Tuesday, December 11, 2007


I really like talking to Michael. I really like that he talks to me, too. I like that I feel like I know things about him that not other people know. It's cool. In any case. It was nice to know that my suspicions of Dave and Jeremy putting their friends from home on a pedestal was correct. I wish I could remember how "great " high school was. but it wasn't. It was awful, and I can thank a lot of people for that. Even people I know and love and hold dear. Talking to Michael today made me thing a lot about that. And about some stupid poem I wrote. About how I was never invited to things, and how I am so easy to forget. I really like though that I have found my niche in Savor, that people remember me, and come to talk to me, and are really sweet to me. Like Potterton, and all the other regulars.

I didn't write about how it felt to open on a weekday, but it was amazing. Awesome. It was so different from any other shift I had ever worked. I liked it so much more than opening on Sunday. It was so much more enjoyable. The people, the quiet. I am sure that it isn't typically like that on a weekday morning, but that quiet morning-ness of it all was breathtaking. I am kind of mad that I went and slept all day. I wish I had stayed, and kept that day and made it mine. I feel like I am robbing myself of days I will wish I had later in my life. Like that myspace blog post from probably last year where I spent all day asleep, in bed, and felt absolutely shitty for wasting it.

As per the usual, I miss Trent. Or really more so that week in that tiny little house. It was so nice and perfect in about as many ways as I could imagine.

I say that I miss a lot.

Maybe I don't

Thursday, November 8, 2007

i always knew

blahhhhhh. i feel gross and sad and blech and i don't know why and i do not want to feel this way. at all.

i want to cry.

now all i need is a reason.

i hope i never get one.


Wednesday, October 31, 2007

A new beginning, finally.

I went through all the stuff, all the pictures, everything, I took everything out of the box, and read it, and appreciated it, and let it go. I loved Eli, so much. He put so many good things in my life, and I am who I am because he loved me, and because I loved him. I didn't cry, and I didn't want to be with him again, I just remembered the good, and had good hopes for the future.

At least for now, the present, holds Dave. He is absolutely incredible, and I haven't ever wanted to make someone smile more. The way he smiles and laughs makes me feel so good. I just adore being around him, and he lights me up. He has a handlebar mustache for halloween, and he is just the cutest boy I have ever known, and his sense of humor and his sweet smile, and almost everything about who he is entirely compliments the way I am. I feel like that 2nd grade girl who sees a boy in 5th grade who is so cute and so out of her league, and then one day he says hi. Thats the way I feel when I am around him.

so, here's to old things, and new beginnings, I hope they stay. <3


Wednesday, October 24, 2007


I am one.

So are you.

If you're a velociraptor, I'm a velociraptor.


Just kidding. MmmModernEnglish.

So. Dave. What's up? You aren't reading my blog as a type. That's cool.


I got nothin. Sorta.


Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Someone I've Never Met

But I have been thinking about semi-regularly. I don't know.

I just found my livejournal.

I used to be weird.


I am going downtown tomorrow if it kills me.


Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Where does the good go?

So I am in this situation, that sometimes, I like a lot more than others. I don't like being a secret. At all. Like, not even a little bit. It's not something I find thrilling, or exciting, or sweet. It makes me feel like I am something to be ashamed of, which I most certainly am not. At all. Seriously.

So. Fuck that.

Tomorrow I am going to get all schnazzed up, and go shopping downtown.

It will be good.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

Just kidding.

I am itchy. And hungry. so. hungry.


that is all.


Monday, September 24, 2007


I console myself with the loudest music I can find. The angriest, or saddest, or most FUCK YOU IN THE EYE kind of music. Not fuck in an angry way. Fuck in an empowering way. You know?

I like it though. I like rocking out and what not. It feels good.

More later, I promise.


What the hell Aidan Sigman?

You used to be smart.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Ice Ice

So this thing happens to me, whenever I make myself remotely vulnerable, but then shot down, I go cold. It can be a good thing, but I don't like it when I end up listening to songs like "Lover I don't have to Love" by bright eyes. that is not how I want to feel. I want to love and be loved, and I am so tired of being taken for granted. I recently got spectacular advice from an unnamed source, that I am going to do my damnedest to follow. This source has yet to lead me astray. Anyway.

It's this horrible murki-ness, and I loathe it. I miss my old familiar friends. I saw Nick Aszling today, which was a lovely trip. I did a run and jump hug which felt great, because he didn't get all weird. I like that. He is moving back to chicago. Maybe I will see more of him. Maybe then I will also see more of Zoe. I miss the twins, and last summer, and I am sure I have said that before, but I can't stop thinking of doing nothing but bake with Aidan and Zoe all night and I miss Chaucer. I even miss Alex.

I want to fall down.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Poster of a Girl

I can't sleep. It's starting to get annoying. So for the time being, I am going to listen to the Across the Universe soundtrack. Mmm. Love songs, they all remind me of smiling.

I really am debating how much I like the Evan Rachel Wood version of Blackbird.

I have not much else to say, other than I loved spending time with my mom today. and I am not looking forward to class tomorrow.

I feel like just a baby,
Portrait of a lady,
Poster of a girl.

Metric, is good.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Akward Turtle

We are alone in this room, and it's weird, because you know whats going on, and I know you don't like me, and it's really a shame. I wish we could bond over something, and being my friend would be so worthwhile, that you would forget that I like your boyfriend, and I would feel so bad about liking him that I couldn't anymore. Of course, this is a mild exaggeration, but you ought to know, I respect you, and that he's yours. Sers.

Also, the complete lack of everyone I used to know is really sinking in. I want to see Claudia, or Fuzz, but they aren't home, and Fuzz turned into something dumb. I miss him a lot, I miss our summer. Yes indeed.

I miss last summer, not to say that I am not entirely enjoying this one, but really, I miss Sarah and cutting tile, and Eli, and sleeping over with the Twins, and chocolate chip banana bread and brownies that aren't quite cooked enough, but cooked just enough that when you dip them in a glass of milk, they are wonderful and heart meltingly good. I want to do that right now. I wonder if anyone would be up for it. Probably not. Fuck them.

No, just kidding. But maybe soon. That sounds so good though, my mouth is watering just thinking about it. I miss playing the piano, and singing, I miss letting my hands dance gracefull across a keyboard, floating, yes, I miss that a lot.

I miss CAMP, and I miss Fuji, and Shiloh and Mariners. I want to be at camp, and with Munkh or anyone else I know. I want something familiar.

And I'd like to talk about this with my new friends, but that might be awkward.

*awkward turtle*


Friday, September 14, 2007

Why am I so mood swing-y?

I don't know. But I don't like it. I don't like the walking on clouds feeling that somehow swoops down into a really lousy melancholy. I also am not excited to clean my room. I just need to get to it. I have to throw out all my glass bottles and stuff. I am not going to collect big stuff any more. I just am kind of mad at myself. I am going to clean now.

Could I be more vague?



Thursday, September 13, 2007

I am this many.

So. Yes. I am at Savor. Today I worked hard for the money, and tried to get a lot of things done, and got a lot more done than I thought I could initially. That was good. It was Geri's birthday, but she was sick, and I forgot her card and gift at home, and I wish I could have had it, because she is going on a vacation and what not. Yeah. Well.

I was trying to be serious and cool and whatever, but then I was just looking up and someone caught my eye and "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz came on my iTunes. Yeah, so, it didn't work out so well, the whole looking cool stuff. "I won't hesitate no more.." Man, this is a SONG. A good one, too.

I can't stop smiling. I like it a lot. I feel all crappy and sick but not too crappy and sick to smile and have a crush on someone. I keep imagining these perfect moments, that play out in there entirety and then I come to and realize they haven't happened at all. Wow. Blackbird just came on.

iTunes, you devil, you know me too well. <3


Tuesday, September 11, 2007


I am understanding. I know why my mom is crazy sometimes, I just wish she wouldn't be. It is annoying. I have been cleaning. I hate my room, I need to keep it clean. Anyone who feels like helping me organize would be mucho appreciated. I have 4 full garbage bags, and still, garbage, everywhere. It it awful. I'd still like some happy clutter, but I don't want to have to dig for things. I am so sick.

I cannot wait for group tonight. Absolutely cannot wait. I am so excited to be back there. I am hungry and ready to talk about God. I forgot to write about one of the best conversations I have had in my life, that I meant to write about it my bike blog, but whatever. Ted and I had the most extraordinary talk about God, while riding our bikes back from Corie's party. It made me feel closer to God. Riding a bike in general makes me feel closer to God. Speeding down hills really does it for me.

I feel troublesome. I miss Joe.

I miss Eli. I wish I was well.


Hey Jeremy

You are sitting next to me. I think you are neat.


Monday, September 10, 2007


4 laptops. Er... 3. Same room, pretttttty much next to each other.

Merp. I am rerp.

the end.


Saturday, September 8, 2007

Should have known

Trent is a jerk.


I won't get to see him.

I should have gone to St. Charles, with Boy.


Friday, September 7, 2007


I have never in my life had an experience so beautiful and scary and sad. Fools was beautiful.

My heart is beating differently.


p.s. it's okay.

Thursday, September 6, 2007


I missed you, computer, you poor dear. I know I have been ignoring you. My poor blog, all my other stuff. I have a lot to say, but little-to-no time to say it in. There are so many new great things in my life, and I am so happy to have them all. Mostly my new friends.

Cast of Characters:

Dave - We work together, he has a great sense of humor, is very tall. When we are walking, or I am walking and he is biking, we have some pretty good talks.
Jeremy - Probably who I get along with the best at this point, he is an artist, like me, and we talk about public art, and other things. We actually have some of the best talks I have had with anyone in a while. He is a bike fiend, and the artist part really gets me excited for all the cool stuff we can do.
Boy - Also known as Michael, we have decided to go by Boy and Girl toward each other. He likes the pumpkins, and if you know me, that should really be enough said. But apart from that he has incredibly intriguing mannerisms.
Emily - Apart from being Jeremy's girlfriend, she is a fellow redhead. Of everyone, I have probably been around her the least, but she is extra sweet with a side of cool, and it's wonderful to have a lady around.

Things I love about my new friends?

1. They are all substance free. We get our kicks in other ways, like enjoying each other's company and playing games, cooking, its amazing.
2. They all have a really cool taste in music, in some cases, it varies from my own, but I haven't heard anything play that I don't like. Of course I like Boy's taste in music the most, him being a Pumpkin's fan and all, but yeah.
3. They all are interesting, in different ways. Jeremy's interest in art has been really inspiring for me to be around.
4. We have really good talks, probably Jeremy and I have the most, but I have had some cool talks with Dave and Boy, too.
5. They live so so close to me. That is one of my favorite things, because I like being able to walk anywhere. Half a block away is mucho convenient.
6. They never kick me out. Which is why I have been missing you so much, laptop.

So, there is more, I am sure of it, but whatever. I am lazy.

Well. Time for Fools.


Tuesday, September 4, 2007

Magic 8

The one at Savor is always right, no matter what. Always. I hope.

Hope Schmope.

When I thought last night, and this morning in the shower, about all the things I wanted to write, there were so many things.

Turns out, notsomuch.

Last night, Boy played the guitar and Dave, he and I sang. Dave also played the guitar, and we sang. It was fabulous. I forgot how much I love to sing.


Saturday, September 1, 2007


I need courage. I need to be able to stand up as tall as I can and say, "You there!" and then a bunch of other stuff.

But I need a sign first, that it is okay to do that. I really need to have the sign first.

kay? So, get on it, give me a sign.



I look fucking gorgeous.



The Long Night

To be perfectly honest, I don't exactly remember how it began. I remember that Jeremy and Emily wanted to watch Casino Royale, I had to pick up my bike, and that Dave and I wanted Dairy Queen. In any case, Dave and I ended up at Dairy Queen, and we got to ride our bikes through drunken Wrigleyville. There was pizza, and good times were had by most. We then decided our next stop should be the beach. Which was by far, one of the most fun times I have had this summer. We kicked the waves asses, and got soaked. We also found treasure. That was cool. After that we went to our respective homes and got clean and dry, then went to the golden apple. All in all, we were up until 7-ish and it was incredible. I had been wanting to do that all summer.

Tonight Dave and Sam and I went to Too Much Light. I wrote a lot of something else, but deleted it, because Sam is really cool, and I had a lot of fun. She is adorable, and tall. Tall.. I wish I were tall. Dave is TOO tall. But during True Confessions, which he knew what was coming, he looked like he was having a lot of fun. I hope Sam liked TML too.

Jeremy, I have discovered, is also quite pleasant. But I am still hung up on other things.

I feel like an idiot. I am tired, and melodramatic.

Song of the moment, Calender Girl, by Stars


Thursday, August 30, 2007

My Bike

I love to ride my bike
late late at night
when the streets are empty
and are so much more friendly.

when the boys are in their beds
dreams in their heads
about girls who aren't me
yet still i find peace,

on empty empty streets.


Wednesday, August 29, 2007

2nd post today

So, I figured out my problem, with boys, that is. Ready?

When I meet a boy I think I might have a thing for, or who might have a thing for me, I build this elaborate life we are getting ready to live. We will meet each other at our respective (or shared) work(s), and we will hug and exchange sweet nothings. Then we will meet up with some other folks and go bowling, or play games, something a group of 5 or more can all do together. We then, after an exhausting day of happiness and and each other, curl up together and peacefully chat until we both become incoherent and fall asleep. This, is, of course, wonderful. We are both blissfully happy, and we live in a perfect happy little world. We can go on like this forever, this faceless, nameless, really quite non-existent boy and I. So this doesn't happen every time, but I'd be lying if I said it hasn't happened incredibly recently. I always only find myself let down in the end, but still, I can't help this endless building.

When someone new, and different, and seemingly perfect for me in so many ways comes along, who can resist that dream, the thought that this could be the one. This new one, I'd very much like him to be a one. Maybe not the one but a one. He has a lot of qualities I have been looking for, but haven't found, and a lot of qualities I'd like to have myself. Golly. This isn't nearly as serious as I am making it sound. It is just an entirely innocent crush that I have, on a boy. I'd like him to like me, too. Crushes are painful.

In the same way that break-up songs make you feel worse yet some how better, after a break up, love songs do that when you have a crush. It is so painful because this person may not like you or care to even know you, but you have given them all this time, so much time that you think about them while listening to songs you have heard 1,000 times, but somehow, the song is so different, and intense and meaningful when you have a crush. Guh.

Ring. I command you to ring, phone. I am looking at you, telling you to ring. R.I.N.G.

Now. Ring. Seriously.

It's so odd to me that a light going on, and a song by Ben Kweller can make my heart race, because that might mean that he is thinking of me, too.

I am lame.


Corey is...

...done with getting her hopes up. (for now)
...thinking that she should have known better.
...understanding that sometimes, that's just the way it goes.
...considering realistic hopes.
...glad that at least she has new friends.
...tired of being used
...prepared to do great things.
...preparing for a new project.
...registered for college.
...wishing there had been some mention.
...thankful for what she has.
...ready to learn.

those are many many status-es, right now.

I need to stop blogging about boys. There has been not mind fucking with, so, no worries. All is mostly well. After the initial dissapointment, I am recovering well, and quickly.

I am still hoping though, like an IDIOT.

I <3 my job, and Overcomers and Corie. I am happy, I am thankful.


Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Let's be New

I feel refreshed. I like a boy who I don't think will fuck with me, which is comforting in many ways. I should sleep soon. I spent the better part of the evening with Dave and his friends, who are all supremely awesome, I like them a lot. Emily is really cool. So many good things have been happening, and I am enjoying all the gifts God is giving me. I feel so lucky to have found the things I have. I love my job, everyone knows that by now, I'm sure, and I adore my coworkers. I start school soon, which will be exciting.

I know I can't stop saying how happy I am, but it is true. I am so fortunate. All night, I didn't once think about things that bring me down. Dave is really cool.

Eli left today, and I miss him, not too much, but naturally I miss him some. I wish him the best of luck.

I miss Noah, and I want to see him soon. He is a lovely.


Sunday, August 26, 2007

and so ensues...


well, shit. I guess I am not as done with David as previously thought. But I am getting done-r. So, shut up. But I did as Joe, and he said no, but what totally made up for it was meeting someone else. I am so boy-crazy. It is messed UP. Karl Marx. New, and adorable, and fucking shit up.


I need a life.

Friday, August 24, 2007

It turns out, that boredom leads to MAKEOVERS!

so i got all jazzed up and took glamour shots. It was great. I listened to chick rock and was gorgeous. I loved it. I am still loving it. I am so done with Trent and David, and how dismissive they are of me. Perhaps I expect too much. I am beginning to expect nothing. They can both shove it. There is no more decency. Especially on the part of MANkind. I would like to get to know this Joe character, though. Too many boys.

Not enough... Something else.

Well. I am going to go out on a limb tomorrow, and ask Joe if he would like to go to Too Much Light. It should be interesting. I am nervous already. I am sure I will be cool tomorrow though, I like to pretend I am a reallly cool chick when I am around him. I am good at it too. Minus today. Today was emberassing on too many levels to name. Plus I got soaking wet. Awesome.



Tuesday, August 21, 2007

New Tattoo, A Dedication

My newest tattoo is of my cat. I had a cat, named Pearl, who slept with me every night, we slept back to back, and she and I were very much alike in many ways that I will not disclose. I often joked that she was my lesbian lover cat. We got her with Pouncer, and we named her Pearl because she had the coloring of a black pearl, a rich gray.

Anyhow, she and I were very close, and when she knew she was dying (she had cancer) she came to my room, where she knew she was safe, and loved. My mom procrastinated in taking her to the vet, sure that it was nothing, but she wouldn't eat, or drink, and she was in pain. I slept on the floor with her for 2 nights, before she died. I was out with Jon Hollister, the last night of smoking in restaurants in the city, and when I got home, he was with me, my mom told me the vet put her down. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I was devestated. Luckily Jon was still with me, and helped me feel better. Sleeping wasn't the same for a while, but I grew accustomed to the new way.

I had wanted a tattoo of her for a while and I finally got one, I couldn't be more pleased.

Now I can finally sleep with her again, we still even sleep facing different ways... <3

The tattoo itself hurt SO MUCH, because as opposed to my other two tattoos (all line) this was all shading. It was nearly excruciating. It took over 2 hours to complete and when he went back over it with the black ink, where he'd started, I almost started crying, it hurt to bad. The ribcage hurt SO MUCH, but when he was doing her butt, which wasn't on my ribcage, I could barely feel it. I went to Tatu Tattoo, and everyone there was so nice. Eli even actually came with me, which was almost kind of nice of him. I am only saying that because I am mad at him, it was actually really nice of him, considering it must have been really boring for him.

Anyway, I can't stop touching it, and feeling like a part of her is back with me, and I have some of the peace she put into my life back.

I feel so much calmer.


Thursday, August 16, 2007


I just said a nice long prayer, and I haven't felt so light or happy in ages. It feels good, to have faith in something. Maybe not Christ, at least not yet, but to pray to Him felt good.

How odd for me to do that.

I passed beakie's final resting place, and at the time, I said a prayer for him.

I like Sufjan Stevens. And I am excited to see David again.

I miss Zach, who I prayed for also.

I love the bible group I am, Chris and Brooks are wonderful. I love this place.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Well, We'll Always Have Street Corners

I have to say that last night was truly wonderful, in several ways. Apart from all the better late than never was, I haven't ever felt so in the moment. Nothing has felt that real since it was good with Eli. Zach is great, and we have decided that we are a great tragedy, because he is leaving. But he has to go, and while so much of me does not want him to go, there is a part that says it is okay, that he'll be back, and even if he isn't, we had one night, one perfect warm summer night. It was so so wonderful. We saw the staged reading of Single White Female at the Neo-Futurarium and then went to the Golden Nugget for some foods. After eating we returned to the Neo-Futurarium for some good old fashioned Too Much Light and we both got T-Shirts and he helped pay for mine, and wouldn't let me pay him back, even when I tried to pull a Chris Johnson. But after that he drove me home, and right there on the corner, when he dropped me off, and got out to hug me, we kissed. Then I suggested we go into my house and watch a movie or something, and we sat on the couch and watched 2001 Maniacs, we debated on whether or not it was porn, which it IS NOT! Regardless, my heart was racing and I was calm and I felt so happy. Better late than never.

Too Much Light: Incredible. Mary kissed my cheek during Crazy Bitch, and I had the heart swell. There are so many things more worthy of a kiss. I can't not smile when I say, or write, or think about that.

I really like the slow moving. I really liked feeling like a freshman again. Knowing that the only thing to come was infinite kisses. The only real downside was the horrific lack of sleep I have been getting. It was almost painful. But so many good things can really make up for that. Plus I have the day off tomorrow and Tuesday. SLEEP! Yes. Anyway.

I feel like I am walking on clouds.


Friday, August 10, 2007

Inspiration, Finally.

I just got the inclination to draw a woman, she was awkward, with short hair, she is one line, curved and bent and swirled around and it makes one woman. I adore her. She is naked, and I envy her. I am home alone, and will be until Sunday. It takes me back to when Connor was away, my mom working, and I spend so much time here alone. I am trying to decide whether or not I like it. I miss being able to call Eli and have him come over, the routine of it all. I really despise the people he is surrounding himself with. I fear that because he is so eager to please, he will become like them, so much so that he will lose everything about himself that makes him someone great. I suppose that may be why I am so bitter about him drinking and hanging out with such awful girls. It is so typical of a teenage boy to do that, and he deserves and can do better. I pity him, I guess, for becoming so lost.

He won't like that I think that. But I don't really care. He won't think he is lost, but maybe I just think he is lost because he is lost to me. I just miss out bodies being close to each others'.

I have been getting little nicks and blisters on my knuckles. On my thumbs, they are from my bike, on my fingers, I have no idea. My bike and I are really getting acclimated to each other. The biggest problem I seem to have is that it is stuck in a particularly awful gear. I feel like I am getting boatloads of good exercise though. I am hungry. I can already tell I have lost weight, and my legs are stronger. It was weird to sit on the train today. I am so used to my bike seat now, it doesn't even feel weird, and it isn't sore anymore. Although my body is still really sore after so much biking on Claudia's birthday.

I think I am addicted to body modification. I want another tattoo. Desperately. I don't even know what yet, just, something. Anywhere. I don't want to be normal. I told Zach, after we left Eli's party, to murder me if I ever became like those girls. I would rather be dead than ordinary.

I met the guy who told my boss about the conversation I had with Zoe. He was really nice, and I made him tell me something secret about him, and I got his boss's phone number. I am still deciding whether or not to call her. I only know him as Nick, so that could pose as difficult.

I am ready for my septum to be healed. I am also ready to be ready to say goodbye to the boy I loved for so long, and still love.. I just need it to happen.


P.S. Sunshine was the most intense movie I have ever seen, ever, you wouldn't believe it. It is just, breath-taking. Afterward, all you can do is be amazed.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

SO embaressing...

so, i was on the train, minding my own business talking to Zoe; cut to me at work, i am talking to my boss, and she tells me that she had heard some gossip, from someone who saw me on the train, and heard me talking.

Then after my shift (which magically flew by!) Jessy tells me just what my boss knows. And I turn bright red. Because what she knows, is something I wouldn't really care to know about anyone! So. That was weird. But I had a good day. I biked to Eli's in pouring rain, getting there soaked. All of the little blond cookie cutter clones were there, each of them with about as much personality as a sock, and I felt bad, because I was very dismissive of all of them, but they were the same about me. I hate the girls he is surrounding himself with. They are the kind of girls that made my life hell since I was little. The girls that all look the same, that are all conventionally pretty, blond with tanned skin, so it doesn't even matter what their faces look like, they wear the same clothes, they smile really big to your face but as soon as they've turned around they make these awful faces, and cut you to the bone.

I hate those girls.. Why do boys like those girls? Why does Eli, who liked me, like them? Was I an anomaly? Or did I make him swear off girls that are even remotely classy?

That has been on my mind. And it makes me so upset. I think I work with one of these girls. But I suppose she is sweet.

I think maybe I am too judgemental. Too cruel. But aren't they?

I have been listening to This American Life. I love it. I love listening to stories.

I am going to get a tattoo tomorrow. I think. Maybe me an No will get a tattoo.



Saturday, August 4, 2007


I seem to have a very very VERY serious problem with staying awake while I am babysitting at Gunner's house. Something about the children's television shows just knocks me out. It is really rather irritating. At least he doesn't tell on me. But still, I adore that boy, and his friend, who seems to have much better manners than I think Gunner has ever had. Whatever, he is awesome. I am now in the neo-futurarium, on a computer, in the office, and sitting right over on the other side is Dina, who's blog I have read, not regularly, but once or twice. I don't want to tell her, I think she is really cool.

Speaking of neo-futurists. I feel horribly bad for Trent, for putting so much faith into someone who could give two shits about him. When I saw Paris and Julia and someone bald, I might have thought (as a joke) that it could be Dean Evans, but never, in my wildest dreams, did I think a 30 year old man would be hanging out with 17 and 16 year olds. Now that, is a joke, indeed. Although, now that I think of it, he did hang out with Trent, who was wildly mature for his age, in some ways. But Paris and Julia? All I can think to say is What the fucking fuck?

However, this does not trouble me. Few things have been troubling me. and I like it that way. I like my bike, my new tattoo, even if it does look like it says OFT.

So, life is good things. Yes, yes indeed.


Little Kids

I met someone I went to grade school with, he is 3 years older than I am, though, when I was in 2nd grade, he was in 5th. We went to see murder by death. It was funny, very confusing, and interesting, but mostly hilarious. This boy's name is nathan. he cooks. fish. gross.

But regardless, good times were had by all.

I have the busiest day tomorrow.

I nap too much.



Thursday, August 2, 2007

Another tattoo!

That's right, I got another tattoo. It's the one for me and Eli, and I love it. Everyone says it looks like "OFT" so if i ever decided i hate Eli forever and ever, it'll be a quick fix to something like "LOVE OFTEN" or "SOFT"

but i just see a -1 divided by 0.

I love my bike so much. I just keep calling it "my baby" i don't know why i am being so possessive over it.

Yeah. I don't know what to say. I didn't get to say goodbye to david. I don't think i will get to say hello when he comes back, either.



Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Found - Keys

I didn't find my keys, but i found my old keys, and my bike keys, so maybe, just maybe, my bike will still be alive and well at Dominick's. Awesome.

Bike love.

My feet hurt. Chud and I hung out last night, and walked from the south loop, to my house. That was wonderful. Minus my feet KILLING me.

Why do I want 300 on DVD so bad?

<3 co

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

New Bike

i bought a bike. it is blue. it belonged to Trent, and now it belongs to me. It is my bike.

i don't know my bike's name yet, i will soon. awesome.

new bikes are cool.


I lowered the seat but it is still kind of tall. Anyway I can make it shorter?

Monday, July 30, 2007

This American Life

Maria Gaspar told me a hundred times to listen to This American Life, and now I am.

Listening, and watching. It's so amazing. Everything is so fucking real. Honesty and real life. I love it. There was a story about a boy who didn't believe in love: this 14 year old boy, who doesn't love and is 100% sure he never will. He doesn't want all that pain and anguish that comes with it. Eli didn't want it either, and I am tempted to ask him whether or not it was worth it, whether it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I still love him so much. I just want him to be happy, no matter what.

But on to newer things:

I like him, this David boy. It's fucking ridiculous. I miss liking Dean, who was so out of my league it was insane. But David, I think, is wonderful, and I can't seem to get enough of him. And then there's Trent. Who I adore, but is leaving soon, and I wish he was more, who he was when I met him.. He shouldn't smoke and drink. If I could see that same enthusiasm that he had the night we met, it'd be so different.. I don't know how to tell him just how much into David I am. I don't want him to hurt. I want to protect him from really terrible things, I want him to be pristine and wonderful and I want to save these gorgeous images and clips of him in my head. Like the first time I saw him, sitting in the neo-futurist office, looking up at me from the computer, and then hearing him say "Because Trent is big." (To my getting him a "Trent-size" towel.) That's what I want to remember. Not a drunk or smoking Trent. David though, is so bright. Absolutely downright jovial at times. I love that about him him. But what weirded me out the most was when he was sad, I would have done absolutely ANYTHING to make him happy again. I feel the same way about Trent, at times. I want them to be happy, all the time, and it scares me that they won't always be.

Happiness. This seems to be a theme of this post...

I am pretty happy right now. After driving around with Matt Insley, and then going cosmic bowling, just the two of us. I know him a little better, and like him a little more. He is a really good person. And we have almost identical bowling skills. That was probably the best part. There we high-fives, at knocking down even only 1 pin, because that became a good number after a few hard core gutter-balls. While bowling, Trent texted me, with a request, or maybe even just a statement, for my presence at his house, but honestly, I was so much happier bowling with Matt than I probably would have been over there. So Matt saved me.

Men have been saving me a lot, lately.

Jay, the grilled cheese and orange soda knight, who brightens long days.
Matt, the bad bowler, amazing company knight, who is good to talk to, very relaxing.
David, the sweet, giving, handsome, silly knight, who always gives me these looks that I can't get out of my head.
Eli, always my knight in shiming armor, who I know still loves me just the same.
Trent is the knight who saved my summer.

Where the hell are all of my girl friends? hmm.

I'm glad I know these men, or boys.

Neo-Futurism changed my life, so many good things can come of it.

Let's be honest. There's no time to lie.

<3 co

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Today, was AWESOME

Best parts of the day:

Steph and I made out like bandits in tips. It was like, 23 bucks a piece. Thats 46 dollars we made in drunken tips. YES.

Passing out samples with the help of David. He should be a salesman. I would definitely buy encyclopedias from him. A through Z.

Watching Star Wars with David, leaning over the back of his chair, and having him flip me over onto his lap.

This: (it's a comment from Jay Dawson on my facebook, about a conversation i was kind of having in Hoagie Hut while trying to say goodnight to Jay:

"so those drunk guys you were talking to. the conversation went like this, from what i heard.

Corey-So you didn't eat all that food
Dark skin guy-no, wait yeah we did
white-i'll take you on a date and buy you everything
corey- what?
dark skin guy- he said he'll take you on a date
white- i'll fuck you in the butt
corey- what?

thanks so much. i really needed that at that point."

yep. All in all, great day. Absolutely fucking amazing.



Maybe if I were normal....

I feel like sleeping and eating and battling tigers.

There is nothing left in me. I am weak, and I wish I knew words. But I don't.

And there is nothing left in me.

...I wouldn't be so fucking alone.

Friday, July 27, 2007


everything can collapse a little, when something happens that one wasn't anticipating. I was most definitely not anticipating certain recent events.

I am an uncomfortable mixture of ashamed and confused. Yuck.


I will tell Trent everything I think he needs to know, I will give him a mighty hug, and the biggest apology I can muster. I hope I don't cry.

I am so tired. I think I will update this more often.

Tuesday, April 3, 2007

revenge, a dish best served

So, last night i go into connor's room and offer him some of the pop i took from the cast party from working at whitney and he has friend's over and they get some too.
They decide to sneak out and Connor is fucking stupid and doesn't bring keys TO GET BACK INTO THE HOUSE.
Flash into 3:45 in the morning, he is calling me to let him in.
Fuck no, i am not going to get out of bed, go downstairs, after that little piece of shit has done nothing for me he expects me to serve him.
Yeah, and let him use me and walk all over me just like mom.
Well, his friend either climbs the building or somehow they get to the roof, and the either lower down a ladder and one of them is fuckin, BANGING on my window, like i care enough at that point to let them in.

What really sucked is that after they woke me up it took me forever to fall back asleep.

But it was sweet to have him have to work his ass off because he was stupid and someone didnt baby him.

oh man.



Sunday, April 1, 2007

First Blog


check me out.