The Truth

The truth is, that when I think about her, and her obsession, I have nothing, absolutely nothing but sympathy, because I find myself thinking that one day, I will need the things she needs.

yes yes yes

oh do i feel good.

The Trouble

My life is not nearly as dramatic and sad as it seems when I write here. I write here when the mood strikes and oftentimes, lately, it appears, that is not a good mood. I don't like being ignored. I don't like feeling invisible. He's making me feel invisible. I am beginning to wonder if perhaps I am invisible. Kevin didn't see me last night either. Maybe I am just fading away in to oblivion and obscurity and some other o word that I don't know and never will unless I spent a little less time trying to get noticed and a little more time looking at a webster's dictionary.

The truth about the fact is, no matter what I tell almost anyone else, in the end, I will always choose John. I am still figuring out how to break this to you. I am still figuring out how you will take it. Because I like you. I think you are pretty great. Really. You are sweet.

But John has my heart, quite wholy and competely, as much as it kills me. He took without even trying, and perhaps that is wherein the trouble is.

Isn't it awful?

Call It Off

This song reminds me of you, and how I feel about you, and how I feel about the way I feel about you.

It makes my stomach heavy.

Not as heavy as when I listen to your songs about her,

but heavy, and sick.

I won't regret saying this,

this thing,

that I'm saying.

Is it better than keeping my mouth shut?

That goes without saying.


Yes.

I'm glad I have had the courage to say things that should be said. I am happy with the direction my life is moving. Perhaps though it is a lack of direction?

I don't know what I want to do.

I want to fill my life with chairs and theater and simple, beautiful music, with books and photo strips of you and me. We look good in those photos, even in the pictures that aren't that good, of either of us. We look good.

I wish there was a mathematical formula, that I could figure out, that would make it all okay for you. So you wouldn't care about the difference, between you and me, and the big difference, that I am not her.

I think about her every day. No matter how hard I try to avoid it. I think about her and the pieces of my broken heart fall at her feet and I ache.

My heart breaks for your broken heart.

Me>You>Her

That's how it goes. I will feel this way about you, and you will feel that way about her, and it will remain that way.

Call

Break

It

Off

Call

Break

My

Own

Heart

Maybe I woulda been something you'd be good at.
Maybe you woulda been something I'd be good at.

And when I think about this song, and how much I like it, and I listen to it, and think of everything wrong, I remember as the song ends, that it is just a song.

And My Number comes on, and it's good. My Number comes to the rescue.

It really IS a silly time to learn to swim when you start to drown.

<3twl

arts and crafts

I need to stop crafting in bed, especially before bed.

especially with feathers and fur and messy stuff.

Chairs

I am right now, sitting in a chair that I like a lot. It is enormous, and was at one point, white. I am sure of it. But it's been good and sat in, so it's not quite white anymore. But I like this chair a lot. It's warm, and comfortable. And it's in a room where I can listen to Bright Eyes and not feel like I am bothering anyone.

Not everyone likes Bright Eyes, you know.

But I do. Bright Eyes reminds me of Mariko. I miss Mariko. Mariko was the only thing about high school that made me sane.

Ugh.

So yesterday, I am at the Mexican place, getting my nachos, listening to my headphones, and a song comes on. and I lost my appetite entirely. I felt like puking. It was utterly and entirely ridiculous. How a song can have this effect on me, I am not entirely sure. But I really didn't want those nachos anymore. But I was fucked, because I had already paid for them. It was bad news bears. But I just kept listening to this song, and getting sicker and sicker and sicker. I mean, I know why I was sick. My stomach was ablaze with jealousy, and anger.

Songs are powerful things, you know.

I have a feeling that A and B have the same reasons for wanting to remain stagnant.

MmmmBenKweller.

In any case: There is a chair in John's garage that I am totally in love with. I have thought about it pretty much non-stop-ish since I saw it.

It is a beautiful chair.

I'm hungry.

BEASTS!

Whew!

I don't care about the reasons why this shouldn't be.

The reasons it should are bigger and better, and going to beat those other reasons up.

Baby

I like it. I want to be called it.

All the time. I like hearing it in songs, I like writing it in songs. I think it is sweet.

"you say, baby, I only want to make you happy."

See? It's more charming than a prince.

I should have gone to bed hours ago. But I am in not a bed mood. I need to wake up a little earlier than usual to go to the post office.

That is the first time in my life that I have ever had to type post office.

I accidentally really want to watch Romeo + Juliet... eek.

Alright Baby, this is what's up:

I had the most phenomenal night last night. Everything about it had somehow escaped from a movie screen. It was so good that it made up for the disgustxorz thing that happened to me on the train.

It was so good good.

"And if most people fade to gray and black, you'll fade to light blue"

That's how I feel right now. I am determined to sing those words.

<3twl

I'll tell you what it is...

What is it, when your heart feels like its going to beat out of your chest, and your stomach is light and fluttery? That feeling when just an image or series of images, even, are all it takes to make this feeling occur? When the muscles in your arms and legs get weak, and you cannot keep from smiling?

...

You were there.

You've always (truly always, since the day I first saw you,) been interesting, and intriguing to me.

You are brilliant! I'm sure you know you are. But you are. Really.

Even when you didn't need to, you have always showed me such kindness. In the winter, when I didn't have a scarf and I was cold, you provided me with one, that I still have, and of course waiting around for me to pick up my phone.

Your sense of humor. You are so witty, and charming.

You are really very handsome. Dashing, is the word I use most often.

You're unusual. You make me see other perspectives, and you make me want to do things in new ways. You inspire me.

I really like the dynamic we have in the time we spend together. You make me laugh, you make me think, you make me do those things simultaneously.

...

It's love.

...

"I believe in love, no matter how fleeting or tragic. I am 18 and all I want to do is surrender."

Lifetime movies are movies, too... For the most part.

stomp clap

stomp clap clap
stomp clap clap clap
stomp clap
stomp clap

That image is burned into my brain. Wonderful.

I am totally heart over brain smitten.

<3