Monday, July 5, 2010

girls, girls, girls, haunting me

Not you, though. You don't haunt me anymore. I don't know if you ever did, really, but it was a fun feud while it lasted. He said we had a lot in common, which always scared me because I never wanted to end up how you did, with him. But it also made me wonder how many of my ex's were dating girls that I have a lot in common with, and if we could have ever been friends, sort of. I don't know. One of the many problems I encounter is how different I am from my peer group. My friends, my true, good friends, are all usually a minimum of 3 years older than me. The girls I find in my grade or within a year of me, with VERY few exceptions, are all so false, and hip, and cool, and they are collectors. Maybe it's the community I am in. I don't like the girls that feed on being liked. I just want to meet real people. I need to get away from this city for a while.

You, though, a different you, you haunt me. The amount of times a week I say that I hope you die young makes me feel like a horrible person.

A girl that I have encountered recently, in the context of a situation where I have to deal with her, aka, a co-worker, literally makes me want to scrape my face off. She acts so indignant when I try to correct her, but the fact is, I have been working at the shop for 3 years, she has been working for 3 months, and I know what the fuck I am doing.

I can finally listen to songs and watch movies with the name Molly without getting sick at my stomach, and I can thank Spenser for that. My loathing for one of yous no longer stems from the same place, but now it is just a point of how false you are. Spenser is real.

I don't appreciate being lied to, which is another reason you, not a girl, make me not want to be around you. Your enthusiasm is suspicious and I not only doubt it, entirely, but it also makes me think I have no idea who you are, which doesn't bother me, I don't think.

John and I saw Twilight last night, as we have seen the other 2. I think for him it is so much for the laugh of the teenage melodrama, and for me it starts that way, but I get so into it and by the end I am gasping and near tears. It makes me feel so young, and so stupid. But I will be damned if people try to deny how fucking gorgeous Jacob is, I mean seriously, those shoulders? Yum.

John will always be important to me. I always used to fear resenting the person who took me away from him, but I began to fear I would resent John if I didn't take this chance with Spenser, who is so different from anyone.

We are having lunch with my best friend today. It will be nice, I think.

Anyways, this is mostly to say, "sorry" for all the shit and all the nonsense, to the first you. I hope your birthday was a truly spectacular as mine, and that this year for you as looking as good as mine.

I am taking my first trip with a significant other, in august. We leave in less than a month, taking the train. I feel like an adult. Maybe I am. I don't know.

bloggity blog. cryptic you's, Maybe I am not an adult after all.

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