Monday, July 30, 2007

This American Life

Maria Gaspar told me a hundred times to listen to This American Life, and now I am.

Listening, and watching. It's so amazing. Everything is so fucking real. Honesty and real life. I love it. There was a story about a boy who didn't believe in love: this 14 year old boy, who doesn't love and is 100% sure he never will. He doesn't want all that pain and anguish that comes with it. Eli didn't want it either, and I am tempted to ask him whether or not it was worth it, whether it was better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I still love him so much. I just want him to be happy, no matter what.

But on to newer things:

I like him, this David boy. It's fucking ridiculous. I miss liking Dean, who was so out of my league it was insane. But David, I think, is wonderful, and I can't seem to get enough of him. And then there's Trent. Who I adore, but is leaving soon, and I wish he was more, who he was when I met him.. He shouldn't smoke and drink. If I could see that same enthusiasm that he had the night we met, it'd be so different.. I don't know how to tell him just how much into David I am. I don't want him to hurt. I want to protect him from really terrible things, I want him to be pristine and wonderful and I want to save these gorgeous images and clips of him in my head. Like the first time I saw him, sitting in the neo-futurist office, looking up at me from the computer, and then hearing him say "Because Trent is big." (To my getting him a "Trent-size" towel.) That's what I want to remember. Not a drunk or smoking Trent. David though, is so bright. Absolutely downright jovial at times. I love that about him him. But what weirded me out the most was when he was sad, I would have done absolutely ANYTHING to make him happy again. I feel the same way about Trent, at times. I want them to be happy, all the time, and it scares me that they won't always be.

Happiness. This seems to be a theme of this post...

I am pretty happy right now. After driving around with Matt Insley, and then going cosmic bowling, just the two of us. I know him a little better, and like him a little more. He is a really good person. And we have almost identical bowling skills. That was probably the best part. There we high-fives, at knocking down even only 1 pin, because that became a good number after a few hard core gutter-balls. While bowling, Trent texted me, with a request, or maybe even just a statement, for my presence at his house, but honestly, I was so much happier bowling with Matt than I probably would have been over there. So Matt saved me.

Men have been saving me a lot, lately.

Jay, the grilled cheese and orange soda knight, who brightens long days.
Matt, the bad bowler, amazing company knight, who is good to talk to, very relaxing.
David, the sweet, giving, handsome, silly knight, who always gives me these looks that I can't get out of my head.
Eli, always my knight in shiming armor, who I know still loves me just the same.
Trent is the knight who saved my summer.

Where the hell are all of my girl friends? hmm.

I'm glad I know these men, or boys.

Neo-Futurism changed my life, so many good things can come of it.

Let's be honest. There's no time to lie.

<3 co

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