Excerpts from a 13 year old Corey's blogs

So, I have been reading my old blogs a LOT lately, and I was a serious breed of angsty. Enjoy these tidbits of my brain. These are just highlights. The longer one was edited down.


"people are so weird. i have noticed that. i have grown up in a world much differen than that of which i started. i used to live in a small suburb of atlanta in georgia. then i was here. in this big bad city. all by my lonesome. i guess. i don't hate hannah or graham anymore. i have no right to hate anyone. and no one has a right to hate me. i have never done anything that horrible to anyone. what could i have done? i am just a little girl. i haven't done any of my homework. im going to fail all my classes. and get yelled at. and die. my mother will kill me, if my father doesn't get to me first. i am 13. im not smart. i don't kno everything there is to kno in the world. i can't spell. i cut my hair. i like boys. i like girls. liars go to hell. my four year old half sister told me so. i can walk on gravel with my barefeet. i love to ride horses. i feel like im flying. she is my sister's. but i am the on that loves her. the pony. blondie. she is just like rodeo. my red doberman. she was the most beautiful dog in the world. and she would have- she did everything in the world to make sure i was safe. she bit the cabnit lady. i hate that lady. the horrible wench killed my dog. i should bite her and ask if she would have me put down. i have scars. who am i? just a silly little girl. i am telling you my thoughts and hopes and dreams....what are you thinking? "she must be crazy" i am indeed crazy... all of my friend have at one time talked shit about me behind my back. i am a complainer. i am cold. some of my friend once claimed i didn't exist. i am starting to believe them. whatever happend to amadaues jiminy? or the minkeys? i lost them. in my messy room. can you hear me scream? some one i hold dear to me one said "there is no person worth your tears." i believe that. i am in love with julian drew. i crack my knuckles, i bite my fingernails. i questions things to often. i am a liar. i have alwats lived my life thinking i was inferior to those around me. right now. i am the smartest, sweetest, coolest, most beautiful girl in the world. i can't paint my fingernails. i wish i could be held like a little baby.

my name is corey. i am a girl. i like boys. i like girls. do you have a problem with me? i'm sorry. i am too happy with who i am to care. do you love me? didn't think so...."

Important things to note about that are: my dog bit the woman who designing the kitchen in my dad's new house, because she was very protective of me and my sister and the woman was making my sister shriek because she was tickling her, and so my dog was just being protective. Also, amadeus jiminy and the minkeys were creatures that at 13, I claimed to have lived in my hollowed out right shin. As in, amadeus jiminy was a man that lived in my hollowed out right shin, and the minkeys were like little monkeys that lived with him. Julian Drew was the main character of my favorite book.


Background for this next bit: Danny was my boyfriend, Liz was my best friend and she also like-liked Danny, Graham is my friend. This bit is totally golden.

"no danny today. not even a little. he spent the whole day with liz. graham and i are worried. liz thinks im fucking paranoid. yeah well, i kind of have the right to be if u ask me. i bet danny thinks i don't trust him. well, heres a newsflash for the whole wide world, i trust no one."

I love it. the newsflash "for the whole wide world".

Yes. Win.

Srs.

whenever shit like this happened on xanga i moved on to a new blog.

but i am not 14 anymore.

But if you're interested in me at 14:

I was (am) a loser.

The Truth Is

I am moving on from this. Moving away from the indifference and the silence and not-enough-time.

I am young, and being dragged through this heavy mud with my mouth open and I can taste it, like the day Ferris Bueller was playing at Movies in the park and me and Chud and Claire used the Macy's stadium seating pads to slip and slide in the mud and I thought it would be a great idea to go head first and all that happened was mud and goose shit in my mouth. I almost threw up. I was wet and covered in mud, which is really a great way to be.

Not now, however. I'm sure I won't feel this way forever. I'm sure there will again be lightness and silliness and happiness between us, however, probably not the same kind.

I miss Chris, he is far away in the desert and I am here and lonely for him. Not lonely. I am with people and having fun, but I feel lonely without him. I miss the smell of his apartment and him and you know, it's weird.

I am less and less jealous of Paige. I don't give a shit. Whatever. She has huge tits, and they'll sag, and she is wonderful and effortless and sweet and bubbly and popular and that will probably stay the same but I feel fine with myself.

It also might have a lot to do with how the way I am feeling about John is changing.

I saw Eli last night and it was weird. Weird to look at him and think, at one point, I would have done anything for you, but it didn't go both ways and now you are with some little snotty girl. Really, like, the girl he has been with since he got to college is a total nightmare. I met her once at some show, and tried to be warm and friendly, and without saying a single word she PIVOTED on her heel and walked away. I was totally aghast. I would never behave that way to someone.

I guess it takes someone like John to find someone like Chris.

I appreciate him in a way a probably couldn't have if it weren't for John.

I am in no real hurry to eject John from my life, even in his current role, but I feel really bad because I really like Chris. I adore him. Thoroughly.

John doesn't want me. He wants creativity and work and theater and freedom. I am just an interesting piece of furniture in his crazy life, and I was okay with that for awhile, to be a sidekick, a shadow, an extension, but I am finding that with Chris, I don't need to be lesser to be connected.

John never explicitly made me feel lesser, it's just who he is.

I don't know.

I need to clean.

Oh you,

There is such an empty space when you are gone.

inhale exhale arrivals departures

My brother is home.

We'll see what happens there. He is pretty much here the entire time the Doctor is gone. I miss the Doctor, already. It's only been hours. I am exhausted, and I am probably going to bed soon, but I want to be on Briar.

I have spent more time alone in my life than is preferred, and it has caused me to be very touchy sometimes. As in, sometimes, I want to be alone.

When I am hopelessly tired, aching to sleep, all I want is quiet, and stillness, and warmth.

Irritation is not the same as being smothered. I know that now.

You're not that far away yet, yet.

Oh, Doctor.

Oh, Brother.

Tonight I will sleep like a baby.

Quiet/Transition

When I found myself treasuring the transition, and the quiet, that is when I knew it was time to be alone. Time to be quiet for awhile, and alone. I am so tired, and my body needs a break.

We've been working for a while, and enjoying constant company, me and my body, but now we are alone and ready for a break. A nap, a quiet, no talk, all alone-ness.

Goodnight.

out brain spot feet hurt

Deer Shoe-sock,

You ache and you know me so well.

I might be taking my future into my hands, pretty soon, via a real live man.

I am crushin' pretty hard on someone that isn't John, and is 21, and is funnier than all hell, and makes me feel really pretty, and important. Not that John doesn't make me feel important, because he does, he really does, especially considering all the calls I watch him screen and all the time he spends working, the fact that I see him as often as I do is a Christmas miracle.

But Chris is a different kind of miracle. That may be extreme. It is. He is new, and exciting, and I really want him to stay that way.

I find a lot of the same ease with him as I do with John.

I just love talking to him.

All my cards are on the table.

I don't know what to do.

I have never been so torn. I feel like I am leaning one way, but patterns tell me other things will happen.

I don't want to believe in patterns.

I want to believe in happy things, like this moment, when my heart explodes with light and silliness.

Today was an INCREDIBLE day.

work til 7, LOST, The Forgotten, Train, Bus, Funny Games

This is my favorite pair of pants, and one of my favorite shirts.

My nails are painted teal with blue and green glitter on top.

I have section by section, straightened my hair.

I need a haircut. Everyone is saying my hair looks long. My hair isn't long, but if it looks it, it means it's too long.

My bed is a shelf, and I need to clean.

I am going to watch the german version of Funny Games tonight. I love the remake, and it's shot for shot, so, that should be interesting.

I don't know what else to say.

If warm-fuzzies were rabbits, mine have turned rabid and bred like...rabbits...

crushcrushcrush.

I have to go to work.

New Number

Among many things, having a new cell phone number means that whenever I have to give someone my number, they won't think I'm from Michigan, which is not where I am from, but where my dad got the phone.

Now they'll think I am from Gerogia, which is at least some place I have actually lived.

Instincts, Guts, Heart, It's All The Same, and I Go with Them All

It was not logic, or my sense of reason, or my over-abundance of quarters that got me through the turn style and onto the train that carried me to my crying best friend in the basement of her house when I was 16.

It went like this, I called her, to see what she was doing that night.

Her: (audibly crying*) Hello?
Me: Hey? Are you okay?
Her: (between sobs** and halfheartedly) Yeah...
Me: DO YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER?!
Her: If you can.

*This is the second time ever, in 10 years at that point, I had ever seen/heard her crying.
**CRYING! She never cried, I cry. My heart was racing.

At that point I put on pants and gathered my quarters and ran to the Diversey Brownline and got on and waited again at Belmont for a redline and as soon as the doors of the redline closed, I burst into tears.

A middle-aged woman: Are you okay, dear?
Me: (through tears, and nearly shouting) MY BEST FRIEND NEEDS ME!

When I got there I found out the trouble had been a fight with her mom, and I think later that night we cut and dyed our hair for the first of what would amount to many times.

I am maternal- not in the way that I am ready for babies, because I am not, at all, ready for babies. I am not with the man I want to be with forever, I am still younger than young and I am not setting any long-term plans.

But I am a hugger. I am a nurturer. Come into my house and you can be assured I will offer you my last slice of pizza, my last sip of pop, anything, for you. I care endlessly, mercilessly. It can be troublesome.

Also, I am mostly levelheaded. I have about zilch will-power, and just this side of none self-control, but I try to be logical, and reasonable. That being said, I am also certifiably boy-crazy.

Right now, it is mostly one boy in particular. I mean, he is more of a guy, and then there is the man that I have been with for 2 years and that's where my guts are confused.

I think it's my guts that wake me up in a fit every morning lately. I shoot up to a sitting position in bed, I am sweating and disoriented. Maybe it's because I have a touch of a cold, or maybe because I am totally smitten with a man more than twice my age, and also feel this strange undeniable spark with someone new, and different, and my age. The age thing doesn't bother me. Neither of the ages. They are just different men.

I feel so childish in my double-standard with my relationship, though. I mean, I feel fine with myself filled with warm-fuzzies for someone I am only starting to get to know, but the idea that John might be even vaguely interested in someone else, chews at my fingertips. Not for long though, because I remember that this is for now. John is what I want, and what I need right now, and he has said that at least now and for the foreseeable not-too-long-term future, he wants to be with me, and that is beyond okay, straight over to ideal. I enjoy John now, as in, the immediate present and in the upcoming months, probably some years, but there is no way he is the person I want to be with forever. He is distant, and his priority is his work, and my forever will not see life that way. John doesn't want a forever with anyone but himself and his work, which I figure is plenty respectable. Plus, if I set my sights on 'til deaths with this man, I know I would be left drowning in his wake.

I actually feel a great security in that we aren't going anywhere. It's easy, it's safe. There are no expectations on either side, and it's made for very little, if any fighting, ever, and pretty much the easiest, most stress-less relationship I have ever been in.

Of course I love him. I am a lover.

And he doesn't need to love me, because that isn't what this is about.

This is about guts, so I have colossally digressed, but I am sitting in his room, in my favorite chair, the chair that he gave me, and he is presumably asleep in bed, and I have a lot on my mind, and my gut is getting smaller.

This is already too long.

I'll hug pretty much anyone who asks, and at 3:43, at this exact moment, in my house dress and barefeet and minor congestion, I almost even want to hug you. I respect your position, and can see in him what can leave behind such devastation that takes a lot of time, if it can at all be repaired. I understand, but I don't think I'll ever know exactly. You will never get what you need or want out of him, and he will never love me, because he is an asshole, and an idiot, this I can see even through the rose colored glasses.

But none the less, for now, I adore him.

And now my gut just wants to curl up in bed, and sleep until Tuesday.