I am in a gray haze. I don't feel very good about anything. I'll have bursts of good moods, but they don't last long. My body hurts. My shoulders ache, and I don't know why. I am going to take a hot shower in a little while, and maybe that will soothe that mess.
I want to get out more.
I am going to make things tonight.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
i got it.
In any case: There is a chair in John's garage that I am totally in love with. I have thought about it pretty much non-stop-ish since I saw it.
It is a beautiful chair.
It was my birthday present. I am sitting in it right now. I love it. I cried when I saw it.
Right now though?
I'm a touch melancholy.
It is a beautiful chair.
It was my birthday present. I am sitting in it right now. I love it. I cried when I saw it.
Right now though?
I'm a touch melancholy.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
while it's fresh in my mind:
I am filler, I am nothing.
I am the one that inhabits the rooms and the beds. But I am only taking up space.
This is what I have chosen, I suppose.
I have chosen to take the bus instead of bike, and now I will be fat. I have chosen to let jealousy and bitterness sink in, and now I will be bitter.
This isn't my present, it's someone else's past, but I am living it, and it's loud and mean.
"Sorrow drips into your heart, through a pinhole, just like a faucet that leaks, and there is comfort in the sound, and while you debate half empty or half full, it slowly rises,
your love is gonna drown."
I had a dream about Eli last night, and trains, and hanging out with people my age.
It wouldn't matter if I was the most beautiful woman in the world in my new dress, and it wouldn't matter if I went away to college, and got real smart, it wouldn't matter if I wrote a book, or a play, or a song, I am only me. I will never be 543.
And just like that, these feeling bring me back to knocking on Julian's window, in the garage, but I'm not S, either.
My new suspenders itch.
I am going to ride my bike, even if it pours.
I am the one that inhabits the rooms and the beds. But I am only taking up space.
This is what I have chosen, I suppose.
I have chosen to take the bus instead of bike, and now I will be fat. I have chosen to let jealousy and bitterness sink in, and now I will be bitter.
This isn't my present, it's someone else's past, but I am living it, and it's loud and mean.
"Sorrow drips into your heart, through a pinhole, just like a faucet that leaks, and there is comfort in the sound, and while you debate half empty or half full, it slowly rises,
your love is gonna drown."
I had a dream about Eli last night, and trains, and hanging out with people my age.
It wouldn't matter if I was the most beautiful woman in the world in my new dress, and it wouldn't matter if I went away to college, and got real smart, it wouldn't matter if I wrote a book, or a play, or a song, I am only me. I will never be 543.
And just like that, these feeling bring me back to knocking on Julian's window, in the garage, but I'm not S, either.
My new suspenders itch.
I am going to ride my bike, even if it pours.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Thursday, June 4, 2009
20 before 20
I need ideas for 19 teenage things to do before I am no longer 19. These are my last twenty days as a teenager.
Mama bird came back, I am not a murderer.
Life is good, today.
My boyfriend is the knees.
Mama bird came back, I am not a murderer.
Life is good, today.
My boyfriend is the knees.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
M & S
I just watched Beauty and the Beast for the first time in many many many years, and that, coupled with boyfriend smell (inside of boyfriend shirt), and maybe a bit of new-bike excitement have helped me recover a bit from my concern over the baby birds I might have mindlessly murdered.
I haven't gotten to see them since Monday, but I will see them tomorrow night, John says they've been chirping. We've had two cold nights in a row. Suck.
But I did get a new bike, and I can already tell that her name is Margaret. Sheila was fun and sweet and beautiful, and Margaret is a little more sensible, still beautiful though. Sheila was my beautiful 1970's Kelly Green Schwinn Breeze, and Margaret is probably an early 80's Burgundy Schwinn World Tourist. One of the things I like best about Margaret is that she is world's lighter than Sheila. I picked her up and the difference was AMAZING. Another huge difference between Margaret and Sheila is that M is a three speed and Sheila was a single speed, so that should be... interesting. I don't know how to work gears really. I played around when I rode home from the train tonight, and I think I have some idea. Also, Margaret has handle breaks, where Sheila had back pedal breaking. They are very very different bikes. They have similar handle bars, minus the breaks, and Margaret has thinner, more road bike style tires.
The seat on Margaret is AMAZING. It's like sitting on a pillow, perfect for my awfully long ride to boyfriend's house.
I don't know why I called him that. He has a name.
Pouncer.
Why did I just pretend that my cat was my boyfriend and not John?
This was in the wallet I lost. Awful. I love these pictures. He's a handsome fellow, and brilliant.
<3!
I haven't gotten to see them since Monday, but I will see them tomorrow night, John says they've been chirping. We've had two cold nights in a row. Suck.
But I did get a new bike, and I can already tell that her name is Margaret. Sheila was fun and sweet and beautiful, and Margaret is a little more sensible, still beautiful though. Sheila was my beautiful 1970's Kelly Green Schwinn Breeze, and Margaret is probably an early 80's Burgundy Schwinn World Tourist. One of the things I like best about Margaret is that she is world's lighter than Sheila. I picked her up and the difference was AMAZING. Another huge difference between Margaret and Sheila is that M is a three speed and Sheila was a single speed, so that should be... interesting. I don't know how to work gears really. I played around when I rode home from the train tonight, and I think I have some idea. Also, Margaret has handle breaks, where Sheila had back pedal breaking. They are very very different bikes. They have similar handle bars, minus the breaks, and Margaret has thinner, more road bike style tires.
The seat on Margaret is AMAZING. It's like sitting on a pillow, perfect for my awfully long ride to boyfriend's house.
I don't know why I called him that. He has a name.
Pouncer.
Why did I just pretend that my cat was my boyfriend and not John?
This was in the wallet I lost. Awful. I love these pictures. He's a handsome fellow, and brilliant.
<3!
Monday, June 1, 2009
Murderer
If only this blog could be about the song by Low. If only. I would be so happy.
This is doomed to be about how I inadvertently murdered three baby birds. Whether or not they are dead at this moment, I am not sure, but it's cold, and they are no longer safe and warm under John's air conditioner. They are mostly safe between John's windows with some cardboard. I am sad, almost sick over it, they looked to sweet and they were breathing, those pretty little baby birds.
If their mama bird doesn't come back and they die, I have every intention of carefully taking them out of the window sill and putting them in a strong enough box that there can be no ironic worm-eat-bird twist.
I am going to name them.
There's three of them.
I'll write a play about it, and a song, and I'll paint a picture of them.
My heart is aching over what I caused.
It occurred to me that I could try to care for them, but the internet says they need to be fed every 15 to 20 minutes, and I have been away for about 5 hours.
Blech, I hate it.
I just want to have enough money to buy a bike, and get my tattoo.
I turn twenty in 23 days.
This is doomed to be about how I inadvertently murdered three baby birds. Whether or not they are dead at this moment, I am not sure, but it's cold, and they are no longer safe and warm under John's air conditioner. They are mostly safe between John's windows with some cardboard. I am sad, almost sick over it, they looked to sweet and they were breathing, those pretty little baby birds.
If their mama bird doesn't come back and they die, I have every intention of carefully taking them out of the window sill and putting them in a strong enough box that there can be no ironic worm-eat-bird twist.
I am going to name them.
There's three of them.
I'll write a play about it, and a song, and I'll paint a picture of them.
My heart is aching over what I caused.
It occurred to me that I could try to care for them, but the internet says they need to be fed every 15 to 20 minutes, and I have been away for about 5 hours.
Blech, I hate it.
I just want to have enough money to buy a bike, and get my tattoo.
I turn twenty in 23 days.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
"I know"
I am almost 20 years old. Plenty of my peers are in the same boat as me, the same, anxious and waiting to be 21 boat. However, unlike most of my peers, I am not excited to drink alcohol, and gamble, and get into certain strip clubs, etc. I want to be able to hang out with my boyfriend. I want to be able to go dancing, and to the bars he goes to, just to hang out with him and friends. It makes me feel shitty that he has to choose between hanging out with me, where we can go, or going out with his friends at bars or clubs where I can't get in, because I am almost 20, and not 21. I can only hope that 20 goes by as quickly as 19 did. I don't want to drag him away from the places he wants to be, but I want to be able to spend time with him. I want to be able to dance and hang out.
That's the end of my whiny rant about being too young to do what I want, and I have complained a lot about my age here, it's hard.
I got off the bus today, and sat down at the bus stop for the next bus I needed to get on, and then "Come Pick Me Up" by Ryan Adams came up in the shuffle and swelled my heart up real big and I decided to walk. It was gray, but not raining, and if I got tired, I could always stop and wait for a bus.
I have been having bouts of really bad chest pain, heart palpitations. It happened on the bus last night to John's, and then again when I was walking, and then again when I was home. I want to believe it's because I have been so happy lately that my heart just can't handle it, but I think it is more likely caused by anxiety problems. But I am happy.
Anyhow, I made it a hop and a skip past Lawrence before Paula called me and I went to The Grind and got her some coffee and I got a raspberry hot chocolate, which was delicious. Then Paula and I sat around and we played on her dad's wheelchair elevator lifty deal outside. Sara came and we went to Wells Park. That didn't last and we ended up back at Paula's house, where I played with Ringo, who was cuter than cute.
I have been tired all the time.
On Friday Beek is going to pick me up from work on her SCOOTER and we are going to shop in Wicker Park and then go downtown.
I want to be able to wear my swim suit to the beach soon. I love to swim.
I have spring fever, I think that's why I am so lovey-dovey. It's the sun and the birds and the warm breeze, they elate me, and then I wake up, and get kissed on the head.
I am sleepy, but I feel good, and somber, and pensive, and a little sad, maybe.
I don't know.
That's the end of my whiny rant about being too young to do what I want, and I have complained a lot about my age here, it's hard.
I got off the bus today, and sat down at the bus stop for the next bus I needed to get on, and then "Come Pick Me Up" by Ryan Adams came up in the shuffle and swelled my heart up real big and I decided to walk. It was gray, but not raining, and if I got tired, I could always stop and wait for a bus.
I have been having bouts of really bad chest pain, heart palpitations. It happened on the bus last night to John's, and then again when I was walking, and then again when I was home. I want to believe it's because I have been so happy lately that my heart just can't handle it, but I think it is more likely caused by anxiety problems. But I am happy.
Anyhow, I made it a hop and a skip past Lawrence before Paula called me and I went to The Grind and got her some coffee and I got a raspberry hot chocolate, which was delicious. Then Paula and I sat around and we played on her dad's wheelchair elevator lifty deal outside. Sara came and we went to Wells Park. That didn't last and we ended up back at Paula's house, where I played with Ringo, who was cuter than cute.
I have been tired all the time.
On Friday Beek is going to pick me up from work on her SCOOTER and we are going to shop in Wicker Park and then go downtown.
I want to be able to wear my swim suit to the beach soon. I love to swim.
I have spring fever, I think that's why I am so lovey-dovey. It's the sun and the birds and the warm breeze, they elate me, and then I wake up, and get kissed on the head.
I am sleepy, but I feel good, and somber, and pensive, and a little sad, maybe.
I don't know.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Lemon Chiffon
Diane is not bad. Not at all, I would go so far as to say Diane is pretty good. There has been plenty of past tension but tonight, I was happy to talk to her, and happy to hear about her sleep deprivation due caused by not wanting to sleep through a moment of hanging out with this new dude in her life. I was sad when I had to go downstairs.
My day at work was perfect. I felt good, and I kept busy, and it even started great because there, at the bottom of the daily log, in big yellow and green letters, it read "GREAT CLOSE COREY!" as in, I had not only cleaned and prepared the store for the next day adequately, but I did great. I was there a long time, and I worked very hard, but rather merrily, because my heart was still buzzing from the spark that was shot through it when Sid had to go. I was on clouds, and I floated over the closing, it was a very sweaty, jerky, jagged floating though, that involved a spontaneously stopping vacuum.
But I got home, and as I kept almost nodding off to sleep, I though about John. I was tired and lonely and wanted to be at his house, in his room, in his bed, falling asleep wrapped in those smells. But I didn't get to see him until the show, but he was so great in the show. He is great. He was charming and handsome, like a prince, and I was totally taken by him. Girl crushes can be fine and good, but when I think about the Johnman, and what he has done for me, in terms of helping me see and feel my potential, I am giddy with adoration. I am proud to be the girl he can call his. I can only hope that he can feel that way about me.
I don't feel like I have accomplished a lot, but I like the niche I have carved for myself in my neighborhood, at the theater, with my friends, with John, but especially that I feel like I live in this city, I know my way around.
I want to move out, and possibly to Lincoln Square.
I want to move out.
I want to move.
Not right now, now, I want to go to a movie.
My day at work was perfect. I felt good, and I kept busy, and it even started great because there, at the bottom of the daily log, in big yellow and green letters, it read "GREAT CLOSE COREY!" as in, I had not only cleaned and prepared the store for the next day adequately, but I did great. I was there a long time, and I worked very hard, but rather merrily, because my heart was still buzzing from the spark that was shot through it when Sid had to go. I was on clouds, and I floated over the closing, it was a very sweaty, jerky, jagged floating though, that involved a spontaneously stopping vacuum.
But I got home, and as I kept almost nodding off to sleep, I though about John. I was tired and lonely and wanted to be at his house, in his room, in his bed, falling asleep wrapped in those smells. But I didn't get to see him until the show, but he was so great in the show. He is great. He was charming and handsome, like a prince, and I was totally taken by him. Girl crushes can be fine and good, but when I think about the Johnman, and what he has done for me, in terms of helping me see and feel my potential, I am giddy with adoration. I am proud to be the girl he can call his. I can only hope that he can feel that way about me.
I don't feel like I have accomplished a lot, but I like the niche I have carved for myself in my neighborhood, at the theater, with my friends, with John, but especially that I feel like I live in this city, I know my way around.
I want to move out, and possibly to Lincoln Square.
I want to move out.
I want to move.
Not right now, now, I want to go to a movie.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
soft soft
Long ago, when I was just a wee girl, and I just started speaking, I used to call lip balm of any kind, "soft". I think my long standing addiction to lip balm began there. I have lip balm either on my person, or within 10 feet of me, at all times.
Except for the week that I left it in the car when I got dropped off at camp. Awful.
Anyhow, I like rubbing my lips together and having them be smooth and soft. I like that a lot.
I also like Sid a lot. It goes beyond just regular crush to crush + friend-crush = a general excitement when I talk to her. I like that she knows about things I want to know about, and she has the same excitement that I do for art, probably more even, it's so inspiring to be around her. She's gorgeous, which doesn't hurt either. I could look at those big brown eyes alll day. Three L all. ALLL.
I am hoping that our adventure plans come to fruition. Oh, the adventures!
Oh my.
I was planning to be a little social tonight, but discovered I was tired, and would rather stay home, and relax in my chair, and melt into my bed when I get tired enough to get into it.
I had a good day at work, which I owe in large part to Sid, for keeping me company over a very slow day.
My cat is giving me the eye.
I wanted to meet Sara and Vinny at the Music Box for Army of Darkness, but no such thing happened. Hopefully though, that will allow me to read John's book tonight.
Now though, it is time for mac and cheese, and cleaning up the messes I have made, and reading, and cross word puzzle, and sleep.
c<3s
Except for the week that I left it in the car when I got dropped off at camp. Awful.
Anyhow, I like rubbing my lips together and having them be smooth and soft. I like that a lot.
I also like Sid a lot. It goes beyond just regular crush to crush + friend-crush = a general excitement when I talk to her. I like that she knows about things I want to know about, and she has the same excitement that I do for art, probably more even, it's so inspiring to be around her. She's gorgeous, which doesn't hurt either. I could look at those big brown eyes alll day. Three L all. ALLL.
I am hoping that our adventure plans come to fruition. Oh, the adventures!
Oh my.
I was planning to be a little social tonight, but discovered I was tired, and would rather stay home, and relax in my chair, and melt into my bed when I get tired enough to get into it.
I had a good day at work, which I owe in large part to Sid, for keeping me company over a very slow day.
My cat is giving me the eye.
I wanted to meet Sara and Vinny at the Music Box for Army of Darkness, but no such thing happened. Hopefully though, that will allow me to read John's book tonight.
Now though, it is time for mac and cheese, and cleaning up the messes I have made, and reading, and cross word puzzle, and sleep.
c<3s
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