Imitation Of Life

I sat in on writing critiques tonight, after going to class with my friend Amanda. It felt good to be in a classroom. I need to do things like that more. I want to go back to school.

Anyhow: It really lit a fire under my butt to write. I don't know what I want to do and do and do for the rest of my life, but I know I have at least one story to tell, and I want to write that one, for the people who need a story like it.

So I wrote.

Not a lot, but I really like what's there.

I'm not done.

Goofus and Gallant

Goofus: Goofus goes to a party and meets the girlfriend of the guy she wants to sleep with and attempts to befriend her, and make herself appear trustworthy, only to reveal she is a two-face.

Gallant: Gallant goes to a party and meets the girlfriend of the guy she wants to sleep with and avoids her completely, interacting only when necessary, or polite.

Gallant is still an idiot, and it was nice not to be the only person who felt that way. But it was also nice that she doesn't have the gall to think I would ever want to be her friend.

Please Please Me (Let's Change The Pace)

When I was a kid, my mom liked to listen to Oldies 104.3 in the car.

The other night I was just listening to the Beatles Anthology, and the opening melody of this song started and I was blasted back to the backseat of my mom's car.

This song, and Day Tripper, were the first Beatles songs I knew, a little kid. My mom was a Beatles fangirl from the beginning, so she made sure to let me know what was what.

I totally miss Oldies 104.3, and Dick Biondi.

...So, I just looked up Dick Biondi (to make sure I spelled his name right) and as it happens, he is credited as the first U.S. Disc Jockey to play the Beatles. It was in Chicago, on WLS 890 AM, in February of 1963.

...The song he played was "Please Please Me."

That just made me very happy. Maybe that's why I remember this song, and his voice; when I don't really think it's one of the Beatles' songs that stayed very popular, it's one I remember hearing on the radio all the time.

Now it's time for bed. <3

Cuddly Toy, part 2

I deleted the original post out of guilt, and that was dumb, because I had nothing to feel guilty about.

"She looks at life like it's a party and she's on the list
She looks at me like I'm a trend and she's so over it
I think her ever present frown is a little troubling
And, she thinks I'm psycho 'cause I like to rhyme her name with things,

But sophistication isn't what you wear, or who you know
Or pushing people down to get you where you wanna go
Oh they didn't teach you that in prep school so it's up to me
But no amount of vintage dresses gives you dignity"

I don't give shit about your opinions, because I love Taylor.

But that song is theraputic for thinking about that trashbag.

I know though, that I'm not the only cuddly toy, because he leaves us in the dust.

I know he is a good guy, or used to be, I can't imagine that he could still be the same person he was with me.

People Throw Rocks At Things That Shine

Of all the girls I have loved to hate over the course of my life, I have finally found one that makes it easy. She isn't nice, she isn't in an understandable situation, she's just a selfish, pretentious, mean girl.

So when I have revenge dreams about me and Taylor Swift playing "Mean" at the Superbowl and saying her name on TV and calling her out for being the nasty, mean girl that she is, I don't feel bad at all.

"Someday, I'll be big enough so you can't hit me,
and all you're ever gonna be is mean."

Say what you will about my taste in music, but Taylor Swift's new album is so much fun to listen to.

Oh Fuck The Cunts That Plague My Dreams

After typing out the name of every girl I have ever felt inferior to in regards to the guy who has loved her before he's loved me, or has loved her and never loved me, I realized I might have some kind of psychosis. One that makes me feel like I am forgettable and not worthwhile.

And because of this, instead of ever feeling sorry for myself again, I will think of how to one person, I represent total choas, and another person has 3 pictures by their bed, of their best friend, their favorite teacher, and me. And right now I am loved by a guy who will go out in the cold to bring me Orange Juice and Emergen-C when I am coughing up a lung.

Nyquil gives me dreams that make me wake up feeling sorry for myself. What's that about?

Everyone makes mistakes, right?

This dude was a mistake I made.

So yesterday, when I was lurking the tumblr of some guy I used to know, I saw this: "if mal doesn’t start warming up to me soon, i’m going to have to rethink this. i need a cat that loves me as much as i love him. i’ve had too many one-sided relationships in my life." (Mal is his new 6 month old kitten that he has not even had for 2 weeks.)

I was so upset when I read that that I literally yelled at him through my computer, verbally before typing it out. He claims he was just ranting, but that it a shitty fucking rant to have. This dude is a fucking nightmare, and the fact that I ever, at any point, called him my boyfriend, makes me feel like throwing up a little. I mean, he has posted before that he is always trying to hold it when he goes to bed but that the cat tries to escape but he holds on tighter. It's terrifying. Anyhow: You could say that I had a reaction...

(from my tumblr)

"WHAT KIND OF PUNK-ASS-CHUMP ADOPTS AN ANIMAL FOR COMPANIONSHIP AND THEN, WHEN IT HASN’T EVEN BEEN A MONTH, STARTS “RETHINKING IT” BECAUSE THE ANIMAL ISN’T WILDLY AFFECTIONATE? A PATHETIC, PIECE OF SHIT KIND OF PUNK-ASS-CHUMP. WELL IF THE ONLY WAY YOU CAN HOLD THAT FUCKING CAT FOR MORE THAN 30 SECONDS IS WRAPPING IT IN A TOWEL SO IT CAN’T ESCAPE, NO WONDER IT DOESN’T FUCKING WANT TO BE NEAR YOU, YOU IDIOT.

IF YOU WANT AN ANIMAL AS NEEDY AND PATHETIC AS YOU ARE, YOU SHOULD HAVE ADOPTED A DOG, YOU MORON.

I’m sorry, people who adopt a homeless animal and then give it away again because it’s not exactly what they wanted or thought it would be, belong in the lowest circle of hell."

I haven't typed something like that in all caps since I was like, 14. I was bitching about it all day yesterday. The stupidity is unfathomable to me.

Heatbroken, I Resign

He is right. Rockstars aren't famous for hanging out with their girlfriends.

I need to man up.

Lunch, Coffee, and Denim Couch Memories

We met at the Golden Angel. He showed up. I was expecting him to be a stranger, but his face and his voice were very familiar. I haven't seen him for more than 2 minutes in 3 years. We had a really nice time. He told me about a stack of mix CDs that I had made for him, that he found when he moved back home. We went back to his place so I could see his mom(who wasn't there), and I took pictures of all those CDs, because they were really pretty. I really had an eye for that shit, and I haven't been as good as making those kinds of things, since.

I can report happily, though, that my wounds are all healed. We talked about "us" a little. I told him about how I tend to romanticize our relationship, and he told me that he mostly romanticizes me, as an idea; For him I was wild, and chaos incarnate. He said that I was the alpha-indie kid. That I was doing it before anyone, and while I don't think that's true, for him to say that made me feel good.

It was fine and new and nice to talk but when we went to his house we went to the basement for a brief tour and there they were, the denim couch and love seat where we would sleep for hours. That was my only moment of ache for what we used to have. So all in all, I had a really lovely afternoon.

The only weird that was that I kept saying "Eli" when I meant to say "Spenser" but I think that mostly had to do with the fact that Eli was right in front of me, and I was probably more than a little frazzled.

Anyway, there was absolutely no disappointment. I'm glad it went well.

Also, I haven't had coffee in a while and wham bam it makes me talk fast!

Deactivated My Facebook

I need to get away for a while.