Just kidding.

I am itchy. And hungry. so. hungry.

sigh.

that is all.

<3co

Consolation

I console myself with the loudest music I can find. The angriest, or saddest, or most FUCK YOU IN THE EYE kind of music. Not fuck in an angry way. Fuck in an empowering way. You know?

I like it though. I like rocking out and what not. It feels good.

More later, I promise.

<3co

What the hell Aidan Sigman?

You used to be smart.

Ice Ice

So this thing happens to me, whenever I make myself remotely vulnerable, but then shot down, I go cold. It can be a good thing, but I don't like it when I end up listening to songs like "Lover I don't have to Love" by bright eyes. that is not how I want to feel. I want to love and be loved, and I am so tired of being taken for granted. I recently got spectacular advice from an unnamed source, that I am going to do my damnedest to follow. This source has yet to lead me astray. Anyway.

It's this horrible murki-ness, and I loathe it. I miss my old familiar friends. I saw Nick Aszling today, which was a lovely trip. I did a run and jump hug which felt great, because he didn't get all weird. I like that. He is moving back to chicago. Maybe I will see more of him. Maybe then I will also see more of Zoe. I miss the twins, and last summer, and I am sure I have said that before, but I can't stop thinking of doing nothing but bake with Aidan and Zoe all night and I miss Chaucer. I even miss Alex.

I want to fall down.

Poster of a Girl

I can't sleep. It's starting to get annoying. So for the time being, I am going to listen to the Across the Universe soundtrack. Mmm. Love songs, they all remind me of smiling.

I really am debating how much I like the Evan Rachel Wood version of Blackbird.

I have not much else to say, other than I loved spending time with my mom today. and I am not looking forward to class tomorrow.

I feel like just a baby,
Portrait of a lady,
Poster of a girl.

Metric, is good.

Akward Turtle

We are alone in this room, and it's weird, because you know whats going on, and I know you don't like me, and it's really a shame. I wish we could bond over something, and being my friend would be so worthwhile, that you would forget that I like your boyfriend, and I would feel so bad about liking him that I couldn't anymore. Of course, this is a mild exaggeration, but you ought to know, I respect you, and that he's yours. Sers.

Also, the complete lack of everyone I used to know is really sinking in. I want to see Claudia, or Fuzz, but they aren't home, and Fuzz turned into something dumb. I miss him a lot, I miss our summer. Yes indeed.

I miss last summer, not to say that I am not entirely enjoying this one, but really, I miss Sarah and cutting tile, and Eli, and sleeping over with the Twins, and chocolate chip banana bread and brownies that aren't quite cooked enough, but cooked just enough that when you dip them in a glass of milk, they are wonderful and heart meltingly good. I want to do that right now. I wonder if anyone would be up for it. Probably not. Fuck them.

No, just kidding. But maybe soon. That sounds so good though, my mouth is watering just thinking about it. I miss playing the piano, and singing, I miss letting my hands dance gracefull across a keyboard, floating, yes, I miss that a lot.

I miss CAMP, and I miss Fuji, and Shiloh and Mariners. I want to be at camp, and with Munkh or anyone else I know. I want something familiar.

And I'd like to talk about this with my new friends, but that might be awkward.

*awkward turtle*

<3co

Why am I so mood swing-y?

I don't know. But I don't like it. I don't like the walking on clouds feeling that somehow swoops down into a really lousy melancholy. I also am not excited to clean my room. I just need to get to it. I have to throw out all my glass bottles and stuff. I am not going to collect big stuff any more. I just am kind of mad at myself. I am going to clean now.

Could I be more vague?

Yes.

<3co

I am this many.

So. Yes. I am at Savor. Today I worked hard for the money, and tried to get a lot of things done, and got a lot more done than I thought I could initially. That was good. It was Geri's birthday, but she was sick, and I forgot her card and gift at home, and I wish I could have had it, because she is going on a vacation and what not. Yeah. Well.

I was trying to be serious and cool and whatever, but then I was just looking up and someone caught my eye and "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz came on my iTunes. Yeah, so, it didn't work out so well, the whole looking cool stuff. "I won't hesitate no more.." Man, this is a SONG. A good one, too.

I can't stop smiling. I like it a lot. I feel all crappy and sick but not too crappy and sick to smile and have a crush on someone. I keep imagining these perfect moments, that play out in there entirety and then I come to and realize they haven't happened at all. Wow. Blackbird just came on.

iTunes, you devil, you know me too well. <3

<3co

Trouble

I am understanding. I know why my mom is crazy sometimes, I just wish she wouldn't be. It is annoying. I have been cleaning. I hate my room, I need to keep it clean. Anyone who feels like helping me organize would be mucho appreciated. I have 4 full garbage bags, and still, garbage, everywhere. It it awful. I'd still like some happy clutter, but I don't want to have to dig for things. I am so sick.

I cannot wait for group tonight. Absolutely cannot wait. I am so excited to be back there. I am hungry and ready to talk about God. I forgot to write about one of the best conversations I have had in my life, that I meant to write about it my bike blog, but whatever. Ted and I had the most extraordinary talk about God, while riding our bikes back from Corie's party. It made me feel closer to God. Riding a bike in general makes me feel closer to God. Speeding down hills really does it for me.

I feel troublesome. I miss Joe.

I miss Eli. I wish I was well.

<3co

Hey Jeremy

You are sitting next to me. I think you are neat.

<3co

rerp.

4 laptops. Er... 3. Same room, pretttttty much next to each other.

Merp. I am rerp.

the end.

<3co

Should have known

Trent is a jerk.

Whatever.

I won't get to see him.

I should have gone to St. Charles, with Boy.

<3co

Fools

I have never in my life had an experience so beautiful and scary and sad. Fools was beautiful.

My heart is beating differently.

<3co


p.s. it's okay.

New

I missed you, computer, you poor dear. I know I have been ignoring you. My poor blog, all my other stuff. I have a lot to say, but little-to-no time to say it in. There are so many new great things in my life, and I am so happy to have them all. Mostly my new friends.

Cast of Characters:

Dave - We work together, he has a great sense of humor, is very tall. When we are walking, or I am walking and he is biking, we have some pretty good talks.
Jeremy - Probably who I get along with the best at this point, he is an artist, like me, and we talk about public art, and other things. We actually have some of the best talks I have had with anyone in a while. He is a bike fiend, and the artist part really gets me excited for all the cool stuff we can do.
Boy - Also known as Michael, we have decided to go by Boy and Girl toward each other. He likes the pumpkins, and if you know me, that should really be enough said. But apart from that he has incredibly intriguing mannerisms.
Emily - Apart from being Jeremy's girlfriend, she is a fellow redhead. Of everyone, I have probably been around her the least, but she is extra sweet with a side of cool, and it's wonderful to have a lady around.

Things I love about my new friends?

1. They are all substance free. We get our kicks in other ways, like enjoying each other's company and playing games, cooking, its amazing.
2. They all have a really cool taste in music, in some cases, it varies from my own, but I haven't heard anything play that I don't like. Of course I like Boy's taste in music the most, him being a Pumpkin's fan and all, but yeah.
3. They all are interesting, in different ways. Jeremy's interest in art has been really inspiring for me to be around.
4. We have really good talks, probably Jeremy and I have the most, but I have had some cool talks with Dave and Boy, too.
5. They live so so close to me. That is one of my favorite things, because I like being able to walk anywhere. Half a block away is mucho convenient.
6. They never kick me out. Which is why I have been missing you so much, laptop.

So, there is more, I am sure of it, but whatever. I am lazy.

Well. Time for Fools.

<3co

Magic 8

The one at Savor is always right, no matter what. Always. I hope.

Hope Schmope.

When I thought last night, and this morning in the shower, about all the things I wanted to write, there were so many things.

Turns out, notsomuch.

Last night, Boy played the guitar and Dave, he and I sang. Dave also played the guitar, and we sang. It was fabulous. I forgot how much I love to sing.

<3co

Sers.

I need courage. I need to be able to stand up as tall as I can and say, "You there!" and then a bunch of other stuff.

But I need a sign first, that it is okay to do that. I really need to have the sign first.

kay? So, get on it, give me a sign.

<3co

Today

I look fucking gorgeous.

rock.

<3co

The Long Night

To be perfectly honest, I don't exactly remember how it began. I remember that Jeremy and Emily wanted to watch Casino Royale, I had to pick up my bike, and that Dave and I wanted Dairy Queen. In any case, Dave and I ended up at Dairy Queen, and we got to ride our bikes through drunken Wrigleyville. There was pizza, and good times were had by most. We then decided our next stop should be the beach. Which was by far, one of the most fun times I have had this summer. We kicked the waves asses, and got soaked. We also found treasure. That was cool. After that we went to our respective homes and got clean and dry, then went to the golden apple. All in all, we were up until 7-ish and it was incredible. I had been wanting to do that all summer.

Tonight Dave and Sam and I went to Too Much Light. I wrote a lot of something else, but deleted it, because Sam is really cool, and I had a lot of fun. She is adorable, and tall. Tall.. I wish I were tall. Dave is TOO tall. But during True Confessions, which he knew what was coming, he looked like he was having a lot of fun. I hope Sam liked TML too.

Jeremy, I have discovered, is also quite pleasant. But I am still hung up on other things.

I feel like an idiot. I am tired, and melodramatic.

Song of the moment, Calender Girl, by Stars

<3co