while I should be sleeping:

John is gone. He is in DC. I am occupying my time with creativity and money saving. Christmas has so far been almost suspiciously kind. I have received 3 unexpected gifts.

1. A glass bottle of Oberweis milk, from a regular customer at work.

2. $20 in cash from another regular at work, whose name, to be honest, escapes me, but she's really pretty.

3. 2 promotional gift card type thingies to Guitar Center that a customer I had never seen before in my life unloaded on to me, probably because he found me attractive, which works for me in so many ways.

As of late I have been listening to almost exclusively rap and country, which seem to be the 2 genres people like least. "oh, i like everything except rap and country..." I love Taylor Swift.

I feel so bad for succumbing to my ever-so-slightly-can-be psychotic side, sometimes. Being spiteful, and holding grudges, and saying nasty things to someone just to hurt them is not something I like to do. I would never purposely treat people with the disrespect with which I have been treated.

I also shouldn't really say this, but I just think it's something to marvel that there are 30+ year-old women who act like 15 year-old girls, call me names, and tell me that I am a little girl. Plus some of the women I encounter at work just blow my mind. My mother would have screamed her head off at me if I left the kind of mess behind that some of these women do. Older women confuse me.

My boss, who I can sometimes get a little more than frustrated with, is pretty amazing, though. She got anonymously written up in the Sun-Times for her preposterous acts of kindness. I hope I am half as well-liked when I get older. Our shop has a reputation for having incredibly friendly staff, and it's because of her. She remembers people that came in the first week she was open. I do my best, but I just don't quite have the memory she does, and night customers are less regular. Tomorrow I will make even more of an effort, I want to be like her.

Also, I lost 7 lbs! Yay me!

I got my mom some nice Christmas presents. I have been particularly interested in getting things for other people, but have not been making it easy for people who want to get me things. I want movie tickets, and books, and speakers for my record player.

okay, that's enough of that.

Sing it, Taylor.

Also, hi.

bad day

i had a bad day.

I was late to work, work was frantic and busy.

now i am all dressed up.

that makes me feel better.

hopefully the day will improve.

I feel like a yuppie in the back of a cab, but I don't care enough to budget my time enough to take a train.

Confusion

I'm sorry you misunderstood me.

John wouldn't use me.

An asshole named Bryan mistook my kindness as flirting and my friendship for something more, and treated me like a piece of meat.

John is great.

John and I are great.

Sorry.

used/useless

Sometimes, people are bad. I hate to believe that, but it is true. Some people, I just won't like, and for some reason, that bothers me. I got good and used by this asshole; I hate feeling like a sucker.

So this past Sunday, as people left the theater, and some were inside, John and I went to see a movie, and barely made it 10 feet away from the theater before I lost my shit completely. I wept, I bawled. He stood there, I am sure, not knowing what the hell to do, as I cried. I had the worst headache of all time, and I was so tired, and the complexity of figuring out where our bikes would go should we decide to take the train to Webster Place to see Pirate Radio totally took it's toll on me. Plus all of the shitty feelings building up over the last month or so.

I was annihilated.

I sat on the curb and I even tried to pray, which has helped me out of holes like this in the past, but nothing happened, I didn't feel lighter, all I felt was empty, used up, hollow.

In a horrible moment of frustration I dug my nails into my head and scratched down my forehead and over my eyes, miserable. I only left one little mark, but seeing it on my forehead every day since then has not felt good.

I just watched Hedwig and the Angry Inch, and after watching it for the first time all the way through, alone, I am stuck feeling like I did ...


I never finished that sentence. It's been a few days since I wrote all that and it's been sitting in this open window since then.

I'm doing better now. I'm not great, but a little better. It's hard to be happy in the cold, but I find moments. I am very tired.

insecure

oh god i am insecure lately.

shit.



I need to get organized.

Active Amp

I want those wooden ones on the right. I almost wish I was an amputee.



Beautiful.

An Open, Albeit Short, Letter to my Boss

I deserve way more respect than you are allowing for something so petty. Seriously, I work my ass off for you, I think you can afford actually approaching me instead of sending me passive-aggressive facebook messages.

Thanks.

Could use some sleep

Really.

Of all the new liquid eyeliner I bought, the CoverGirl is my favorite.

I don't know how I feel about anything, and that drives me insane.

I want to be Parker Posey.

Tomorrow I want to forget the shit that drags me through the mud.

Tonight though, I excited to listen to the infidelity episode of This American Life.

Nylon is good this month.

I want some babies.

nuts.

i am trapped in shitsville.

i am not creepy or weird.

fuck.

i don't like coming across the wrong way.

Typo'd.

I have accidentally been typing everything stupid.

Nothing works.

Nothing works.

Nothing works.

I will hide behind my new sunglasses.