The Truth Is

I am moving on from this. Moving away from the indifference and the silence and not-enough-time.

I am young, and being dragged through this heavy mud with my mouth open and I can taste it, like the day Ferris Bueller was playing at Movies in the park and me and Chud and Claire used the Macy's stadium seating pads to slip and slide in the mud and I thought it would be a great idea to go head first and all that happened was mud and goose shit in my mouth. I almost threw up. I was wet and covered in mud, which is really a great way to be.

Not now, however. I'm sure I won't feel this way forever. I'm sure there will again be lightness and silliness and happiness between us, however, probably not the same kind.

I miss Chris, he is far away in the desert and I am here and lonely for him. Not lonely. I am with people and having fun, but I feel lonely without him. I miss the smell of his apartment and him and you know, it's weird.

I am less and less jealous of Paige. I don't give a shit. Whatever. She has huge tits, and they'll sag, and she is wonderful and effortless and sweet and bubbly and popular and that will probably stay the same but I feel fine with myself.

It also might have a lot to do with how the way I am feeling about John is changing.

I saw Eli last night and it was weird. Weird to look at him and think, at one point, I would have done anything for you, but it didn't go both ways and now you are with some little snotty girl. Really, like, the girl he has been with since he got to college is a total nightmare. I met her once at some show, and tried to be warm and friendly, and without saying a single word she PIVOTED on her heel and walked away. I was totally aghast. I would never behave that way to someone.

I guess it takes someone like John to find someone like Chris.

I appreciate him in a way a probably couldn't have if it weren't for John.

I am in no real hurry to eject John from my life, even in his current role, but I feel really bad because I really like Chris. I adore him. Thoroughly.

John doesn't want me. He wants creativity and work and theater and freedom. I am just an interesting piece of furniture in his crazy life, and I was okay with that for awhile, to be a sidekick, a shadow, an extension, but I am finding that with Chris, I don't need to be lesser to be connected.

John never explicitly made me feel lesser, it's just who he is.

I don't know.

I need to clean.

Oh you,

There is such an empty space when you are gone.