Thursday, January 7, 2010


I don't drink a lot of coffee, and maybe I have had a little more than normal anxiety in my life. John was gone for a lot of days, I have not been getting as much sleep as usual, I don't know. I was tired, maybe, and caffeine set off the alarm.

I started having extreme shortness of breath, and my heart was palpitating like a motherfucker. I was stuttering really really bad, and I was very light headed, and after 9 hours in the ER, alone for the first 7, it was diagnosed as an extreme anxiety attack, that had been triggered by caffeine. As in, caffeine made my heart race, and then my whole body reacted.

Whatever the case, around the 5th hour, after the blood tests determined I may have a pulmonary embolism, while I was being wheeled in a wheelchair, in a hospital gown, to get a CT scan, I saw a girl on a gurney in front of me, with her boyfriend walking beside her, holding her hand. I just started sobbing. My phone had died, I hadn't talked to someone in hours, and I lost it.

I laid there, on the CT scanner, just sobbing, trying to hold still when told to. The guy who was doing it was really nice to me though.

I waited for the CT scan results forever, and John got there at 11 or so. Two hours later they took the IV out of my arm and told me that there was no pulmonary embolism, that it must have only been a very bad panic attack.

All of that. Right after the IV was put in, I was very amused by the whole situation.

But then it turned to lonely shit. My arm is sore where my IV was. The fluid they pump in to do CT scans was terrifying. I've never had blood drawn before.

They prescribed Xanax. I am not taking any, I'm just going to save it, in case.

I have no plans to become addicted to Xanax. Everyone is all worried that I will get addicted.

It's stupid. I'm way too addicted to living a completely un-medicated (save for a monthly dose of midol) life. I don't drink, and I don't smoke, and I don't want to live in any kind of haze, but maybe it will be good to have around in the event that all of a sudden I panic again.

So. There. That was my Tuesday.

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