songs do that when you have a crush. It is so painful because this person may not like you or care to even know you, but you have given them all this time, so much time that you think about them while listening to songs you have heard 1,000 times, but somehow, the song is so different, and intense and meaningful when you have a crush. Guh.

Ring. I command you to ring, phone. I am looking at you, telling you to ring. R.I.N.G.

Now. Ring. Seriously.

It's so odd to me that a light going on, and a song by Ben Kweller can make my heart race, because that might mean that he is thinking of me, too.

I am lame.


Corey is...

...done with getting her hopes up. (for now)
...thinking that she should have known better.
...understanding that sometimes, that's just the way it goes.
...considering realistic hopes.
...glad that at least she has new friends.
...tired of being used
...prepared to do great things.
...preparing for a new project.
...registered for college.
...wishing there had been some mention.
...thankful for what she has.
...ready to learn.

those are many many status-es, right now.

I need to stop blogging about boys. There has been not mind fucking with, so, no worries. All is mostly well. After the initial dissapointment, I am recovering well, and quickly.

I am still hoping though, like an IDIOT.

I <3 my job, and Overcomers and Corie. I am happy, I am thankful.


Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Let's be New

I feel refreshed. I like a boy who I don't think will fuck with me, which is comforting in many ways. I should sleep soon. I spent the better part of the evening with Dave and his friends, who are all supremely awesome, I like them a lot. Emily is really cool. So many good things have been happening, and I am enjoying all the gifts God is giving me. I feel so lucky to have found the things I have. I love my job, everyone knows that by now, I'm sure, and I adore my coworkers. I start school soon, which will be exciting.

I know I can't stop saying how happy I am, but it is true. I am so fortunate. All night, I didn't once think about things that bring me down. Dave is really cool.

Eli left today, and I miss him, not too much, but naturally I miss him some. I wish him the best of luck.

I miss Noah, and I want to see him soon. He is a lovely.


Sunday, August 26, 2007

and so ensues...


well, shit. I guess I am not as done with David as previously thought. But I am getting done-r. So, shut up. But I did as Joe, and he said no, but what totally made up for it was meeting someone else. I am so boy-crazy. It is messed UP. Karl Marx. New, and adorable, and fucking shit up.


I need a life.

Friday, August 24, 2007

It turns out, that boredom leads to MAKEOVERS!

so i got all jazzed up and took glamour shots. It was great. I listened to chick rock and was gorgeous. I loved it. I am still loving it. I am so done with Trent and David, and how dismissive they are of me. Perhaps I expect too much. I am beginning to expect nothing. They can both shove it. There is no more decency. Especially on the part of MANkind. I would like to get to know this Joe character, though. Too many boys.

Not enough... Something else.

Well. I am going to go out on a limb tomorrow, and ask Joe if he would like to go to Too Much Light. It should be interesting. I am nervous already. I am sure I will be cool tomorrow though, I like to pretend I am a reallly cool chick when I am around him. I am good at it too. Minus today. Today was emberassing on too many levels to name. Plus I got soaking wet. Awesome.



Tuesday, August 21, 2007

New Tattoo, A Dedication

My newest tattoo is of my cat. I had a cat, named Pearl, who slept with me every night, we slept back to back, and she and I were very much alike in many ways that I will not disclose. I often joked that she was my lesbian lover cat. We got her with Pouncer, and we named her Pearl because she had the coloring of a black pearl, a rich gray.

Anyhow, she and I were very close, and when she knew she was dying (she had cancer) she came to my room, where she knew she was safe, and loved. My mom procrastinated in taking her to the vet, sure that it was nothing, but she wouldn't eat, or drink, and she was in pain. I slept on the floor with her for 2 nights, before she died. I was out with Jon Hollister, the last night of smoking in restaurants in the city, and when I got home, he was with me, my mom told me the vet put her down. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I was devestated. Luckily Jon was still with me, and helped me feel better. Sleeping wasn't the same for a while, but I grew accustomed to the new way.

I had wanted a tattoo of her for a while and I finally got one, I couldn't be more pleased.

Now I can finally sleep with her again, we still even sleep facing different ways... <3

The tattoo itself hurt SO MUCH, because as opposed to my other two tattoos (all line) this was all shading. It was nearly excruciating. It took over 2 hours to complete and when he went back over it with the black ink, where he'd started, I almost started crying, it hurt to bad. The ribcage hurt SO MUCH, but when he was doing her butt, which wasn't on my ribcage, I could barely feel it. I went to Tatu Tattoo, and everyone there was so nice. Eli even actually came with me, which was almost kind of nice of him. I am only saying that because I am mad at him, it was actually really nice of him, considering it must have been really boring for him.

Anyway, I can't stop touching it, and feeling like a part of her is back with me, and I have some of the peace she put into my life back.

I feel so much calmer.


Thursday, August 16, 2007


I just said a nice long prayer, and I haven't felt so light or happy in ages. It feels good, to have faith in something. Maybe not Christ, at least not yet, but to pray to Him felt good.

How odd for me to do that.

I passed beakie's final resting place, and at the time, I said a prayer for him.

I like Sufjan Stevens. And I am excited to see David again.

I miss Zach, who I prayed for also.

I love the bible group I am, Chris and Brooks are wonderful. I love this place.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Well, We'll Always Have Street Corners

I have to say that last night was truly wonderful, in several ways. Apart from all the better late than never was, I haven't ever felt so in the moment. Nothing has felt that real since it was good with Eli. Zach is great, and we have decided that we are a great tragedy, because he is leaving. But he has to go, and while so much of me does not want him to go, there is a part that says it is okay, that he'll be back, and even if he isn't, we had one night, one perfect warm summer night. It was so so wonderful. We saw the staged reading of Single White Female at the Neo-Futurarium and then went to the Golden Nugget for some foods. After eating we returned to the Neo-Futurarium for some good old fashioned Too Much Light and we both got T-Shirts and he helped pay for mine, and wouldn't let me pay him back, even when I tried to pull a Chris Johnson. But after that he drove me home, and right there on the corner, when he dropped me off, and got out to hug me, we kissed. Then I suggested we go into my house and watch a movie or something, and we sat on the couch and watched 2001 Maniacs, we debated on whether or not it was porn, which it IS NOT! Regardless, my heart was racing and I was calm and I felt so happy. Better late than never.

Too Much Light: Incredible. Mary kissed my cheek during Crazy Bitch, and I had the heart swell. There are so many things more worthy of a kiss. I can't not smile when I say, or write, or think about that.

I really like the slow moving. I really liked feeling like a freshman again. Knowing that the only thing to come was infinite kisses. The only real downside was the horrific lack of sleep I have been getting. It was almost painful. But so many good things can really make up for that. Plus I have the day off tomorrow and Tuesday. SLEEP! Yes. Anyway.

I feel like I am walking on clouds.


Friday, August 10, 2007

Inspiration, Finally.

I just got the inclination to draw a woman, she was awkward, with short hair, she is one line, curved and bent and swirled around and it makes one woman. I adore her. She is naked, and I envy her. I am home alone, and will be until Sunday. It takes me back to when Connor was away, my mom working, and I spend so much time here alone. I am trying to decide whether or not I like it. I miss being able to call Eli and have him come over, the routine of it all. I really despise the people he is surrounding himself with. I fear that because he is so eager to please, he will become like them, so much so that he will lose everything about himself that makes him someone great. I suppose that may be why I am so bitter about him drinking and hanging out with such awful girls. It is so typical of a teenage boy to do that, and he deserves and can do better. I pity him, I guess, for becoming so lost.

He won't like that I think that. But I don't really care. He won't think he is lost, but maybe I just think he is lost because he is lost to me. I just miss out bodies being close to each others'.

I have been getting little nicks and blisters on my knuckles. On my thumbs, they are from my bike, on my fingers, I have no idea. My bike and I are really getting acclimated to each other. The biggest problem I seem to have is that it is stuck in a particularly awful gear. I feel like I am getting boatloads of good exercise though. I am hungry. I can already tell I have lost weight, and my legs are stronger. It was weird to sit on the train today. I am so used to my bike seat now, it doesn't even feel weird, and it isn't sore anymore. Although my body is still really sore after so much biking on Claudia's birthday.

I think I am addicted to body modification. I want another tattoo. Desperately. I don't even know what yet, just, something. Anywhere. I don't want to be normal. I told Zach, after we left Eli's party, to murder me if I ever became like those girls. I would rather be dead than ordinary.

I met the guy who told my boss about the conversation I had with Zoe. He was really nice, and I made him tell me something secret about him, and I got his boss's phone number. I am still deciding whether or not to call her. I only know him as Nick, so that could pose as difficult.

I am ready for my septum to be healed. I am also ready to be ready to say goodbye to the boy I loved for so long, and still love.. I just need it to happen.


P.S. Sunshine was the most intense movie I have ever seen, ever, you wouldn't believe it. It is just, breath-taking. Afterward, all you can do is be amazed.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

SO embaressing...

so, i was on the train, minding my own business talking to Zoe; cut to me at work, i am talking to my boss, and she tells me that she had heard some gossip, from someone who saw me on the train, and heard me talking.

Then after my shift (which magically flew by!) Jessy tells me just what my boss knows. And I turn bright red. Because what she knows, is something I wouldn't really care to know about anyone! So. That was weird. But I had a good day. I biked to Eli's in pouring rain, getting there soaked. All of the little blond cookie cutter clones were there, each of them with about as much personality as a sock, and I felt bad, because I was very dismissive of all of them, but they were the same about me. I hate the girls he is surrounding himself with. They are the kind of girls that made my life hell since I was little. The girls that all look the same, that are all conventionally pretty, blond with tanned skin, so it doesn't even matter what their faces look like, they wear the same clothes, they smile really big to your face but as soon as they've turned around they make these awful faces, and cut you to the bone.

I hate those girls.. Why do boys like those girls? Why does Eli, who liked me, like them? Was I an anomaly? Or did I make him swear off girls that are even remotely classy?

That has been on my mind. And it makes me so upset. I think I work with one of these girls. But I suppose she is sweet.

I think maybe I am too judgemental. Too cruel. But aren't they?

I have been listening to This American Life. I love it. I love listening to stories.

I am going to get a tattoo tomorrow. I think. Maybe me an No will get a tattoo.



Saturday, August 4, 2007


I seem to have a very very VERY serious problem with staying awake while I am babysitting at Gunner's house. Something about the children's television shows just knocks me out. It is really rather irritating. At least he doesn't tell on me. But still, I adore that boy, and his friend, who seems to have much better manners than I think Gunner has ever had. Whatever, he is awesome. I am now in the neo-futurarium, on a computer, in the office, and sitting right over on the other side is Dina, who's blog I have read, not regularly, but once or twice. I don't want to tell her, I think she is really cool.

Speaking of neo-futurists. I feel horribly bad for Trent, for putting so much faith into someone who could give two shits about him. When I saw Paris and Julia and someone bald, I might have thought (as a joke) that it could be Dean Evans, but never, in my wildest dreams, did I think a 30 year old man would be hanging out with 17 and 16 year olds. Now that, is a joke, indeed. Although, now that I think of it, he did hang out with Trent, who was wildly mature for his age, in some ways. But Paris and Julia? All I can think to say is What the fucking fuck?

However, this does not trouble me. Few things have been troubling me. and I like it that way. I like my bike, my new tattoo, even if it does look like it says OFT.

So, life is good things. Yes, yes indeed.


Little Kids

I met someone I went to grade school with, he is 3 years older than I am, though, when I was in 2nd grade, he was in 5th. We went to see murder by death. It was funny, very confusing, and interesting, but mostly hilarious. This boy's name is nathan. he cooks. fish. gross.

But regardless, good times were had by all.

I have the busiest day tomorrow.

I nap too much.



Thursday, August 2, 2007

Another tattoo!

That's right, I got another tattoo. It's the one for me and Eli, and I love it. Everyone says it looks like "OFT" so if i ever decided i hate Eli forever and ever, it'll be a quick fix to something like "LOVE OFTEN" or "SOFT"

but i just see a -1 divided by 0.

I love my bike so much. I just keep calling it "my baby" i don't know why i am being so possessive over it.

Yeah. I don't know what to say. I didn't get to say goodbye to david. I don't think i will get to say hello when he comes back, either.



Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Found - Keys

I didn't find my keys, but i found my old keys, and my bike keys, so maybe, just maybe, my bike will still be alive and well at Dominick's. Awesome.

Bike love.

My feet hurt. Chud and I hung out last night, and walked from the south loop, to my house. That was wonderful. Minus my feet KILLING me.

Why do I want 300 on DVD so bad?

<3 co