Not you, though. You don't haunt me anymore. I don't know if you ever did, really, but it was a fun feud while it lasted. He said we had a lot in common, which always scared me because I never wanted to end up how you did, with him. But it also made me wonder how many of my ex's were dating girls that I have a lot in common with, and if we could have ever been friends, sort of. I don't know. One of the many problems I encounter is how different I am from my peer group. My friends, my true, good friends, are all usually a minimum of 3 years older than me. The girls I find in my grade or within a year of me, with VERY few exceptions, are all so false, and hip, and cool, and they are collectors. Maybe it's the community I am in. I don't like the girls that feed on being liked. I just want to meet real people. I need to get away from this city for a while.
You, though, a different you, you haunt me. The amount of times a week I say that I hope you die young makes me feel like a horrible person.
A girl that I have encountered recently, in the context of a situation where I have to deal with her, aka, a co-worker, literally makes me want to scrape my face off. She acts so indignant when I try to correct her, but the fact is, I have been working at the shop for 3 years, she has been working for 3 months, and I know what the fuck I am doing.
I can finally listen to songs and watch movies with the name Molly without getting sick at my stomach, and I can thank Spenser for that. My loathing for one of yous no longer stems from the same place, but now it is just a point of how false you are. Spenser is real.
I don't appreciate being lied to, which is another reason you, not a girl, make me not want to be around you. Your enthusiasm is suspicious and I not only doubt it, entirely, but it also makes me think I have no idea who you are, which doesn't bother me, I don't think.
John and I saw Twilight last night, as we have seen the other 2. I think for him it is so much for the laugh of the teenage melodrama, and for me it starts that way, but I get so into it and by the end I am gasping and near tears. It makes me feel so young, and so stupid. But I will be damned if people try to deny how fucking gorgeous Jacob is, I mean seriously, those shoulders? Yum.
John will always be important to me. I always used to fear resenting the person who took me away from him, but I began to fear I would resent John if I didn't take this chance with Spenser, who is so different from anyone.
We are having lunch with my best friend today. It will be nice, I think.
Anyways, this is mostly to say, "sorry" for all the shit and all the nonsense, to the first you. I hope your birthday was a truly spectacular as mine, and that this year for you as looking as good as mine.
I am taking my first trip with a significant other, in august. We leave in less than a month, taking the train. I feel like an adult. Maybe I am. I don't know.
bloggity blog. cryptic you's, Maybe I am not an adult after all.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
I woke up on my birthday at 7 AM, because my body wasn't going to stay asleep. I dozed until around 8:30 when I had to wake up for work. I planned out everything I was going to wear, and I did my hair and I looked pretty snazzy by work standards.
I walked into work, where, by the way, I was actually excited to be on my birthday, and I saw balloons, and flowers, and an old co-worker who I adore but had moved away. My boss gave me a bag with presents, and I only had to work a shortened shift. One of my regulars gave me a ten dollar tip because I said I was going to an expensive martini bar in Andersonville, and I need to remember to write him a thank you card.
When I got home I realized that I had about an hour and a half before having to go to lunch with Spen and my mom and so I took a bath with the luxurious aromatherapy things my boss got me for my birthday, and watched things on John's netflix.
Lunch with Spen and my mom was pretty good. I got cheese fries. After lunch Spen and I went shopping with my birthday money and I got all kinds of shit.
I was really into writing this earlier, then I took a break, and now I have other things on my mind. So, that's all, for now.
I walked into work, where, by the way, I was actually excited to be on my birthday, and I saw balloons, and flowers, and an old co-worker who I adore but had moved away. My boss gave me a bag with presents, and I only had to work a shortened shift. One of my regulars gave me a ten dollar tip because I said I was going to an expensive martini bar in Andersonville, and I need to remember to write him a thank you card.
When I got home I realized that I had about an hour and a half before having to go to lunch with Spen and my mom and so I took a bath with the luxurious aromatherapy things my boss got me for my birthday, and watched things on John's netflix.
Lunch with Spen and my mom was pretty good. I got cheese fries. After lunch Spen and I went shopping with my birthday money and I got all kinds of shit.
I was really into writing this earlier, then I took a break, and now I have other things on my mind. So, that's all, for now.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Dear Please-Fuck-Off-But-You-Never-Do, (an open-ish letter)
If you bullshit me to my face one more fucking time, don't expect me to be as nice about it as I have been every other time.
My malice is easily quelled by my frequent honesty. I don't lie to you, so I would appreciate it, if you would kindly do the same.
However, if you find this too much of an imposition, please fuck off and die.
My bullshit tolerance is about ankle high and your superficiality and need-to-please runs you about as high as my neck and I could not be more done with it.
I must politely insist you return to the hole from whence you came.
Always Respectfully,
Corey
In other news, I turn 21 on Thursday, and whatwith my total lack of inertia to drink, ever, that will be mostly anti-climactic, except for this great dress I got.
My new boyfriend is a gem, a total gem, and I can't get enough of him.
So, that's what's new.
My malice is easily quelled by my frequent honesty. I don't lie to you, so I would appreciate it, if you would kindly do the same.
However, if you find this too much of an imposition, please fuck off and die.
My bullshit tolerance is about ankle high and your superficiality and need-to-please runs you about as high as my neck and I could not be more done with it.
I must politely insist you return to the hole from whence you came.
Always Respectfully,
Corey
In other news, I turn 21 on Thursday, and whatwith my total lack of inertia to drink, ever, that will be mostly anti-climactic, except for this great dress I got.
My new boyfriend is a gem, a total gem, and I can't get enough of him.
So, that's what's new.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
All 100 of My Heartbeats
1. the soft pull
2. the snicker
3. the smile lines
4. the warmth
5. the rest
6. the early rise
7. the peek
8. the wide eye
9. the new sheets
10. the blank page
11. the loaded gesture
12. the arrival
13. the crawl
14. the chin-up
15. the velvet voice
16. the whisper
17. the bathroom
18. the stillness
19. the electric quiet
20. the dream-come-true
21. the tip-toe
22. the late-night lonely
23. the heavy lid
24. the worry
25. the eyelashes
26. the swell
27. the heavy breath
28. the relief
29. the check-in
30. the rip
31. the good-hair morning
32. the recognition
33. the find
34. the task
35. the post-procrastination success
36. the not-enough sleep
37. the crystal clear stare
38. the pictures by the bed
39. the lost weight
40. the ride
41. the gift
42. the surprise flowers
43. the day in day out
44. the care
45. the 1 Day Fun Pass
46. the putt
47. the money spent
48. the worth-every-penny
49. the foot-taste
50. the monday date
51. the boy
52. the grin
53. the rested-wake up
54. the problem solving
55. the measurement
56. the mac and cheese
57. the hand hold
57. the stale smoke
58. the acoustic rocket
59. the quiet sun stream
60. the heaviness of guilt
61. the no-regrets
62. the Shakespeare
63. the soundtrack
64. the date-night
65. the chilly walk home
66. the blue light wake up kiss
67. the spin
68. the alley
69. the grab
70. the 3rd time not such a charm
71. the stolen, quiet kiss in stained glass
72. the answered question
73. the almost-no-cigarette
74. the soundscape
75. the laugh-in-face of bad day
76. the impending bath
77. the thought of you
78. the no-nag
79. the ton-of-bricks idea
80. the found text
81. the soup
82. the made-it-through
83. the run-in
84. the pretty feeling
85. the sister
86. the alone but not lonely, for a while
87. the nap
88. the text
89. the apple
90. the "ohmygawdiwantastole"
91. the no-cling
92. the always second place
93. the will never be her
94. the acceptance
95. the nice chat
96. the clear blue
97. the light rain
98. the busy
99. the paint stain
100. the completion
2. the snicker
3. the smile lines
4. the warmth
5. the rest
6. the early rise
7. the peek
8. the wide eye
9. the new sheets
10. the blank page
11. the loaded gesture
12. the arrival
13. the crawl
14. the chin-up
15. the velvet voice
16. the whisper
17. the bathroom
18. the stillness
19. the electric quiet
20. the dream-come-true
21. the tip-toe
22. the late-night lonely
23. the heavy lid
24. the worry
25. the eyelashes
26. the swell
27. the heavy breath
28. the relief
29. the check-in
30. the rip
31. the good-hair morning
32. the recognition
33. the find
34. the task
35. the post-procrastination success
36. the not-enough sleep
37. the crystal clear stare
38. the pictures by the bed
39. the lost weight
40. the ride
41. the gift
42. the surprise flowers
43. the day in day out
44. the care
45. the 1 Day Fun Pass
46. the putt
47. the money spent
48. the worth-every-penny
49. the foot-taste
50. the monday date
51. the boy
52. the grin
53. the rested-wake up
54. the problem solving
55. the measurement
56. the mac and cheese
57. the hand hold
57. the stale smoke
58. the acoustic rocket
59. the quiet sun stream
60. the heaviness of guilt
61. the no-regrets
62. the Shakespeare
63. the soundtrack
64. the date-night
65. the chilly walk home
66. the blue light wake up kiss
67. the spin
68. the alley
69. the grab
70. the 3rd time not such a charm
71. the stolen, quiet kiss in stained glass
72. the answered question
73. the almost-no-cigarette
74. the soundscape
75. the laugh-in-face of bad day
76. the impending bath
77. the thought of you
78. the no-nag
79. the ton-of-bricks idea
80. the found text
81. the soup
82. the made-it-through
83. the run-in
84. the pretty feeling
85. the sister
86. the alone but not lonely, for a while
87. the nap
88. the text
89. the apple
90. the "ohmygawdiwantastole"
91. the no-cling
92. the always second place
93. the will never be her
94. the acceptance
95. the nice chat
96. the clear blue
97. the light rain
98. the busy
99. the paint stain
100. the completion
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
how you feel
irl, y'all
i am in-a-rela-tion-ship
in-real-life.
look at all those hyphens.
i'm giddy.
right now I am just sitting, just, sitting, and i feel like i am on the wave swinger at navy pier, all over again, and it's this, and it's you and it's pretty nice, truth be told.
anyhow, more later, without a doubt.
No doubts.
It won't always be this easy, or this lovely, or this effortless, but the work will be worth it.
i am in-a-rela-tion-ship
in-real-life.
look at all those hyphens.
i'm giddy.
right now I am just sitting, just, sitting, and i feel like i am on the wave swinger at navy pier, all over again, and it's this, and it's you and it's pretty nice, truth be told.
anyhow, more later, without a doubt.
No doubts.
It won't always be this easy, or this lovely, or this effortless, but the work will be worth it.
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