"I know"

I am almost 20 years old. Plenty of my peers are in the same boat as me, the same, anxious and waiting to be 21 boat. However, unlike most of my peers, I am not excited to drink alcohol, and gamble, and get into certain strip clubs, etc. I want to be able to hang out with my boyfriend. I want to be able to go dancing, and to the bars he goes to, just to hang out with him and friends. It makes me feel shitty that he has to choose between hanging out with me, where we can go, or going out with his friends at bars or clubs where I can't get in, because I am almost 20, and not 21. I can only hope that 20 goes by as quickly as 19 did. I don't want to drag him away from the places he wants to be, but I want to be able to spend time with him. I want to be able to dance and hang out.

That's the end of my whiny rant about being too young to do what I want, and I have complained a lot about my age here, it's hard.

I got off the bus today, and sat down at the bus stop for the next bus I needed to get on, and then "Come Pick Me Up" by Ryan Adams came up in the shuffle and swelled my heart up real big and I decided to walk. It was gray, but not raining, and if I got tired, I could always stop and wait for a bus.

I have been having bouts of really bad chest pain, heart palpitations. It happened on the bus last night to John's, and then again when I was walking, and then again when I was home. I want to believe it's because I have been so happy lately that my heart just can't handle it, but I think it is more likely caused by anxiety problems. But I am happy.

Anyhow, I made it a hop and a skip past Lawrence before Paula called me and I went to The Grind and got her some coffee and I got a raspberry hot chocolate, which was delicious. Then Paula and I sat around and we played on her dad's wheelchair elevator lifty deal outside. Sara came and we went to Wells Park. That didn't last and we ended up back at Paula's house, where I played with Ringo, who was cuter than cute.

I have been tired all the time.

On Friday Beek is going to pick me up from work on her SCOOTER and we are going to shop in Wicker Park and then go downtown.

I want to be able to wear my swim suit to the beach soon. I love to swim.

I have spring fever, I think that's why I am so lovey-dovey. It's the sun and the birds and the warm breeze, they elate me, and then I wake up, and get kissed on the head.

I am sleepy, but I feel good, and somber, and pensive, and a little sad, maybe.

I don't know.