Capsized

It's been a while, but let's not linger.

Or dwell, so here it goes.

I told Max that my birthday would be more fun if I didn't see him, but that was not what I meant, or how I meant to say it. Apart from being entirely wrong, it was an awful thing to say at all. I am appalled at the words that have come out of my mouth in his direction.

Are the nasty things I say any different than the things I say to other people, and he just receives them wrong, or listens to them at all? I am really curious about that.

This whole Max mess is fucking with my brain. I know I can't be that awful. My chest hurts and says that he is just too sensitive, that he just can't handle the person I am, in the same way I can't handle him.

In any case, if I were forced to "say a few words" about him in any given situation, I would probably say this,

"Maxwell is without a single doubt, the kindest person I have ever known, or known of. When it was good between us, it was great. He is as smart as a whip, and really, his eagerness to help others is astounding. While I suppose, it wasn't right for him and me, I wish him the best, and I can only hope he finds a girl that makes him as happy as he deserves, and he deserves white picket fences."

Yeah. Thinking about how happy I had been, really knocked my bad mood down. Probably because at least I got to know him for a while.


But other things are happening for me to be excited about, and I don't have time to feel like shit over boys that I make feel like shit.

Good things:

I painted my fingernails black, and I am really digging it.

Alex is coming to Chicago from Wisconsin, and we get to hang out and see Too Much Light, then hang out with John.

I hung out with Nate from Pick Me Up, and tried new food, and saw the most preposterous movie of all time.

I got to play Bananagrams. (with Nate)

I got a basket for my bike.

I am one year older.

I saw Melinda.

I don't know what else.

So.

Call It Off, by Tegan and Sara. Listen to it.

Let's find things to do.

The cheese stands alone

I am not cheese. I am a girl. I am alone.

Dave is gone.

I feel very small.

Youth

I thought long and hard about what I was going to write in this blog. Unfortunately, I then put on the Spice Girls and now all I can do is groove. It's a disaster.

I wanted to spend this blog cursing my youth. At 18, I was so excited to be an adult, but I haven't felt younger. Even when I was in high school, I felt older than this. In high school I felt mature. This, I suppose is not an issue of maturity. I know that I am very mature. However, my skin does not entirely reflect this. I do not have calluses associated with age. I am soft and pink and eager. I am not jaded. If would be outrageous, to me, for me to tell you that I am jaded. I know there are amazing things that I haven't seen, and I want to see them!

Would I be a more believable adult if I feigned cynicism?

I think not. I think I can be an adult and feel that magic that comes from magical things, like a cat's warm belly, and what it feels like to have a crush. My kitten is magical.

One of the best compliments I have ever gotten was from Michael, when he said I was "a peach without a pit, sweet as can be and soft all the way through." I think soft is very accurate. I melt at, typically, even the word kitten, or at the sight of a certain person. That person has been several different people. Initially I didn't like that. I really enjoyed the one and only idea. I hope maybe there is a one and only. That would be fine indeed.



That's all I have to say about that.

There are so many things.

Michael is blogging. I can blog too. I never blog anymore. That's not cool. I am sure my many loyal readers miss me!

I have not been liking how I have been feeling mostly, these days. There have been internal conflicts that I am downright uncomfortable with. I think though that everything will resolve itself sooner than later.

I like Luna.

That was the only thing I saw of Michael's blog. Perhaps the Smashing Pumpkins song? I like that song, also. I remember when I used to fancy myself a "Luna." and I would design cool logos for my cute little nicknames for myself. I remember in Ms. Sinclair's History Research class, I did my Luna logo really big on one of the green chalk boards.

I find myself taking sides a lot, recently, and encountering difficulties because of that. Because I want to be a good, loyal friend, especially to someone I am so, almost desperately, fond of. But I cannot help but know that sad sad feeling of loss. Not knowing what went wrong, but having it be all out of my control. I sympathize with him though. It must have been hard. That girl has the sweetest eyes.

I am only sort of coming to grips with Dave's pondering over love. I want to hear that word so bad now. I want him to tell me he loves me. He used to, now he doesn't. It is awful. It makes me feel awful.

I find a lot of comfort in even being near Michael, though. I don't know why. But When we were in his car, driving back from practice, it felt so good, when it was just me and him in the car. Not in a romantic way, but in a way where I knew if I turned and said anything to him, he would listen to me, and wouldn't judge me. He is so easy. It is fantastic.

There are so many things you wouldn't understand.

There are a lot of things I wish I could say to you.

<3

Birthdays?

So, today is January 23rd. It's Eli's birthday, and what would be our two year anniversary. Weird. I do not regret at all how everything happened, and I wouldn't change a thing. It could have been weird though, if he were here. We'd have cake. That's all I can really say about it. It would have been sweet. I love cake. I feel bad for skimping out on Tim, and not going by Sweet Mandy B's. I really wanted those cupcakes, it is just so cold and snowy and awful.

I am sure he'll understand.

I finally have the Marcy Playground album. I missed it. These songs are so worn and warm in my ears and it feels good to have something old and familiar. Especially music. I LOVE this album. I don't like noise, but I love this sound. I feel like digging up a bunch of shit from my musical past. It feels good. It isn't the music I listened to with my friends, it was MY music. That was when I was interested in finding new music, now I feel like an old person, who only wants what they are familiar with and is scared of everything else. I am not scared, I just think it is largely a piece of crap. I Want to curl up my toes and lay in some mud.


Honestly, I thought it could not get better, but So Much For The Afterglow just finished and I am going to listen to it when I am done with this album.

My night is alright, even if I scoff at Dave.

OH MAN. So. Work. Sometimes Geri just breaks my heart. I try so hard to do whats right. It's like that night she closed and Dave and I were there and it looked mediocre to okay and she said that she would be pleased if she opened and it looked like that. Because she knew she worked hard and she felt like she did a good job. She didn't do a bad job, it looked fine, but I can think of so many times where I busted my ass closing the store, and I was told it wasn't good enough because I forgot this that or the other. I try so hard but it's never enough. For anyone.

I am so done with that being the case.

Done.

Type

I really like talking to Michael. I really like that he talks to me, too. I like that I feel like I know things about him that not other people know. It's cool. In any case. It was nice to know that my suspicions of Dave and Jeremy putting their friends from home on a pedestal was correct. I wish I could remember how "great " high school was. but it wasn't. It was awful, and I can thank a lot of people for that. Even people I know and love and hold dear. Talking to Michael today made me thing a lot about that. And about some stupid poem I wrote. About how I was never invited to things, and how I am so easy to forget. I really like though that I have found my niche in Savor, that people remember me, and come to talk to me, and are really sweet to me. Like Potterton, and all the other regulars.

I didn't write about how it felt to open on a weekday, but it was amazing. Awesome. It was so different from any other shift I had ever worked. I liked it so much more than opening on Sunday. It was so much more enjoyable. The people, the quiet. I am sure that it isn't typically like that on a weekday morning, but that quiet morning-ness of it all was breathtaking. I am kind of mad that I went and slept all day. I wish I had stayed, and kept that day and made it mine. I feel like I am robbing myself of days I will wish I had later in my life. Like that myspace blog post from probably last year where I spent all day asleep, in bed, and felt absolutely shitty for wasting it.

As per the usual, I miss Trent. Or really more so that week in that tiny little house. It was so nice and perfect in about as many ways as I could imagine.

I say that I miss a lot.

Maybe I don't

i always knew

blahhhhhh. i feel gross and sad and blech and i don't know why and i do not want to feel this way. at all.

i want to cry.

now all i need is a reason.

i hope i never get one.

-co

A new beginning, finally.

I went through all the stuff, all the pictures, everything, I took everything out of the box, and read it, and appreciated it, and let it go. I loved Eli, so much. He put so many good things in my life, and I am who I am because he loved me, and because I loved him. I didn't cry, and I didn't want to be with him again, I just remembered the good, and had good hopes for the future.

At least for now, the present, holds Dave. He is absolutely incredible, and I haven't ever wanted to make someone smile more. The way he smiles and laughs makes me feel so good. I just adore being around him, and he lights me up. He has a handlebar mustache for halloween, and he is just the cutest boy I have ever known, and his sense of humor and his sweet smile, and almost everything about who he is entirely compliments the way I am. I feel like that 2nd grade girl who sees a boy in 5th grade who is so cute and so out of her league, and then one day he says hi. Thats the way I feel when I am around him.

so, here's to old things, and new beginnings, I hope they stay. <3

co

Velociaptors

I am one.

So are you.




If you're a velociraptor, I'm a velociraptor.

mmmjamestaylor.

Just kidding. MmmModernEnglish.


So. Dave. What's up? You aren't reading my blog as a type. That's cool.

Whutevs.

I got nothin. Sorta.

-co

Someone I've Never Met

But I have been thinking about semi-regularly. I don't know.

I just found my livejournal.

I used to be weird.

omfg.

I am going downtown tomorrow if it kills me.

kthnxbai.