Friday, August 10, 2007

Inspiration, Finally.

I just got the inclination to draw a woman, she was awkward, with short hair, she is one line, curved and bent and swirled around and it makes one woman. I adore her. She is naked, and I envy her. I am home alone, and will be until Sunday. It takes me back to when Connor was away, my mom working, and I spend so much time here alone. I am trying to decide whether or not I like it. I miss being able to call Eli and have him come over, the routine of it all. I really despise the people he is surrounding himself with. I fear that because he is so eager to please, he will become like them, so much so that he will lose everything about himself that makes him someone great. I suppose that may be why I am so bitter about him drinking and hanging out with such awful girls. It is so typical of a teenage boy to do that, and he deserves and can do better. I pity him, I guess, for becoming so lost.

He won't like that I think that. But I don't really care. He won't think he is lost, but maybe I just think he is lost because he is lost to me. I just miss out bodies being close to each others'.

I have been getting little nicks and blisters on my knuckles. On my thumbs, they are from my bike, on my fingers, I have no idea. My bike and I are really getting acclimated to each other. The biggest problem I seem to have is that it is stuck in a particularly awful gear. I feel like I am getting boatloads of good exercise though. I am hungry. I can already tell I have lost weight, and my legs are stronger. It was weird to sit on the train today. I am so used to my bike seat now, it doesn't even feel weird, and it isn't sore anymore. Although my body is still really sore after so much biking on Claudia's birthday.

I think I am addicted to body modification. I want another tattoo. Desperately. I don't even know what yet, just, something. Anywhere. I don't want to be normal. I told Zach, after we left Eli's party, to murder me if I ever became like those girls. I would rather be dead than ordinary.

I met the guy who told my boss about the conversation I had with Zoe. He was really nice, and I made him tell me something secret about him, and I got his boss's phone number. I am still deciding whether or not to call her. I only know him as Nick, so that could pose as difficult.

I am ready for my septum to be healed. I am also ready to be ready to say goodbye to the boy I loved for so long, and still love.. I just need it to happen.


P.S. Sunshine was the most intense movie I have ever seen, ever, you wouldn't believe it. It is just, breath-taking. Afterward, all you can do is be amazed.

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