P P P Panic

I do not like this at all. I do not like that I am finding it difficult if not downright impossible to be distracted. I have never dealt with this before. I have a one track mind, and while your mind has limitless tracks it appears I am not on a single one of them. It appears.

I am probably wrong. But effort (albeit meager) on my part has gone unreturned. It is really frustrating that I take these things so personally. You are probably busy. But fuck. This is not a good feeling.

The one distraction that is proving to work is this Mike character. He is funny. I am excited for our Cultural hipster evening. I hope we get along. I also hope he is not a mutant or a woman.

Art has been an enormous distraction. Beautiful. I am loving this thing I am making. Also, I am thinking about being an artist's model, and diving hardcore into the art world for a while.

Sara and I were talking about be going to Milwaukee, and I am really, truly, strongly considering it. Or maybe San Francisco with Aidan. I am not feeling this city, I need a vacation, away from my family, and from the things I don't like. I want to defiantly do it when you come back, but I doubtfully will. I am not petty.

Anyhow, I sorted my bookmarks today, and feel like sharing some of my favorite bits...

I really like this one. It is just so blatant and beautiful. I find myself feeling that way a lot of the time. Or I did a lot in high school and that junk. I also completely and entirely adore how colorful it is. The large lettering and then the cursive. Beaut!

This is probably from a movie or some such, and I adore it, absolutely adore it. I love the way the wings look, I love the back ground and setting. It drives me wild. I remember almost not bookmarking it, but thinking one day I will probably like it a lot more. I am glad I did, because I was right. It reminds of me City of Angels, and Iris. And now I want to listen to that album. So I am going to.


This one of course reminds me of you. It's pretty lame how much it does, actually. Yeah. Fuck.
This one falls into the same catagory. 'Nuff said.



Who can argue with sweet nothings on cement? Not me.

Blah.

I like this band.

I wanna wake up where you are.





Yikes. I am having serious trouble editing this shit.

So I quit.

Deal.

Alonely

I am not too upset about all the alone time I am accidentally allowing myself, but I am starting to feel lonely.

The time really just speeds by, when I am listening to music I really like, and doing things that I like to do. I have a lot to do. I am going to see Sara and Too Much Light tonight, which will be good. I think she'll really like it, especially with her Self-Realism ideas.

I miss John. He is gone, in New Jersey, but I have been reading a lot of the things he writes, and I am really enjoying them. They are really beautiful.

Anyhow: I am way too distracted to blog.

Far and Near (I have a big beach bum)

Today, you are very far away from me. It is not a favored situation. I miss you.

I went to the beach with Sara, and it was so much fun. I biked and swam and had a great time. I smelled like sun, and it was so lovely.

I don't know what else.

That's all.

I'll Never Know If I Go

Today I was excessively moody. I was hurt when told to go. I was burned. Since then I have been feeling introverted and lonely. I am at least 80% sure you meant really nothing by it. I have been spending a lot of time with you lately. A lot of time. Everyone needs to be alone. You hadn't been alone in your house for a long time. I understand.

But for whatever reason, I just wanted to be gone. I need four dollars. I wanted to blast in front of a bus. That feeling didn't last, and I wouldn't have acted on it.

I am entirely disinterested in other guys. No matter how much I try to be interested. It is almost painful. All I want is you. I am content for this to go without a name, but it should be noted that my mouth is so full of three fat words that it might burst.

Whatever. I am moody.

Do not wear those shoes, and I won't wear that dress.

Do not kiss me.

Allegiance

Recently I have been allegiant to things that I really owe no allegiance to. Not because I feel like I have to be, but because I want to be. I am enjoying the time I am getting to spend with people. As well as the time I get to spend alone.

I am trying not to dwell on shitty people and bad situations. I am tired of the bizarre double standard among certain friends of mine, that when they see certain friends once once a week, oftentimes less than that, it is okay and excusable, but if I don't want to hang out all the time, it's because I am a bad friend. I do NOT understand, and I find it to be complete and utter bullshit.

There are things I remain confused by.

Today, you were my Romeo in black jeans. I'm sure this doesn't please you. But at this point I am apt not to care.

Tonight, I am determined to be creative.

Tomorrow, I am determined to get a job.

Oddly enough, I am entirely content to be just a piece of furniture in your weird life.

Yes.

Capsized

It's been a while, but let's not linger.

Or dwell, so here it goes.

I told Max that my birthday would be more fun if I didn't see him, but that was not what I meant, or how I meant to say it. Apart from being entirely wrong, it was an awful thing to say at all. I am appalled at the words that have come out of my mouth in his direction.

Are the nasty things I say any different than the things I say to other people, and he just receives them wrong, or listens to them at all? I am really curious about that.

This whole Max mess is fucking with my brain. I know I can't be that awful. My chest hurts and says that he is just too sensitive, that he just can't handle the person I am, in the same way I can't handle him.

In any case, if I were forced to "say a few words" about him in any given situation, I would probably say this,

"Maxwell is without a single doubt, the kindest person I have ever known, or known of. When it was good between us, it was great. He is as smart as a whip, and really, his eagerness to help others is astounding. While I suppose, it wasn't right for him and me, I wish him the best, and I can only hope he finds a girl that makes him as happy as he deserves, and he deserves white picket fences."

Yeah. Thinking about how happy I had been, really knocked my bad mood down. Probably because at least I got to know him for a while.


But other things are happening for me to be excited about, and I don't have time to feel like shit over boys that I make feel like shit.

Good things:

I painted my fingernails black, and I am really digging it.

Alex is coming to Chicago from Wisconsin, and we get to hang out and see Too Much Light, then hang out with John.

I hung out with Nate from Pick Me Up, and tried new food, and saw the most preposterous movie of all time.

I got to play Bananagrams. (with Nate)

I got a basket for my bike.

I am one year older.

I saw Melinda.

I don't know what else.

So.

Call It Off, by Tegan and Sara. Listen to it.

Let's find things to do.

The cheese stands alone

I am not cheese. I am a girl. I am alone.

Dave is gone.

I feel very small.

Youth

I thought long and hard about what I was going to write in this blog. Unfortunately, I then put on the Spice Girls and now all I can do is groove. It's a disaster.

I wanted to spend this blog cursing my youth. At 18, I was so excited to be an adult, but I haven't felt younger. Even when I was in high school, I felt older than this. In high school I felt mature. This, I suppose is not an issue of maturity. I know that I am very mature. However, my skin does not entirely reflect this. I do not have calluses associated with age. I am soft and pink and eager. I am not jaded. If would be outrageous, to me, for me to tell you that I am jaded. I know there are amazing things that I haven't seen, and I want to see them!

Would I be a more believable adult if I feigned cynicism?

I think not. I think I can be an adult and feel that magic that comes from magical things, like a cat's warm belly, and what it feels like to have a crush. My kitten is magical.

One of the best compliments I have ever gotten was from Michael, when he said I was "a peach without a pit, sweet as can be and soft all the way through." I think soft is very accurate. I melt at, typically, even the word kitten, or at the sight of a certain person. That person has been several different people. Initially I didn't like that. I really enjoyed the one and only idea. I hope maybe there is a one and only. That would be fine indeed.



That's all I have to say about that.

There are so many things.

Michael is blogging. I can blog too. I never blog anymore. That's not cool. I am sure my many loyal readers miss me!

I have not been liking how I have been feeling mostly, these days. There have been internal conflicts that I am downright uncomfortable with. I think though that everything will resolve itself sooner than later.

I like Luna.

That was the only thing I saw of Michael's blog. Perhaps the Smashing Pumpkins song? I like that song, also. I remember when I used to fancy myself a "Luna." and I would design cool logos for my cute little nicknames for myself. I remember in Ms. Sinclair's History Research class, I did my Luna logo really big on one of the green chalk boards.

I find myself taking sides a lot, recently, and encountering difficulties because of that. Because I want to be a good, loyal friend, especially to someone I am so, almost desperately, fond of. But I cannot help but know that sad sad feeling of loss. Not knowing what went wrong, but having it be all out of my control. I sympathize with him though. It must have been hard. That girl has the sweetest eyes.

I am only sort of coming to grips with Dave's pondering over love. I want to hear that word so bad now. I want him to tell me he loves me. He used to, now he doesn't. It is awful. It makes me feel awful.

I find a lot of comfort in even being near Michael, though. I don't know why. But When we were in his car, driving back from practice, it felt so good, when it was just me and him in the car. Not in a romantic way, but in a way where I knew if I turned and said anything to him, he would listen to me, and wouldn't judge me. He is so easy. It is fantastic.

There are so many things you wouldn't understand.

There are a lot of things I wish I could say to you.

<3

Birthdays?

So, today is January 23rd. It's Eli's birthday, and what would be our two year anniversary. Weird. I do not regret at all how everything happened, and I wouldn't change a thing. It could have been weird though, if he were here. We'd have cake. That's all I can really say about it. It would have been sweet. I love cake. I feel bad for skimping out on Tim, and not going by Sweet Mandy B's. I really wanted those cupcakes, it is just so cold and snowy and awful.

I am sure he'll understand.

I finally have the Marcy Playground album. I missed it. These songs are so worn and warm in my ears and it feels good to have something old and familiar. Especially music. I LOVE this album. I don't like noise, but I love this sound. I feel like digging up a bunch of shit from my musical past. It feels good. It isn't the music I listened to with my friends, it was MY music. That was when I was interested in finding new music, now I feel like an old person, who only wants what they are familiar with and is scared of everything else. I am not scared, I just think it is largely a piece of crap. I Want to curl up my toes and lay in some mud.


Honestly, I thought it could not get better, but So Much For The Afterglow just finished and I am going to listen to it when I am done with this album.

My night is alright, even if I scoff at Dave.

OH MAN. So. Work. Sometimes Geri just breaks my heart. I try so hard to do whats right. It's like that night she closed and Dave and I were there and it looked mediocre to okay and she said that she would be pleased if she opened and it looked like that. Because she knew she worked hard and she felt like she did a good job. She didn't do a bad job, it looked fine, but I can think of so many times where I busted my ass closing the store, and I was told it wasn't good enough because I forgot this that or the other. I try so hard but it's never enough. For anyone.

I am so done with that being the case.

Done.